Page 2 | Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

Bestservedcold1 · 2021-02-20T07:12:00+00:00

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed. I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse. I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs. More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him. I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal. I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery. The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me. What should I do?

Nith · 20/02/2021 08:09

It was quite a few years ago but I didn't have spinal surgery until some years later as is a progressive injury. I had to have a ceramic implant in my neck... It's possible I may need further surgery too

I'm afraid that won't help you. You obviously knew you had sustained the injuries at the time.

Original poster

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 08:10

@Slumberdoon

I think it sounds as if the validation of what he did to you is as important as the money. What an evil man.

Yes you are right. The money is also important too as has affected my life profoundly in so many ways. I am sure money is extremely important to him too, which is why the process would be so satisfying for me.

I actually wanted children with this man and thank my lucky stars that didn't happen!

OP posts:

MRex · 20/02/2021 08:21

He sounds awful and it's good that you got away. The injury may be too hard to prove after all this time and I think that would upset you more, but it's awful to think of him getting away with it.
How long ago was that letter to the other people? You would need more than one event, but could potentially get a harassment charge. You can see details here:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/harassment-and-the-law/.

angieloumc · 20/02/2021 08:22

I'm very sorry for what happened to you but I think you would be better paying for some therapy as this is clearly affecting you even now.

lolaflores · 20/02/2021 08:23

Ask yourself do you want this person a where near you in any respect?
Do you want to have to communicate with him even if its through 3rd parties?
I u understand your anger that he appears to have got off with the damage and fear he inflicted on you but this is not a rational person by the sounds of it. If u give him the tiniest reason to come for you then I think the whole nightmare willstart again .
Dont open the door to this beast again because you cannot guarantee you will not be able to manage the risk if you do

Original poster

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 08:24

@Ihearab

I don’t think you’re going to be able to go down the criminal compensation route as you needed to have reported to the police “as soon as practical”.

I think you’d be better to focus on looking forward - what has triggered you to consider this now?

When it happened I was in shock & quite dazed. He had also smashed my phone, but I wouldn't have even known how to contact the Police abroad & it didn't even cross my mind. He was begging forgiveness & crying afterwards.

The following day the UK Police called him as his house had been burgled in the UK. He was getting all the sympathy & assistance from them - Ironic considering he was assaulting me at the same time the burglary happened.

From that point everything was about dealing with this burglary and I was expected to support the horrific trauma he was suffering.

When the relationship ended I unfortunately didn't have the right support around me to go to the Police and I guess didn't feel capable of dealing with it until years later.

I am still suffering the damage from the injuries all these years later & only now feel strong enough to pursue this.

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Newmumatlast · 20/02/2021 08:26

I'm afraid I agree with the previous poster that it sounds as though you're very much out if time for a personal injury action. I would focus on therapy to help you come to terms with what happened to you x

FindingMeno · 20/02/2021 08:27

You are out of time to sue.
I'm sorry you have ongoing problems from his abuse

customwatkins · 20/02/2021 08:32

What if you sued and lost - you would be poking the monster (there'll probably be all sorts of nasty backlash from him) and you may walk away feeling like he'd won. That wouldn't do your emotional well being any good at all.

Are you not better keeping him well out of your life and working on healing on your own.

I'm so sorry you are still affected by the aftermath of this abuse, you must be so relieved you got out when you did!

Original poster

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 08:36

@Nith

It was quite a few years ago but I didn't have spinal surgery until some years later as is a progressive injury. I had to have a ceramic implant in my neck... It's possible I may need further surgery too

I'm afraid that won't help you. You obviously knew you had sustained the injuries at the time.

No I didn't realise at the time I had sustained any head or neck injury. A few years later I had a scan for something unrelated and the neck injury was detected then. The consultant was shocked at the severity of the neck injury and was shocked that I was not in severe pain. He asked me how I sustained the injury as it must have been a severe impact to cause it. He told me that it would cause me significant problems in the future. It was a few years later that I needed the surgery as by that point the remaining disc was protruding into spinal nerve. So it wasn't an instant obvious injury.

OP posts:

BuggerBognor · 20/02/2021 08:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Oysterbabe · 20/02/2021 08:39

No I didn't realise at the time I had sustained any head or neck injury. A few years later I had a scan for something unrelated and the neck injury was detected then. The consultant was shocked at the severity of the neck injury and was shocked that I was not in severe pain. He asked me how I sustained the injury as it must have been a severe impact to cause it. He told me that it would cause me significant problems in the future. It was a few years later that I needed the surgery as by that point the remaining disc was protruding into spinal nerve. So it wasn't an instant obvious injury.

In which case if you could sue (which you can't) it would be virtually impossible to prove that his assault caused the injury.

Ihearab · 20/02/2021 08:43

In the nicest possible way OP - you need to move on from this. You can sue - and he’s a nasty terrible person - you’re not going to make him feel bad, or scared, or embarrassed.

The best you can hope is that next time he does it - the person will report.

But instead focus on you and how you can feel better.

Original poster

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 08:47

@BuggerBognor

You’re statute barred from suing. Nothing you have posted is likely to change that. No lawyer would take this on.

That is t today it’s not a horrible shitty thing to happen. It’s just not actionable in the way you think it is.

I could ask that the statue bar be lifted. The defamatory malicious letter is not statute barred. I couldn't deal with that at the time it was sent as I was recovering from a brain haemorrhage at the time (receiving the letter didn't exactly help).

I really do appreciate all of these replies & support - Some are very helpful, but comments such as suggesting I let sleeping dogs lie, or I should not sue are not helpful to me. That is similar to what I was told after ending the relationship with him and hasn't done me any favours.

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Oysterbabe · 20/02/2021 08:55

No, the bar won't be lifted. This isn't a guideline the court can consider or not, it is death to a claim that is out of time. It's a statute that ties the court's hands.
I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I am looking at the information you have posted with lawyer's eyes and telling you it will fail. Of course seek advice on your own, call CAB. I don't believe it's helpful to give you false hope.

MojoJojo71 · 20/02/2021 08:56

Some are very helpful, but comments such as suggesting I let sleeping dogs lie, or I should not sue are not helpful to me

With all due respect OP you asked the question, you can’t complain just because you’re not getting the answers you want.

I appreciate you have been through a terrible ordeal and he sounds like a despicable man but proving that in court is a different thing. By all means speak to a solicitor who specialises in personal injury but sadly I suspect they’ll tell you exactly the same as posters in this thread.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 08:56

I don't know how you could possibly say that suing wouldn't achieve anything. Yes is would most definitely achieve compensation for my injuries & other damages and also justice.

Well no it won’t achieve anything when you quite clearly won’t win. People aren’t telling you not to sue to be nasty, they are telling you that because there is not enough evidence for you to win and if you start the legal process it will be expensive, time consuming and you still won’t get the outcome you want, therefore all it is likely to do is cause you more stress and upset which you evidently don’t need.

I get it, I really do as I had to pay for extensive dental work as the result of an abusive ex. It’s a horrible thing to go through and I understand why you are very angry, but you really need to move on from the idea that you’re going to sue.

foodiefil · 20/02/2021 08:58

I know you want the validation but from what you've described this wouldn't get to court. It's understandable that you weren't in a good place to report it to the police at the time but it doesn't change the fact it wasn't reported to the police at the time.
I believe you that he did this but it doesn't sound like you have any proof. Even the letter is vaguely incriminating but it isn't proof.
Could you go back to the police and say you want to make a full statement about a serious assault that happened historically but that you're still suffering from? Do you have any emails where you put it to him what he did and he says anything?

I'm sorry this happened to you

aprilanne · 20/02/2021 09:01

In the nicest possible way why are you asking folks opinions you seem determined to pursue this arrogant even .even a lawyer rekks you have no chance but still you think you know best .you cant prove it was the assault that caused the injury you just assume it was and nasty letters wint count for much. And yes in court the first thing in court they would ask if you knew this man a mere 6 months why the hell did you stay .you seem angry he got in with his life and you want his money. Just let it go it's to late you cant suddenly decide 10 years later say to sue a man you hardly knew anyway.

MissMarpleDarling · 20/02/2021 09:01

YABU op

MissMarpleDarling · 20/02/2021 09:04

I had a neck injury, can't hear out of 1 ear and pain from broken ribs from my dick of an ex. Id rather burn his money. Whatever makes you happy though. Would it not be too hard to bring it all up? I just want to forget what mine did.

Lemmeout · 20/02/2021 09:12

I can see why you feel resentment and pain, physical and emotional.
This could consume you, your emotional anguish is not worthy of him. It easy for me to say move on, but honestly do you really want to dredge him back towards you? That is what this would do.

Lemmeout · 20/02/2021 09:15

I say this as someone who did receive a fair sized inheritance lately from an abusive and awful parent. I gave it all away. I don’t want anything that person touched.

Original poster

Bestservedcold1 · 20/02/2021 09:19

@aprilanne

In the nicest possible way why are you asking folks opinions you seem determined to pursue this arrogant even .even a lawyer rekks you have no chance but still you think you know best .you cant prove it was the assault that caused the injury you just assume it was and nasty letters wint count for much. And yes in court the first thing in court they would ask if you knew this man a mere 6 months why the hell did you stay .you seem angry he got in with his life and you want his money. Just let it go it's to late you cant suddenly decide 10 years later say to sue a man you hardly knew anyway.

I suffer the daily pain & anguish, so yes I absolutely do know best. I know what caused the injury, I do not assume anything. Yes and I have also got on with my life and yes, I absolutely do want his money. Letting it go doesn't take away the fact that every day I see his face with every twinge of pain.

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Aprilx · 20/02/2021 09:20

I can only add to the chorus a no good will come of this. It doesn’t sound like you will be able to prove he assaulted you and even if you could it doesn’t sound like you could tie the injuries directly to that incident. As others have said, you are time barred anyway.

My understanding is that defamations cases cost in the tens of £ks, do you really have this kind of money to risk? Maybe it would be better spending it on yourself and making your life better.

Finally I would not recommend that you invite this trouble back into, be glad that you were able to escape it.