AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

It sounds like she has got her facts wrong and is focusing on the average age to do something rather than the normal range. For example the normal range for walking is 9 months to 18 months and they will only start to look into it if they are showing no signs of walking outside these ages, or showing no signs of progress towards walking (eg pulling themselves up, taking a few steps whilst holding on to something) before this age. The average age for walking independently is 13months ish so he is doing completely fine.

Anyway I'd just ignore, people seem to care about babies progress and then forget about it after toilet training so it wont last forever.

Maybe one more Stop and Desist conversation from you and dh so she knows you are together and aware of what she is doing, then if she carries on openly mock her...you and dh could start announcing her arrival..."oooh look it's Doctor Miriam Stoppard" " when was it that you finished teaching Dr Spock everything he knew?" "at least that ipad means you don't have to carry all your published books on child rearing"

I like a sarcastic and mean riposte.

On a more serious note, OP.

From now on, whenever anyone's loose tongue causes you stress you should do what I did, which I think someone advised me to do when I had radio interference from people who parented in the 70's and did a shit job. That is, go ask your HV, a doctor and take whatever they say as the more likely scenario. So, if a doctor says, he's alright, he is just catching up, it all evens itself out in the long run, as it does, then that is what you go with.

You then have this in your mind. This is how it is and I am not putting up with people ruining my time with my DC. A professional, someone who does this all day, every day, and is qualified told me this is the way it is. Then, I'd hold onto that and tell her straight.

I once heard a Canadian friend of mine tell someone "thanks for your input, but if I want an opinion, I'd go ask an expert, you know, someone who knows what the f^ck they were talking about".

Take the iPad back and throw it away.

I have two of the most difficult female relationships rolled in to one - a step-mother-in-law. Can you imagine! (I also have my own step mother and my real mother in law and they are fab, so maybe I just get unlucky with this particular relationship.) So stepMIL had a thing about all my babies sleeping and not being in routines - our first Christmas she didn't want our baby up for the meal (in her house) and insisted that they should be asleep - we stood firm, and she and FIL and SIL were furious. They asked what she would eat, I said she could pick at whatever we were having - they were furious as they wanted duck as a starter and didn't think our baby should have the main Christmas meal - baby enjoyed it all but they wanted us to make baby food (DD almost a year by this point.)

Mine were all vaguely in sleep patterns but we were very Flexi and they often ended up in our beds. She could never just let it be, and it finally eroded our relationship to the extent we just don't see them much. I just wasn't the Mum she thought I should be. They also don't approve of the fact we don't send our children to fee paying schools even though we could (just!) They were bankrupted by doing it and now supported by FIL's brother who pays their rent and council tax, and yet still they don't think we are making the right choice to be careful with money.

Please try to block it out if you can and remember YOU know your child best, they are doing exactly what they are doing in their own time by the time you have had three you know they are all unique and do things their own way at their own time. I really feel for you though as intense with bubbles etc at the moment.

Are you actually getting any support from this "support bubble"? If not, just don't see her for a while.

Sorry to butt in again. I really feel for you OP because it is really hard being a mum when other people are throwing stingers in your way.

One of the things that I am really proud of now is that I am a stubborn, belligerent cow. I had both my MIL and my own parent pushing against my parenting decisions. For example, I had to put up with shit like "you shouldn't make your own baby food. Manufacturers put good stuff in the jars you know". This was pre Ella's kitchen and anything nutritious. I also got, "you shouldn't breastfeed as your baby may not be getting enough food" i.e. I want to feed him with a bottle and can't if he is attached to your boob. Well, he doubled his weight at 6 weeks and looked like he was going to explode and my milk, when expressed, had an inch of cream on the top, so they were wrong. Once my MIL told me I was breastfeeding wrong. This, from a woman who never attempted BF'ing.

I used to talk to my friends, read books, and ask experts. These are your base and then your instincts on top of this = good parenting. For those people who compromise your parenting and only contribute confusion and stress, you need some stock phrases:

Do you, oh that's nice dear.
Oh, is that what they did back then?
Hmm, oh really, OK, that's nice....anyone want a cup of tea?
Oh, I'll mention that to the specialist baby doctor when I go next week.

This is YOUR baby. Do not let anyone spoil this precious time. Get some boundaries and build an invisible wall around yourself.

@HerbsnSpices Oh the breastfeeding thing - my step MIL and FIL actually tried to get my DM to make me stop because I was tired and grumpy. DM said to them 'I am never going to tell anyone to stop breastfeeding if they want to do it.' It was like they could only imagine that there was one way of bringing up a child, their way. Turns out all the children I know now as teens are doing equally well whether bottle or breastfed which just goes to show that people should make up their own bloody minds what they want to do!

I would have told my Step-Mum in law that thanks, but I have my own mum and mil to ask for advice. It's not your place.

I never start fights, ever. But I will finish them.

Ds1 was ‘late’ to do everything. 8 months to sit up on his own, 13 months to commando crawl, 20 months to walk. He was a giant baby (now 21 and 6ft 5) and very heavy to carry around !! Mind you he had lots of hair and teeth early so we always said that’s where all his effort went...

I remember a health visitor saying don’t worry (because you do when all their peers are seemingly ahead) that all these things were just averages. And in order to have an average time scale for milestones, some babies will be quicker and some slower to achieve things, otherwise there wouldn’t be an average ! Made me feel so much better even though it’s obvious.

Dd1 walked at 9 months and seriously given the choice I’d have gone for the late Walker, far less stressful.

My mum who’s lovely used to do similar to your Mil as she’d always worked with young children and knew best apparently. She would wake them up from naps, feed them when it wasn’t food time etc and constantly trying to push them to do things like clapping. It’s wearing and you feel undermined. Plus you have the added pressure of lockdown and lack of interaction with other mums and babies. I genuinely think she thought she was helping. But I had to be really really firm with her. Even not seeing her for a couple of weeks which really upset her, but it worked.

But you get defensive of your babies and you shouldn’t have to be, be proud of what your lovely baby can do and not what he can’t yet. The internet is a curse sometimes!!

@Lockdownbear

Ok your MIL has convinced herself that he has ASD. She may or may not be right but it doesn't change him.

Is he in nursery? I ask their thoughts? They'll see him and know how he is compared to other kids.

If hes not in nursery I'd call your HV just to rule it out.

If nothing else asking for a second opinion will settle your mind.

HVs aren’t qualified to carry out assessments for autism.

And no paediatrician would either, on a child of 13 months.

If it's any comfort the HV referred my DD for speech therapy as she insisted she was delayed, fortunately I have 4 so it didn't worry me as I knew she was fine. Waited months for the appointment and it was interesting watching the test. At the end the speech therapist turned to me and said, "What are you doing here? She is months ahead of what we'd expect at her age." I said, "I've got no idea, HV thought she was delayed." We said our goodbyes and left.

DD has a first and post grad qualifications. She was fine even though someone questioned her speech and she couldn't even walk between things at 13 months.

I'd just laugh at her.

First, You are not being unreasonable. Ignore her but keep an eye on his productive language for the next 6-12 months.

My son was actually language delayed and it was a serious challenge for him. But it won't be apparent at 13 months and kids do develop in different ways at different rates.

@HerbsnSpices I shall remember your fight advice, I like that. The thing that always upset me was I went out of my way to include them even though I am so close to my DM and really didn't need them, for their sake and my DH sake I really wanted them involved in our childrens' lives. I just didn't live up to their ideal - probably a class thing I came to realise, I'm not posh enough and if one is upper middle class one must have one's children in a sleep routine otherwise one has no standing at a drinks party (preferably one set by one's maternity nurse) and then send them off to boarding school ASAP!! Funnily enough now SIL has her own children she barely seems them as they wind her up so much and she is much closer to her gentle lovely in laws (although she was deeply involved in much of the bashing of me as a Mum prior to having her own children.)

I think you’d be well within your rights to say something along the lines of ‘DS doesn’t need someone so critical and negative in his life. He’s perfect as he is, and he’ll develop in his own time. He isn’t behind and there are no worried. If you are going to be so critical and negative we need to close our bubble because that’s damaging to DS’

Find her a different app that explains 13-18m doesn't mean 13m is the average

Every time she mentions it, ask her to leave. You've asked her nicely, repeatedly, it hasn't worked, so now you're going to have to use Pavlov dog style methods.

Blimey! She'd have had a field day with my DGC. All bar one language delayed (no ASD)

They caught up and in some ways are ahead of their peers.

Your DH needs to have quite a brutal Back Off conversation.

With all the stressing about whether or not there's a problem she's actually missing out on just enjoying her DGC.

If you are going to be so critical and negative we need to close our bubble because that’s damaging to DS.

Exactly this.

It needs to come from your DH, obviously. But it needs to be blunt now.

I agree with pasta. I would get dh to say to his mum we need a break from each other at the moment as your behaviour is very upsetting. My mil had difficult behaviour for a while and dh stepped in and told her not to ring me upsetting me. It completely stopped there and then.

I'd be a bit blunt and ask her why she's so obsessed with something being wrong with your son. But then I wouldn't put up with it and if someone said that about my son constantly I'd be cutting contact until they stopped.

If it's any consolation my son is 19 months and not yet talking. When I took him to an appointment regarding something else I asked if he could be referred about the fact he is not yet talking. The referral got rejected because apparently lots of infants don't speak yet even at this age!

I love all the suggestions about quoting dementia markers, clapping her hands for her and saying he waves at the other grandparents who aren't negative

You hold all the power here OP. A quiet word that if she can't be more supportive, and stop with the comments, then she will be removed from your support bubble and see much less of her DGS.
You've been far too nice and accommodating her batshitness. Time to point out that she has no rights to this behaviour.

Obviously you and DH both can deliver the message so she realises you are a united team.

Thank you I didn’t expect so many replies! Just getting DS ready for the bedtime routine then will read through them

You could point out various markers about her- putting on weight - diabetes risk, exercise? , must keep fit at her age, is she eating enough fish, good for her aging brain etc