AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

I have health anxiety (not just for myself but for the people I care about) and think your MIL's thought process is very similar to my own. I take insignificant things that other people don't even notice and magnify them into "symptoms". And fret if those symptoms aren't checked out - because the earlier that things are diagnosed, the better. It's a fear that she's picked up on something that everyone else has "missed".

On that basis - I suspect the way to make her back off is to acknowledge her concerns, rather than dismiss them. If you're comfortable with white lies, that will be the easiest route to go down.:

"Oh yes - the health visitor picked up on the fact he's not clapping yet - she thinks it's unlikely to be a problem but is going to review his communication again when he's 2."

"I specifically asked about the walking - they said that if there was a problem, he wouldn't be able to do a few steps between things - but I need to let them know if he's not fully walking in another 6 months"

Etc. She just wants to feel that it's "in hand" and that if your DS needs support, he'll get it.

Chances are, this will mellow as he gets a bit older and if you have more children. I was worried about autism with my DD when she was 1 - she's now 3 and it's passed. And her sisters are now 1 and I'm more chilled the second time around!

Oh and they both walked late at around 16 months.

Keep grabbing her hands and clapping them together, if she dislikes it there must be something ‘wrong’ with her.

I’m fairly sure Einstein didn’t talk until really late.

That’s as maybe, but OPs DS is 13 months, so definitely not late let alone really late!

SimonJT

Keep grabbing her hands and clapping them together, if she dislikes it there must be something ‘wrong’ with her.

Think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Simon! Perhaps there should be a behaviour and development board for MILs.

You've had some very good advice on here , please listen to it and ignore your MIL.

Does Penelope Leach do an app? She has the best advice for parents I've ever read .Tel your MIL to do one and or get a good book on Child Development.

I speak as an ex nanny\CM and EY teacher plus Mum of 3.

My oldest didn’t even stand until 14mo, could say about 6or 7 words at age 2, and pointing was a late development too.
My youngest stood and cruised from 9mo, was speaking in full sentences long before he turned 2. He is the one with the autism diagnosis, my oldest just very much does things in his own good time.
Your MIL needs to be firmly told to stop looking for things to “fix” and just enjoy the time with him. If nothing changes after this I’d probably be removing her from the support bubble since she’s hardly being supportive. That may sound harsh to some but I’ve had years of “helpful” comments regarding my youngest in particular and I have little tolerance for it now.

My first dgs was slow to walk and talk. I noticed he was slow all along his developmental milestones eg slow to roll over etc. I did not mention it to dd though as it wouldn't have upset her and I don't think she would have agreed with me. I have taught child development for over 20 years to students. When she had second dgs he was much quicker to do things and she could not believe it when he walked at 10 months as elder son wAs 14 1/2 months. She asked me about it and I told her then that yes dgs 1 was a bit slower through milestones but caught up later. He is now 5 and reads really well, has been riding his bike since 3 1/2 so caught up. She was annoyed I had not said anything to her at time. So fed if you do, damned if you don't it seems. Most children will catch up when ready. Your mil is not meaning to upset you. She loves baby too, so cut her some slack.

It's time to get her to wind her neck in and here is your inroad"

He does wave when he feels like it - at the end of video calls to his other grandparents for example

I'd be telling her because I am a vindictive cow

Oh, MIL, he does wave. He does it all the time with my mum and dad. He just doesn't want to wave at you for some reason. I think he has caught on to all your negative talk about him.

Herbs

Lose your shit.
Send DH off with DS and tell her to stfu, that you don’t want to hear another word about her misguided and tedious hobby, that she’s misinformed, crass and a monumental bore about it. She’s damaging her relationships with her son, her grandson and you and if it dines stop immediately she won’t be welcome. She’s not listened, it needs laying on the line.

My DS walked at 14 months and didn’t really talk till he was 2. Can’t remember about clapping and waving. They all do things at different times. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. Did she not learn about averages at school? I think you should teach your DS to say “fuck off granny” as his first words!

@Frouby

Turn it round and start quoting dementia markers back at her, starting with obsessive behaviour.

Absolutely this. I'd be questioning whether she needs to see the doctor about her obsessive behaviour

Toddlers have been affected by the pandemic/lockdown. It is quite likely that many of them will be more delayed in terms of speech, for example as they interact with fewer people.

Any “milestones” assessment needs to take the current situation into account. Your MIL may need to be gently reminded of that.

Why are people saying 14 months is delayed in walking, it’s the average age for walking.

Tell her she is causing stress and you need to be in a support bubble with someone who is supportive... Hopefully the threat will make her stop with all this.

@caringcarer but that's nonsense. The MIL has been told on numerous occasions that what she is saying is upsetting and to stop saying it, and she continues to do so.

Your situation is completely irrelevant here.

When she had second dgs he was much quicker to do things and she could not believe it when he walked at 10 months as elder son wAs 14 1/2 months. She asked me about it and I told her then that yes dgs 1 was a bit slower through milestones but caught up later.

What would you have told her; there was nothing to tell, he was just a month later than average. It’s her second child that’s the outlier.

I'm concerned my mil is moonlighting as your mil.
There are three boys in our family of a similar ish age, my two DNephews and our DS. They are all between 3 and 4. She constantly compares them. She is always sending me recommendations for educational games and toys for DS. She always hints that she thinks we should be doing more or the opposite of what we are doing.
I smile and nod. I should probably do something about it but I prefer the quiet life. But it sounds like it might be a bit more intense for you.

Oh, MIL, he does wave. He does it all the time with my mum and dad. He just doesn't want to wave at you for some reason. I think he has caught on to all your negative talk about him.

Very tempting!

Also my DS didn't walk until he was nearly 2. He now runs around like any other 3 yr old. DD was walking at 12 months. Kids are just different!

@user1471462428

Why are people saying 14 months is delayed in walking, it’s the average age for walking.

I don’t think people are saying that?

She’s bored and found something to obsess about.

My DS didn’t walk until 15m and loved lights, it was one of his first words. He’s now 17, straight As in GCSEs, lots of friends. It wasn’t a sign of anything ‘wrong’!

Really sympathise. My Ma spent every ‘phone call of my early motherhood either telling me how my child was failing at development or I was failing at motherhood. Or warning me of awful illnesses/ secondary infertility. Or highlighting my errors in thank you cards for baby gifts. It all came from a good place but was so upsetting and wearing and made me feel so sad and almost hate the first year.
She was far away so it was all delivered over the ‘phone. I only managed to realise this constant dripping of negativity wasn’t normal in the last year or so (kids 10 & 6). And I told her that she had to decide if she wanted to love and accept them or treat them as a problem to solve. That I loved them and would support them but not try to fix them. She sulked for ages (standard MO) but has backed off and I have told kids to ignore anything she says that sounds batty.
She also has concerns about their size (I had ED as a teen partly because of the same constant worrying away about my figure) and their schoolwork. I am a bit worried she will affect my DD’s self image so have tried to undermine how my Ma is with food (incredibly fussy and controlling) to try to protect them from what she will be dripping into their ear.
She was utterly neglected as a child and sees this constant commentary as being the best thing that she can offer and also to fix things that she feels I didn’t manage in my own childhood. So I try to look at it from that.
Anyway TLDR: well done on recognising that your MiL’s behaviour is affecting your wellbeing. I really hope that you can address it. I do think that someone losing their shit at her is prob the easiest way to fix her (or at least stop her saying what she is thinking)

Ah OP, I feel for you. My MIL is a bit full on, and my sister in law is a speech therapist which apparently gave her authority to comment on my parenting style. Even by child 3, and I am a teacher, had been an outstanding rated childminder 😁. We see them only a handful of times a year (geography) so I just raise an eyebrow and we all have a chuckle in the car on the way home. But it’s really annoying, I feel for you.

In terms of development, I know it doesn’t really help when everyone says ‘oh they all develop at different times’ when you are worried - but it’s so true! I was very worried about dc1’s speech (only DH and I could really understand what he was saying when he was 3), but he was absolutely fine by age 5. He was very shy, struggled socially at toddler groups and pre school. I worried about him a LOT. And now age 17, he’s a quietly confident young man, predicted a* at A levels, just been made a prefect, and wants to study medicine. No one is more surprised than his parents - he was such a slow starter, bless him.

Dc1 and 2 both crawled until they walked at 12 months. Dc3 bum shuffled until 17 months! Everyone said ‘ooh, can be a sign of something, often bum shufflers have physical balance/ coordination issues when they are older’. I would have been very worried if she had been first child, but just decided what will be will be. Now she’s 8 and absolutely fine. None of my kids are super sporty (we are not a sporty family) but she is middle of the pack in terms of swimming/ gymnastics/ climbing trees etc etc, so no long term damage.

Just sharing this to try and assuage your worries: your DS is still so little and if you and the health visitor think he is doing ok, that’s the end of it. I am not very confrontational so would just reduce contact time, and change subject when she starts - but I do like some of the robust advice you have been given by other posters 😁.