Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

[Bestservedcold1]

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed.

I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse.

I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs.

More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him.

I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal.

I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery.

The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me.

What should I do?

I will make him suffer where it really hurts and will go for every penny he has.

No you won’t. He isn’t going to suffer and this isn’t going to cause him any stress, because like it’s obvious to all of us that you haven’t got a case, it’ll be obvious to him too.

You can’t sue him, it’s that simple. You’ll waste energy trying and dig yourself even deeper into your depression as you eventually come to the realisation how fruitless this path is.

You are unfortunately very unwell, and you do need help, but because you’re refusing to see you can’t get better.

@emilyfrost

I will make him suffer where it really hurts and will go for every penny he has.

No you won’t. He isn’t going to suffer and this isn’t going to cause him any stress, because like it’s obvious to all of us that you haven’t got a case, it’ll be obvious to him too.

You can’t sue him, it’s that simple. You’ll waste energy trying and dig yourself even deeper into your depression as you eventually come to the realisation how fruitless this path is.

You are unfortunately very unwell, and you do need help, but because you’re refusing to see you can’t get better.

So so ignorant. I think you're the one who needs help love

Sounds like you really feel that this is something you need to do.

If you feel this strongly then you should do what you need to do.

I'm a firm believer in hope for the best, plan for the worst. If you feel you can handle the worst then you're prepared.

The worst that could happen, the absolute worst, is that the court says you haven't enough evidence and dismisses your claim, you have to pay all fees, he takes you to court in turn claiming malicious whatever and/or he physically attacks you or starts a horrific campaign against you. Weigh that possibility up against how you feel right now and make the choice that's right for you.

Sometimes a need is so great that not doing it is worse mentally and emotionally than any alternative. Only you can decide what you can best live with.

I've reported this thread.

I'm concerned for the OP's state of mind and don't think this is helping her at all.

@Bestservedcold1

Please reach out to Refuge and ask them for help

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I'm really sorry for what happened - but in your position I don't think I'd want the stress of a legal case - and the expense if you don't win.

Surly it's likely to drag it all up again for you; if the letter was triggering, a legal case likely to be more so.

Report the letter if you've not done so already, get advice on a non-molestation order if you think he'll otherwise repeat similar communication.

@Bestservedcold1

"I finally feel I am taking ownership for my life"

This was the bit that stood out for me.

What you are doing is handing back over control to him and the justice system. Throughout the entire process how you feel will be dependent on how he feels because you are putting all your focus back on him and trying to make him feel a certain way and change his opinion of you (which I'm sure probably mirrors your relationship).

I know what the need to win is like, but the only way you can win with abusers is to not play the game.

The second you start to re-enter the game, then all your feelings of self worth and achievement become reliant on him again. There is a risk he will turn it around, you lose your case, he paints you as "crazy" and other people eg judge side with him (even if they believe you but your case isn't legally valid)

To reclaim yourself, you don't need other peoples opinion on what happened. You know he is what he is, don't get fooled into trying to prove it.

I'm wondering what you wanted from this thread? You have made your mind up, so why invite strangers to comment?

So so ignorant. I think you're the one who needs help love

Help for what?

There is no ignorance here, just cold, hard facts. You can’t answer anyone’s questions here, so what makes you think you could in a court room? Not that it would even get that far anyway as the statue has passed and it won’t be overturned.

You are coming across to all of us as a very unwell woman, and that is what your ex will see and get satisfaction out of. Don’t give him that.

I meant to add, it leaves you prone to the mindset (which is common in dv) that its up to you to change him, and that somehow if you try hard enough, say the right words, get him to somehow see that things will be better, he will somehow apologise and it will "click"

Its the same dynamic that happens with a lot of bullies. People try and message family, practice witty replies, perfect statements of all the hurt they cause, all of it focused on somehow proving to bully, but all is does is reinforce the idea that the bully is winning the game, and gets to choose who wins and that the only way you can be redeemed is by winning and changing their opinion because the bullies opinion/life etc is the one that matters

You do realise he could counter sue for harassment and be awarded costs and potentially damages. Youve said you've got nothing so you'll have to declare bankruptcy which will make your life a lot worse and impact you renting or getting credit.

Even in small claims he could counter claim against you and it could again result in bankruptcy if you lost.

Think very carefully because it could get worse.

The law is for the wealthy and fools, so someone said..

Who hasn't been attacked and assaulted?

If you seek vengeance, dig two graves.

What is astounding, often those who suffered the limits of human endurance in forms of inhumanity have the capacity to forgive..As they know that holding on to anger only hurts them.

{Tove Freidman } who was severely beaten, starved, put in a gas chamber..A remarkably courageous woman who worked as a therapist for many years.
Her mother was severely beaten trying to get some bread to give her daughter as a birthday present on her 6th Birthday.and died as a result of brain injury years later.

Seek good therapy.

Don't rake up cold ashes with this man.

Sounds like you are still emotionally attached to him in a very unhealthy way

Forgive and let go.

Tove is who I think of when stressed.

{She in child labelled ''1'' in this photo on day of Liberation, 1945}

Op - you asked what you should do. You had advice from people who KNOW how the system works. You’re ignoring it. That’s you’re prerogative but asking for advice and telling people who DO know what they’re talking about they DON’T if the advice isn’t want you want is badly constructive.

Do what you want - it affects no one here.

Hardly not badly.

I've read the full thread here and so far every poster has tried to be helpful and give the facts about the criminal and civil justice systems as they know it. Some have been blunter than others but they've believed your situation but told you that due to time lapsed and lack of evidence from the initial incident (different country, no witnesses, injury discovered years after the event) that any kind of prosecution or compensation will be extremely difficult or impossible.

You said earlier you have nothing so nothing to loose but there will still be legal fees and if you do go as far a small claims (again, people have suggested this is too complex a case) and then loose you will have his legal fees to pay. He can then take you to small claims for the cost and if it cannot be recovered he may be able to force bankcruptcy which had long lasting implications. This is a risky situation you are proposing and I think he'll be aware that the situation is on his side, particularly if he gets legal representation.

I suggest you go and take some legal advice from a trusted person (you don't have to hire them) but then accept what they have to say. It's also probably a good idea (as you said earlier) to step away from the thread and come back once you've had time to yourself to process everything said here.

No, he proposed in the afternoon and then smashed my head against the wall a few hours later, after we had celebrated with champagne
Can't you see that all he would have to say is that after he proposed and you accepted, you went out, had a lot if champagne to celebrate, you got very drunk and as you got back to your room, you tripped and fell head first against the wall. He picked you up, put you to bed, kept an eye on you and next day you woke up and besides a hangover, said you were absolutely fine.

After all, that scenario is as plausible as the one of him smashing your head. Why would a judge believe your version rather than the other?

OP I agree that the Limitation Act bars you from claiming (both for defamation and personal injury).
You asked "what should I do?" in your OP, yet you keep disagreeing with PPs advising you against this course of action, saying they are wrong.
I don't think anyone her is unsympathetic - I myself have severe whiplash from my abusive ex. I'm out of time to sue but even if I wasn't I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to re-initiate contact, even indirect. I want nothing to do with him. That's without considering the evidential hurdle I'd have to overcome to prove it was his actions which caused my injuries.
Sometimes thoughts of getting revenge or compensation are all-consuming. But the answer to the question you asked is that you shouldn't try to sue, because you can't.

If you won't accept the advice you're being given here, just go to a personal injury solicitor.

@dontdisturbmenow

No, he proposed in the afternoon and then smashed my head against the wall a few hours later, after we had celebrated with champagne Can't you see that all he would have to say is that after he proposed and you accepted, you went out, had a lot if champagne to celebrate, you got very drunk and as you got back to your room, you tripped and fell head first against the wall. He picked you up, put you to bed, kept an eye on you and next day you woke up and besides a hangover, said you were absolutely fine.

After all, that scenario is as plausible as the one of him smashing your head. Why would a judge believe your version rather than the other?

He's far more likely to say he proposed, OP accepted, they went out and had some champagne and had a lovely night. Injury? No, no injury happened, it was a lovely night.

Op , I am 6 years into an injury claim, the other party has admitted liability, I’ve seen doctors, Psychiatrists etc and I still haven’t had a payout and the cost of all this so far is £45,000 .
I very much doubt if you would win your case , it’s so stressful too .

I don't know how you could possibly say that suing wouldn't achieve anything. Yes is would most definitely achieve compensation for my injuries & other damages and also justice

That's just not going to happen OP, sorry. You didn't report it at the time, the injury wasn't diagnosed at the time, you have no proof of any kind that he caused the injury...and its statute barred anyway.

You need to find another avenue to deal with is. You can't sue him.

OP if you don’t want to listen to people on here who know the legal situation, why not pay for an hour with a lawyer, sit down and let them explain the situation to you? Unfortunately as others have explained you don’t have a legal case here. It might be easier to hear this directly from a lawyer who can explain it fully.

Taking a case against him that you will lose is not a good outcome—this won’t make it as far as court so you won’t get your day in court either. You will have to pay costs to him and he might have a case against you for harassment down the line. You’ll either have to pay up TO HIM or you will end of with judgements against you, credit score ruined and unable to rent in the future. I know you think you have nothing to lose, but assuming you’re not on the streets currently, yes you do.

You have a lot of energy and desire to change things, that’s amazing! Have you considered volunteering with victims or working with charities that aim to change the law around domestic abuse? That way you can be a part of a success against all men like him, you can empower yourself and ultimately get your revenge. I understand how you feel—this is giving you a sense of purpose and a lot of energy. You just need to see the big picture here.

Unfortunately you have no legal recourse here. The only way you could get money off him would be to literally rob his house (please don’t do this). Legal actions that will inevitably fail will just give him more confidence and make it easier for him to paint you as crazy.

OP sorry you are getting a hard time. I know more than one person who has been through the same thing. It seems to go through stages

1. Shock, disbelief and minimising
2. getting away but still in high alert and in shock

3. building a new life/recovering
4. the pain as you realise the enormity of what happened
5. anger

They say it hurts as it heals. You have lost you life as it was, and you are right to feel sad and angry. You want justice and revenge. You are right to want that. But as other people are saying there are ways of doing things. Right now, healing, making your peace and surrounding yourself with supportive people is the way forward. You can’t get that life back but you can make the most of the life you have.

OP's not getting a hard time. She is giving out a lot more than she's getting.

I’ve not read the whole thread to be fair...

XPuppetry has nailed it- don’t even try to negotiate with abusers