Should I sue Abusive ex *[content warning: concerns domestic violence]

[Bestservedcold1]

I have a severe neck injury from several years ago when my abusive ex-partner smashed my head against a brick wall on the night he proposed.

I had to have spinal surgery a few years later to correct this, but still suffer with pain & it does affect my day to day life quite a bit and the spinal problems I have are gradually becoming worse again & is likely to continue becoming worse.

I left him shortly before our wedding day, after he again lost his temper, pinned me up against a wall spitting in my face, with his finger in my face, then trapped me in the bedroom and then chased me down the stairs.

More recently and quite out of the blue after all of these years, he sent a malicious letter to some third parties, making up all kinds of lies & false allegations about me, such as saying I am mental and alleging I own him a lot of money he claims I scammed from him.

I am extremely resentful that my injury he caused is a debilitating lifelong injury & I have to suffer the pain, financial losses, flashbacks & PTSD from my relationship with him, while he gets to carry on his life as normal.

I am considering suing him / writing him a letter asking for compensation for my injuries. I am not even sure he is aware of my spinal surgery.

The malicious letter sent years later caused me a great deal of distress & triggered all kinds of flashbacks & health problems for me.

What should I do?

I think I will leave it there. I've had enough abuse for one day

I could just as easily say that I have a broken ankle from where you ran me over with a car.

I have as much proof as you - I have a doctors note telling me I have a broken ankle. Why else would I have a broken ankle unless it was you running me over?

I am sorry this happened to you and the ongoing pain and distress it’s causing you. I completely understand your feelings of wanting retribution from the person who caused this. Your feelings are valid. However, as most posters have said, you are not going to get what you want from this.
My husband is a lawyer who does this type of law for a living. He says the statute is 3 years from knowledge of the injury. This is usually the date of the accident/trauma but in your case it could be the date of the scan which identified the injury. If your scan happened more than 3 years ago then suing him is just not an option. I’m not sure you are acknowledging that you will fall at the very first hurdle. It is that black and white. But feel free to contact a solicitor (because there is no way on Earth you could pursue this yourself, this is not a small claims court case but a civil case for personal injury) who will tell you exactly the same thing.
Please start thinking about what you will do once you realise this is a non-starter. You cannot pursue something that can’t be pursued. Sorry.

ifmy debilitating, lifelong injury was caused by some other party, then I would be suing them (and would probably achieve a much larger settlement).

No if the circumstances were the same you wouldn’t. There would still be no way to do so. I’m so sorry about what has happened to you- but you seem like you’re happy to actively damage yourself here.

There will be no case. There will be no compensation.

The only thing you are going to do is re-establish contact with someone it’s far better you didn’t. No solicitor is going to touch it.

You’re also to be honest going to, to some degree make what he’s saying about you appear to be true.

@BullOx

I could just as easily say that I have a broken ankle from where you ran me over with a car.

I have as much proof as you - I have a doctors note telling me I have a broken ankle. Why else would I have a broken ankle unless it was you running me over?

What do you think I should be paying him? Oh yes, poor man being angered & upset so much that he lost his temper. What an awful trauma for him. Lets abuse the actual victim some more, so we can feel better about our sad selves

Ok so are you going to ignore every piece of advice? Will you do the same when a solicitor tells you the same?

BullOx
“If I did lose, then there is a very serious problem with the British justice system”

What, innocent until proven guilty? Unfortunately you have no proof.
Exactly! So why do I have a broken neck?

He has no proof otherwise

HE DOESNT HAVE TO PROVE HE DIDNT DO IT

YOU HAVE TO PROVE HE DID

@foodiefil

BullOx “If I did lose, then there is a very serious problem with the British justice system”

What, innocent until proven guilty? Unfortunately you have no proof.
Exactly! So why do I have a broken neck?

He has no proof otherwise

HE DOESNT HAVE TO PROVE HE DIDNT DO IT

YOU HAVE TO PROVE HE DID

I didn't come on here to be abused more. How dare you wag your ignorant, judgemental little fingers.

It's clear to me you have some serious issues and suggest you seek therapy.

I won't be posting again

It's clear to me you have some serious issues and suggest you seek therapy.

The irony.

@Bestservedcold1 have you read anything else I've said?

You sound really poorly. I have shared my experience and urged you to seek help. You've ignored it and declared I need therapy because I put something in capital letters.

I told you to go to a domestic abuse charity I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT

@2021namechanger

It's clear to me you have some serious issues and suggest you seek therapy.

The irony.

Oh the irony!

I am so very sorry for what you've been through.

I have been through similar and it is always on the person who experienced the abuse to prove that it was the abuser who did actual harm and certain incidents to them.

The neck problems will not hold up. He can and will claim that it happened at some other time and that you could have fallen or been hurt by someone else. Courts require actual proof of incidents and one's word is not enough.

You are unfortunately out of time for trying for compensation and they would definitely make it an issue the fact that you never formally reported the assaults. It would more than likely fail due to this.

Please do not send him a letter. That is one of the worst things you could do. He could easily make out that you're harassing him and the other usual lines they tend to come out with and you would be playing right into his hands.

I know how bad it is to be left with life changing injuries and the feelings that go with it. Please do not contact this person and if he sends anymore correspondence then please report it to the police.

Also, please do not engage with him or try to get him to admit what he has done like you mentioned in a previous post. You also do not want him getting your address and please do not be trying to find out his contact details like you have also said. Or you could very well likely be looking at a harassment charge and he would love that. Don't give him the satisfaction.

PTSD is a horrendous thing to go through and there are many different things that can help. It's about trying to find the right fit for you.

Would also be worth you contacting a domestic helpline to speak to someone about what has happened to try and help process that.

Wish you the very best.

[quote foodiefil]@Bestservedcold1 have you read anything else I've said?

You sound really poorly. I have shared my experience and urged you to seek help. You've ignored it and declared I need therapy because I put something in capital letters.

I told you to go to a domestic abuse charity I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT[/quote]
I DON'T . CARE WHAT YOU SAY.

Yes I am poorly. I feel physically sick from reading your pathetic comments

I told you to go and get some therapy I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT

Oh yes, poor man being angered & upset so much that he lost his temper. What an awful trauma for him. Lets abuse the actual victim some more, so we can feel better about our sad selves

OP can you understand that people aren't saying he doesn't deserve punishment or that you don't deserve justice or compensation?

They're saying that the justice system (wrongly) means that you cannot win a case with your specific circumstances. Not that that's right, but that that's fact.

They also are trying to explain that such an abusive man is unlikely to be affected by your claim emotionally in the way you think and with his previous behaviour is likely to be angered and dangerous rather than stressed about it in a worried way.

None of its fair. I wish my rapist could be brought to justice. The system fails victims every day, that is so wrong and so awful and so angering. People are trying to suggest you don't do something that cannot possibly have the outcome you want, but could have an outcome that actually causes you further upset and issues.

You're angry and rightly so, you're in pain and he is a fucking bastard. But the system means you simply cannot win such a case. It doesn't seem that you're taking on board the fact people telling you this doesn't mean they don't believe you / think it's fair he gets away with it / don't support victims.

I couldn't report it at the time. I didn't realise I had any physical injury. I believed the assault was my fault. I thought I was in love with him.

I realised that OP. It was kind of my point. Lots of women who have been through similar(ish) didn't report at the time. It could be feelings of love, but other feelings too. The end result is the same though: a viscous violent fucker doesn't get into any trouble. Ever. And a woman suffers for years (or forever).

I wish there was an answer someone could give to help. Short of having sufficient evidence and a change in law, this is going to be a very very tough road. You deserve better - just like you deserved better.

What you went through sounds awful, but unfortunately I don't think you will get anywhere, and will go through a huge amount of stress. The fact it's been a few years might mean it's impossible anyway.

I say this as someone who sued there workplace after sustaining a shoulder/neck injury at work. My injury trigger a lifelong chronic pain condition. I was at no financial risk myself as I sued through my union, who covered the costs involved. I had to sit through several examinations by different doctors, who essentially question everything and make you feel like a liar. One tried to use the fact my mum took me to see a doctor because I had stiff neck when I was 10 as evidence I already had a pre-existing neck injury. They will question your mental health, if you've ever had depression or anxiety it will be used against you. Your immediate actions afterwards will be questioned, if it was reported, if you saw a doctor etc. You will need evidence of everything - healthcare costs, missed work due to illness, even the time and travel costs of relatives who cared for you - things that measure the impact of the injury on your life. I had kept an extensive pain diary, that detailed the effect on my life, and every doctor/hospital appointment. It was extremely stressful, and this impacted negatively on my health. I had to leave my job, partly due to my health and partly due to their behaviour towards me once I had made the personal injury claim.

I was lucky - I eventually took a settlement out of court, but essentially that was because I had great union representation and my workplace would want to avoid negative press, and me taking further legal action against them (discrimination, bullying)

I understand you anger, the resentment that it could effect you for a long time/forever, but think very carefully whether dreading it up again is in your best interests, given the chance of success is small

Im so sorry OP, sorry for what he did to you and sorry for the injuries (physical and psychological) you still carry.

But

The other lawyers (I too have worked on PI claims) are correct: you are out of time. That alone is reason not to proceed but as many others have said, there are other issues including the fact you cannot prove he assaulted you nor that the assault caused your current problems and losses.

You say that if you don't win you'll at least stress him out and cause him anguish - you wont. You'll write a letter with your demands and he'll pass it to a solicitor whose first question will be 'when did this happen?'. They will then tell him you are statute barred and he has nothing to worry about. They will write to you and tell you you are out of time and if you proceed to issue a claim with the court they will seek costs. They will tell you to direct correspondence to them and not him, so no stress for him there. If you do go ahead and issue a claim they will immediately seek to have it thrown out for limitation and will ask the court to make you pay his fees. They will be successful. The end.

All you will do is bring him back into your life and give him power over you; please don't do that, you deserve better.

OP doesn’t seem to be in a good place and is hellbent on ignoring any sensible advice anyone provides. She is consumed with bitterness to the point that she will disregard anything that doesn’t fit with her narrative. She’ll send a ranty letter to the ex who will probably do a quick Google search, realise she doesn’t have a valid case and then throw it in the bin. He may even enjoy knowing that he’s still causing her suffering and there’s nothing she can do about it.

It's unlikely that you'd be able to get compensation for the first injury, as you then went on to marry him. It's called condonation i.e. you 'forgave' him. Latter injuries could be the same unless you reported them to the police and immediately left the house.

I'm not sure about the malicious letter unless you can prove actual financial loss.

If you do decide to pursue this, be prepared for some ugly times ahead. Personally, I'd just move on.

By mistake I pressed YANBU I meant to say YABU

@aprilanne

Well after following this thread for hours I gave came to conclusion the op either has severe understanding problems or is making the whole thing up unfortunately. She says a few posts back this is her idea of reality she is not kidding .and the bit about them all going on holiday but separate and he threatened her would you as her parents actually go on holiday in those circumstances sorry I am reporting this thread. Christ one got taken down yesterday because it was about single moms on benefits. So this nonsense should as well .

Wow - What a piece of work you are. You've been reported

Agree. It sounds like op is understandably not in a good place and only able to tolerate a certain response.

People have pointed out the blocks in your way. Op, if you want to push ahead do so whilst keeping in mind your claim, based on what you've said is likely to fail (the statute bar is not something you can have lifted/ changed - would require the government to actually change the law) and that the process will almost certainly increase your anger and anxiety.

I know from experience litigation can be very stressful. It takes time, and if you lose you might be at risk of being ordered to pay the other side's costs.