Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

[Bestservedcold1]

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed.

I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse.

I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs.

More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him.

I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal.

I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery.

The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me.

What should I do?

You are focusing on something that cannot be done. You are out of time to sue - and even if you were not - you have sadly very thin evidence, it took place overseas, you didn’t report, etc.

You’re fixating (completely understandable) on the wrong thing.

You cannot get around the statue bar though. You had your 2/3years to do so. The court are not going to lift it. It is not as if you have been in a coma from the incident till now.

Also not sure if it is relevant but would the fact that the incident happened aboard mean that UK law would apply or would you have to go through the courts of another country?

With regards to the letter can you prove that it caused any loss to you? Eg loss of income, loss of clients etc. Otherwise I can see this costing you a lot of money for very little. Indeed you could end up paying both sets of costs.

BooFuckingHoo2

"I put YABU, but I mean that gently as what you’ve been through sounds awful flowers

I don’t think suing will achieve anything as he will simply say he didn’t commit the assault and it seems there is no way you can prove otherwise. Again the letters, whilst nasty, don’t particularly warrant any compensation. It’s not worth going down this stressful rabbit hole when I’m afraid you won’t win flowers"
I agree with above PP. You do not appear to have proof of the injury. You did not report for a long time. This could be really bad of you financially and emotionally. If it does not go to plan or you cannot find a lawyer to take it on then you may lose all confidence in the legal system as well .

@MissMarpleDarling

I had a neck injury, can't hear out of 1 ear and pain from broken ribs from my dick of an ex. Id rather burn his money. Whatever makes you happy though. Would it not be too hard to bring it all up? I just want to forget what mine did.

I guess everyone is different and deals with trauma differently. I didn't even spare him a thought until the malicious letter was received several years later. For me it had all been blocked out for several years, but once those floodgates opened, it is not a choice for me how this affects me. Yes I would love to forget but sadly never will. I would happily take money from the nasty p**ck.

How would you prove anything? It happened years ago, in a foreign country and you didn’t report it then.

You say you know it was caused by his actions, but injuries were only discovered years later. How can you conclusively tie the two events together?

Proof of who caused the injury

Sorry that you went through this op. But as pp have stated, your case is flimsy and will likely not be enforceable. It will cost you a fortune.

Did you report the letter? Did he follow up with anything else? I ask because my ex did the same and he was eventually prosecuted successfully for stalking and harassment. There was no financial compensation and I am having to pursue him for money he took from my business - it's a lengthy and expensive process with no guarantees that I'll get my money back and that's with a clear and directly provable case (I have written evidence of his admission that he pocketed money from clients direct). There's absolutely no doubt. I have a high court enforcement order and STILL there's no guarantee. I agree with others - but speak to some personal injury lawyers. They will look at the case and decide if it's winnable (I think the threshold is 51%). It's only winnable if the lawyers say it is, otherwise it's throwing money down the drain.

I have been in the position of taking police action for a historic offence and suing someone (albeit two separate people). There's a huge difference between knowing something happened and being able to prove it. And that can be very invalidating. I agree that, ultimately, you're better off with therapy. The legal processes - which were long and drawn out - contributed a huge amount of stress. That combined with PTSD from the event triggered a breakdown which I am still working through three years later.

OP I have had to pay thousands (over 10k) due to damage done to me by the person who abused me while they're walking around being told what a wonderful person they are because of the community work they do (abroad, not something that can be controlled here). It's driven me almost insane at points. Like they go on holiday and I can't afford to, for example, because the energy it's taken to partially heal has dramatically altered the sort of work I can do.

I would dearly love them to pay financially. However, I know that the law isn't interested in how I feel. It's rather cold and that's it. It's possible to challenge the law, but that takes MASSES of financial and energy resources I don't have.

You come across so articulately and (understandably) passionately. It made me wonder if there was something you could do with getting word out that it's REALLY important to report injuries at the time. There are often women in here who don't want to go to the police when their partner harms them and they think people are being a bit over dramatic when they say to do it.

If it's not possible to make the bastard who did this to you pay, there might be other ways to stop other bastards from getting away with it.

Btw I really like the idea of suing abusers for the damage they've done. Many many men view money as ultimately more sacred than any woman ever could be. Making them pay - even if part of it is to the NHS - for the impact of the damage they cause would mean more to them than much else.

I hope this doesn't seem irritating in some way. I completely recognize your fury over the impact on your life of his behaviour. It's no so easy to just "let it go". x

@purplecorkheart

You cannot get around the statue bar though. You had your 2/3years to do so. The court are not going to lift it. It is not as if you have been in a coma from the incident till now.

Also not sure if it is relevant but would the fact that the incident happened aboard mean that UK law would apply or would you have to go through the courts of another country?

With regards to the letter can you prove that it caused any loss to you? Eg loss of income, loss of clients etc. Otherwise I can see this costing you a lot of money for very little. Indeed you could end up paying both sets of costs.

Unfortunately in subsequent years following the relationship, i've been busy dealing with other traumas / abusive relationships.

Historical abuse victims get compensation all the time. It is not my fault that it happened abroad and not my fault that there was no instant visible blood or obvious instant injury.

I am not worried about losing and being liable for any costs, as I have nothing, so nothing to lose. I am more tempted to do this without a lawyer. Does anyone know what the cost would be to file a small claim and what is the maximum amount that can be awarded in small claims court?

The maximum you can claim for injury as a small claim is £1000.

OP you stated to me yes you know best yes about the abuse you say you put up with yes you know your about that bit .but you seem so determined to go through with an act of folly which will cost you money and achieve nothing you have no legal chance. So why are you asking opinions you dont careabout anyway you have tunnel vision and assault abroad years ago by a man you knew six months will be so hard to prove. The money you will pay k
Lawyers keep that spend it on therapy .and please dont even think about no win no claim lawyers

Both of those things can be found easily on the internet. If you’re going to be litigant in person you have to be very much a self-starter. Your question does not bode well.

You will also need to pay £70 for the issue fee and £80 for the hearing fee.

@mynameiscalypso

I have been in the position of taking police action for a historic offence and suing someone (albeit two separate people). There's a huge difference between knowing something happened and being able to prove it. And that can be very invalidating. I agree that, ultimately, you're better off with therapy. The legal processes - which were long and drawn out - contributed a huge amount of stress. That combined with PTSD from the event triggered a breakdown which I am still working through three years later.

I've had a breakdown. Recovering now and only now feel able to deal with this. Some people never get to a point where they feel able to deal with abuse / trauma.

I understand lots of people suggesting therapy. I think therapy can be great for some people, but it is not right for everyone and I would find therapy much more stressful.

Nasty, vicious bastard.
I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I absolutely wish you well.

I'd contact the Women's Legal team suggested upthread first and foremost t see if you have a case. I hope you do.

DO NOT contact this bastard yourself. You do not want lines of communication open with him at all. If your case falls flat at the first hurdle then you are handing an immense amount of power over to him and will give him great satisfaction. He wrote letters to provoke you and by contacting him directly, you are giving him what he wants.

Get advice. That's the most important thing.

Have you had counselling? I hope so. I'm relieved you've survived this man, but tread very very carefully here.

The claim form that will be served on him will include your address. Are you comfortable with that?

@aweegc

OP I have had to pay thousands (over 10k) due to damage done to me by the person who abused me while they're walking around being told what a wonderful person they are because of the community work they do (abroad, not something that can be controlled here). It's driven me almost insane at points. Like they go on holiday and I can't afford to, for example, because the energy it's taken to partially heal has dramatically altered the sort of work I can do.

I would dearly love them to pay financially. However, I know that the law isn't interested in how I feel. It's rather cold and that's it. It's possible to challenge the law, but that takes MASSES of financial and energy resources I don't have.

You come across so articulately and (understandably) passionately. It made me wonder if there was something you could do with getting word out that it's REALLY important to report injuries at the time. There are often women in here who don't want to go to the police when their partner harms them and they think people are being a bit over dramatic when they say to do it.

If it's not possible to make the bastard who did this to you pay, there might be other ways to stop other bastards from getting away with it.

Btw I really like the idea of suing abusers for the damage they've done. Many many men view money as ultimately more sacred than any woman ever could be. Making them pay - even if part of it is to the NHS - for the impact of the damage they cause would mean more to them than much else.

I hope this doesn't seem irritating in some way. I completely recognize your fury over the impact on your life of his behaviour. It's no so easy to just "let it go". x

I couldn't report it at the time. I didn't realise I had any physical injury. I believed the assault was my fault. I thought I was in love with him.

OP now you are going on about historical abuse victims jesus that is compensation for people in institution settings. Now the small claims court you just seem to want money not justice .then you state you were dealing with other abusive relationships. Jings how do you know they never caused the injury and not the first man .can you not see a lawyer would have a field day with you .

OP go back to whoever was treating you for your breakdown.

Historical abuse victims get compensation all the time. It is not my fault that it happened abroad and not my fault that there was no instant visible blood or obvious instant injury
Going through the court is not about getting emotional justice. you don't get compensation because something happened that wasn't your fault. You need to evidence that someone else caused you damage and that this damage has lasting consequences.

The defense will be there to pick up any tiny hole in your statement.

For instance, you say that you had a scan for a mother reason and the injury was picked up then. How well documented is it that the other treason for the scan has no correlation at all with the pain/physical restriction you are experiencing. Does it state in black and white that it is all caused by this specific injury?

How are you going to evidence that you didn't have an accident after the assault and that only that assault could explain the injury?

Keep it mind that if you mind that if you take him to court, make a full of yourself, get nothing and have to pay his costs, it will make you feel ten times worse than you are now.

Why did he smash you head against a wall when he proposed? That's bizarre, and even more so that you accepted?

You had no witnesses, and it wasn't reported and documented at the time. That ship's sailed.

As for defamation, I believe you need to have suffered actual loss because of the defamation? Whether it is loss of your good name or money. If the recipients threw the letters (or whatever) in the bin then I don't think defamation is a winner. Not only that it is massively expensive.

Sorry to sound unsympathetic. Maybe talk to a now win no fee solicitor to see what the legal situation is.

@BullOx

How would you prove anything? It happened years ago, in a foreign country and you didn’t report it then.

You say you know it was caused by his actions, but injuries were only discovered years later. How can you conclusively tie the two events together?

Because the injury is consistent with the assault. As soon as injury was discovered the consultant told me I MUST know how that happened and I then immediately knew it was from the assault

But you can't prove it. I'm sorry, I know how shitty it is when you know something is true but there's a high bar for proof both in legal and civil cases and the fact that you know something to be true doesn't meet that.