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Original poster

Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

205 replies

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 07:12

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed.

I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse.

I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs.

More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him.

I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal.

I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery.

The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:36

@NiceTwin

Sorry, just realised you didn't marry. Thank goodness for that!!
We were getting married abroad on a beach. As I left him so close to the wedding, we couldn't get refunds, so both families still went on the holiday (but seperately). I watched another couple get married on the beach.

He even crept up behind me after following me out of sight of any witnesses & was verbally abusing me with his finger in my face. Then his mother came around the corner and he immediately pretended to cry.

He even started an argument with my family demanding that he should have the honeymoon suite & demanded they paid for his room!

OP posts:
foodiefil · 20/02/2021 10:39

Just noticed your username.

After leaving my financially, physically and emotionally abusing ex I too fantasised about revenge.

The best revenge is living a good life. Please try and focus on this. Who do you talk to in real life about this?

Moonstone1234 · 20/02/2021 10:39

Also, on the day of his proposal and sometime later he smashed your head against the wall. Why didn’t you leave immediately or report it (that is what the other side will say) and then you say there are other abusive relationships.

Don’t let this incident take over your life.

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:41

@DaisyDreaming

It’s worth weighing up is it worth poking the hornets nest? I don’t know if you have a legal case but is he still dangerous to you? Will this provoke him and put you in danger? I know letting a bully get away with something is horrible but your safety is the most important thing
It was him who has poked the hornets nest and he will realise that it wasn't worth it.
OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 20/02/2021 10:41

By you making an unsuccessful claim against him?

Enlighten100 · 20/02/2021 10:41

Op maybe talk this through with a counsellor. The pros and cons. And what you want to get out of it. Its obvious that you want justice for this , and rightly so. But you also need to consider that you could go down the route of suing him, him finding out you are unsuccessful and then taunting you with that. This could end up being worse for your mh. I think it would be a good idea to weigh up everything with a therapist. X

foodiefil · 20/02/2021 10:42

You should reach out to a local domestic violence charity and ask them for help with this - they will have some good advice @Bestservedcold1

Aprilx · 20/02/2021 10:44

@Lillypup

I've never heard of someone suing an abuser for injuries..... And thinking about it why the hell not? I disagree that you need to 'put this behind you' or have your experiences and PTSD dismissed on here. If you feel up to the fight, have the means and will accept it could go either way, fuck it, you go for it.

What an absolute bastard of a 'man'. Good luck OP with whatever you decide is best for you.

Did you read the bit about it being time barred?

And about there being no proof as it was not reported?

And being in the wrong legal jurisdiction?

And that she doesn’t have the means anyway?

Not one person has dismissed the OP’s trauma and it is insulting to say so. What people have commented on is the legal futility of this endeavour and the possibility of kicking the hornets nest in the process.

Justcallmebebes · 20/02/2021 10:45

You're statute barred unfortunately. 2 years for a CICA claim and 3 years for a civil one

purplecorkheart · 20/02/2021 10:46

At best the letter will give him a bit of a laugh and he will just share it with the same people to prove you are mentally unstable.

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:47

@Newfor2021

OP the problem is what you want and what you’re able to achieve aren’t realistic. Sorry Flowers

I was raped and tortured by a sadistic bastard when I was only 18 - he totally fucked up my life resulting in a breakdown aged 32!

I will never get my lost years back. But I chose not to be a victim anymore and to take full ownership for my life. I hope you can do the same and move on from this.

I am so sorry for you - That is awful. What a desperate coward.

I finally feel I am taking ownership for my life and this is the way I feel I would like to move forward. Abusers can't tolerate their own medicine. I will make him suffer where it really hurts and will go for every penny he has.

OP posts:
BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 10:47

It was him who has poked the hornets nest and he will realise that it wasn't worth it.

He won’t though. At worst he will receive a cease and desist letter from you and a request for money for your injuries which he will no doubt laugh at and put in the bin. I’m sorry to be harsh but I think you need to let go of this idea of revenge as there is nothing you can do here to “make him pay”.

Strictly1 · 20/02/2021 10:47

Sadly I think this will only end in tears and they will be yours. You are now in control and moving on and enjoying life will be a better outcome than pursuing something you are highly unlikely to win. It will just make you bitter and that will be a choice you make - not him.

Moonstone1234 · 20/02/2021 10:48

That is a good point re you losing. He will taunt you with it. Wagging a finger in your face many years ago and then potentially pretending to cry.

Please listen to how you are sounding.

You are away from him. That is your revenge. At least you didn’t marry him but then going into other abusive relationships is a massive red flag for you. The men in this don’t matter. This is all about you, come on OP. You are better than this.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 10:48

I will make him suffer where it really hurts and will go for every penny he has.

But you won’t get a single penny! If anything this will cost you money.

Moonstone1234 · 20/02/2021 10:50

“Go for every penny he has” with no proof and from years ago, do you realise how this sounds??

CandidaAlbicans2 · 20/02/2021 10:51

I couldn't report it at the time. I didn't realise I had any physical injury. I believed the assault was my fault. I thought I was in love with him.

My heart goes out to you OP, it really does Flowers
The problem is you need to prove he was the one who caused the injury, which you can’t. You know he assaulted you, but all he has to do is deny it and you don’t have a leg to stand on. You also need to prove that the injury is the result of that assault which, again, you can't (his lawyers will suggest you injured yourself in an unrelated, unreported, incident that he had no part in). But contact specialists in domestic abuse and see what they suggest.

I can imagine how much you want to make him pay for how he treated you, but if you can’t can you channel your anger and desire for justice into @aweegc’s suggestion?:

You come across so articulately and (understandably) passionately. It made me wonder if there was something you could do with getting word out that it's REALLY important to report injuries at the time. There are often women in here who don't want to go to the police when their partner harms them and they think people are being a bit over dramatic when they say to do it. If it's not possible to make the bastard who did this to you pay, there might be other ways to stop other bastards from getting away with it.

Norwester · 20/02/2021 10:52

OP, you quite rightly want justice and validation and compensation. I am sure that everyone on this thread wants the same for you.

The advice you are getting is intended to spare you any further mental and emotional pain, on top of what you are already dealing with.

Your case will not be successful. But I wonder if you could put all that energy to use - helping other abused women, campaigning to make it easier to prosecute abusers, getting that statute of limitations changed? It will not make your case successful, but helping someone else might help you, too.

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:53

@Lillypup

I've never heard of someone suing an abuser for injuries..... And thinking about it why the hell not? I disagree that you need to 'put this behind you' or have your experiences and PTSD dismissed on here. If you feel up to the fight, have the means and will accept it could go either way, fuck it, you go for it.

What an absolute bastard of a 'man'. Good luck OP with whatever you decide is best for you.

Thank you. This is by far the best comment on here so far. You have definitely made me smile this morning!

You are so right. If more people did this, maybe the justice system wouldn't be so disgraceful.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 20/02/2021 10:54

You don't seem to understand there is no way that you can get a penny from him. There is no way legally to do so. Your case will never get in front of a Judge and he will never give you money himself.

You can send him all the letters you want but they are only words on paper. They are worthless (unless he considers them harrassment and then he can use them as evidence. A court will never hear your assault case as it happened too long. ago. The circumstances of your case will never override the time limited for taking claims.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/02/2021 10:55

Op is sticking her fingers in her ears and singing 'la la la I can't hear you'

Newfor2021 · 20/02/2021 10:57

I am so sorry for you - That is awful. What a desperate coward.

I finally feel I am taking ownership for my life and this is the way I feel I would like to move forward. Abusers can't tolerate their own medicine. I will make him suffer where it really hurts and will go for every penny he has.

Thank you OP and I’m sorry this has happened to you too...... but from a legal perspective I genuinely don’t believe you will succeed. The Law is written to protect the abusers - as a victim you have so little rights it’s absolutely ridiculous and I feel illegal!!
I’ve been to Crown Court (unfortunately for a different case to the previous) and despite written evidence from my attacker apologising for what he did he was still let off Not Guilty!!! The police said to me that the law is there to basically protect the accused Shock

foodiefil · 20/02/2021 10:57

@CandyLeBonBon

Op is sticking her fingers in her ears and singing 'la la la I can't hear you'
She is. The best comment apparently is a one that tells her what she wants to hear but ignores the fact that she can't do what she wants to do.

OP you really need to get help. Listening to people who tell you what you want to hear isn't help.

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2021 10:58

Think about what you'll need to achieve for this claim to succeed.

  1. The court to disregard the Limitation Act.
  2. Prove on the balance of probabilities that the assault occurred.
  3. Prove on the balance of probabilities that the assault caused an injury that remained asymptomatic for a number of years yet.
  4. The jurisdiction issues

Your claim will fail on all 4 of these points, you don't have enough evidence to reach the required standard, but 2-4 won't be considered as it will dismissed on point 1.

If by some miracle you got judgment you'll have years of dicking about with baillifs trying to enforce it.

Moonstone1234 · 20/02/2021 10:58

So with no experience of doing this you are planning to send a recorded delivery letter. Saying what? You will sound daft and I mean this in a gentle way - rather deluded.

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