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Original poster

Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

205 replies

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 07:12

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed.

I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse.

I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs.

More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him.

I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal.

I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery.

The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 20/02/2021 09:58

How will you prove the assault happened?

Homeschoolgetmeoutofhere · 20/02/2021 09:59

@Ihearab

I don’t think you’re going to be able to go down the criminal compensation route as you needed to have reported to the police “as soon as practical”.

I think you’d be better to focus on looking forward - what has triggered you to consider this now?

You can also only claim criminal injuries compensation if the assault happened in the U.K. - as you’ve said, sadly the assault that caused injury to your neck happened abroad.
Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:00

@aprilanne

OP now you are going on about historical abuse victims jesus that is compensation for people in institution settings. Now the small claims court you just seem to want money not justice .then you state you were dealing with other abusive relationships. Jings how do you know they never caused the injury and not the first man .can you not see a lawyer would have a field day with you .
Because thats the only time i've ever had my head smashed violently against a wall
OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/02/2021 10:01

It's too late for the injury. Focus on what action you could or should take about his recent behaviour.

Gemma2019 · 20/02/2021 10:03

This sounds really awful OP and I really feel for you, but you won't succeed with a claim against him. It's too late anyway, plus it sounds like you accepted his proposal after he physically attacked you, and went ahead with planning a wedding. Everything would be used against you. Honestly, no amount of money would be worth the fallout from trying to do this.

aprilanne · 20/02/2021 10:03

OP how many years ago are you talking about

KnobblyWand · 20/02/2021 10:06

I'd be afraid you'd be opening yourself up to more abuse. PP have pointed out how unlikely it would be for anyone to even consider this as a viable case.

What I would do though, is take that letter to the police - after all these years, sending something like that rings massive alarm bells for me. I would ask that they speak to him at the very least and warn him to leave you alone, and pursue a restraining order.

saffire · 20/02/2021 10:06

OP, so many posters have told you that's it's not possible, you need concrete proof, too much time has passed, it's going to cost you thousands etc.

You've made your mind up that you want money out of someone that you don't actually know has anything of value. Instead, maybe turn your attention to getting the police to charge him with something. At least then you may prevent it from happening to someone else.

Hopdathelf · 20/02/2021 10:09

At least then you may prevent it from happening to someone else.

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to stop this happening to others.

MindGrapes · 20/02/2021 10:10

Sounds like he would relish the opportunity to fight you again and put the boot into you. To make you feel small again and feel legally vindicated when your case isn't watertight enough to not lose.

I'm really sorry op and I don't doubt what he did, it's awful and truly unjust. But don't give him the satisfaction of fighting you again.

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:11

@foodiefil

I know you want the validation but from what you've described this wouldn't get to court. It's understandable that you weren't in a good place to report it to the police at the time but it doesn't change the fact it wasn't reported to the police at the time. I believe you that he did this but it doesn't sound like you have any proof. Even the letter is vaguely incriminating but it isn't proof. Could you go back to the police and say you want to make a full statement about a serious assault that happened historically but that you're still suffering from? Do you have any emails where you put it to him what he did and he says anything?

I'm sorry this happened to you

I guess in many cases there often isn't much proof of domestic abuse. Yes I could go back to the police. I don't have any emails and have had no direct contact with him since the relationship ended. I could maybe try to find an email address or phone number for him. Any ideas how I could get him to admit what he did?

I feel I want to send him a cease & desist letter like somebody else suggested & ask for damages for injuries.

OP posts:
DaisyDreaming · 20/02/2021 10:13

It’s worth weighing up is it worth poking the hornets nest? I don’t know if you have a legal case but is he still dangerous to you? Will this provoke him and put you in danger? I know letting a bully get away with something is horrible but your safety is the most important thing

purplecorkheart · 20/02/2021 10:14

Historical abuse claims tend to be from multiple people in institutions and the abuse was known and reported at the time but was not acted on.

Your case is domestic abuse. You case is statue barred but even if it wasn't it is very very unlikely to be heard at small claims level. Small claims here cases under a certain award amount but also cases that are short and normally can be heard within a day. Your case is hugely complicated given it happened abroad, you didn't report, medical evidence it could take weeks. Small claims are for cases where someone did not pay a bill, damage to dry cleaning etc.

Aprilx · 20/02/2021 10:15

Because that’s the only time I have had my head smashed violently against a wall

I believe you.

But what you are not understanding is that more is required to win a legal case other than your say so. You can’t prove the incident because you didn’t report it and you didn’t even realise the incident caused an injury until years later. It is going to be nigh on impossible to legally prove these things are connected.

And in any case, as has been explained already: you are time barred, you would probably be jurisdiction barred (as the incident did not happen in the UK) and the maximum you could claim via a small claims process (if you could claim, which you can’t) is £1000.

If it were not already barred, I suspect it would be ruled too complex for small claims process anyway.

purplecorkheart · 20/02/2021 10:18

Also, I never said that it was your fault that it happened abroad but legally it can affect whether a uk court can legally hear the case. You seem to think that the courts will override very fixed laws and rules because of your circumstances. What you don't seem to understand is at the moment it is your word against his and they are not going override laws and rules based on that. For all they know you had a fall down a stairs etc.

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:19

@Gemma2019

This sounds really awful OP and I really feel for you, but you won't succeed with a claim against him. It's too late anyway, plus it sounds like you accepted his proposal after he physically attacked you, and went ahead with planning a wedding. Everything would be used against you. Honestly, no amount of money would be worth the fallout from trying to do this.
No, he proposed in the afternoon and then smashed my head against the wall a few hours later, after we had celebrated with champagne.

Yes I did go ahead after and plan the wedding. I had the most beautiful dress. I left him 2 weeks before the wedding.

My first step would only cost me the price of a recorded delivery letter.

OP posts:
Newfor2021 · 20/02/2021 10:23

OP the problem is what you want and what you’re able to achieve aren’t realistic.
Sorry Flowers

I was raped and tortured by a sadistic bastard when I was only 18 - he totally fucked up my life resulting in a breakdown aged 32!

I will never get my lost years back. But I chose not to be a victim anymore and to take full ownership for my life. I hope you can do the same and move on from this.

BullOx · 20/02/2021 10:23

I think you should write down the pros and cons of what action you are suggesting. What is the best case scenario vs the worst case etc. The efforts you will have to put into everything for what reward. Try and think logically rather than emotionally.

I am struggling to see an outcome that doesn’t put your ex on top. You say he wrote a letter to third parties regarding your mental health. If you take this to court and lose (which you will) you are validating his points. Giving him more fuel to add to the fire of “oh she’s mental, she made up a load of bull about me and took me to court. Even they can see she’s lying” etc etc.

So not only will you not win, you will lose more if you pursue this.

Enlighten100 · 20/02/2021 10:25

I'm sorry for what you went through and I believe you. I also think unfortunately it really will be a case of his word against yours. You have no way to prove it. When the docasked you about the injury did you tell him?

NiceTwin · 20/02/2021 10:27

You married him after he smashed your head against the wall Confused

Isn't there a time limit for things like this, have you checked?
I'm not sure mentally it would be the right thing to do, only you know that.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/02/2021 10:29

My first step would only cost me the price of a recorded delivery letter.

Which will achieve precisely nothing

NiceTwin · 20/02/2021 10:29

Sorry, just realised you didn't marry.
Thank goodness for that!!

Original poster
Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 10:30

@NiceTwin

You married him after he smashed your head against the wall Confused

Isn't there a time limit for things like this, have you checked?
I'm not sure mentally it would be the right thing to do, only you know that.

No, I didn't say I married him
OP posts:
Lillypup · 20/02/2021 10:33

I've never heard of someone suing an abuser for injuries..... And thinking about it why the hell not? I disagree that you need to 'put this behind you' or have your experiences and PTSD dismissed on here. If you feel up to the fight, have the means and will accept it could go either way, fuck it, you go for it.

What an absolute bastard of a 'man'. Good luck OP with whatever you decide is best for you.

Moonstone1234 · 20/02/2021 10:36

OP - don’t do this. You cannot prove it was him, it’s years later. How can you get him to admit what he did... YOU CANT.

You will lose this case. In the nicest possible way why aren’t you listening.

What recorded letter - to whom? In the nicest possible way you sound obsessive over this. Please think about some counselling.

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