Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 19/02/2021 19:49

3 years ago. Why on earth did he tell you now?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 19/02/2021 19:51

He has unburdened himself and moved the burden on to you. As you say it isn't black and white and such an awful situation to be in. Is this something you think you could move on from? Sending Flowers

Annoy · 19/02/2021 19:51

There’s obviously a lot of guilt that’s built up in him over the years

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:52

He said he couldn't live with it any longer and considered taking his life - there's a big high bridge near where we live and he's apparently sat there several times now. So has now told me because of his mental health I guess ?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/02/2021 19:52

Yes, sounds like he did only tell you because of the guilt and his mental health.

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:53

I honestly don't know if I can move on from this or not right now - feel totally knocked off my feet .

OP posts:
EachBleachBlairTrump · 19/02/2021 19:53

He told you to relieve his own guilt, he kept it to himself for three years, why hurt you with it now? Was someone else going to tell you? Is there more to it than a one night stand and this is damage limitation? Conveniently it's all her fault. The mention of suicide also seems emotionally manipulative.
Personally I'd tell him to go, because I'd never trust him again and my brain would run wild with questions I could never factually answer, a relationship with no trust is worthless.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/02/2021 19:53

Don't make any rash decisions - take one day at a time and make sure you do what's right for you, not him.

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 19/02/2021 19:54

My advice to you is that you don’t have to make any decisions right now. I know there will be part of you wanting to make decisions, fix it, change it but you don’t have to react to it now. Wait. Breathe. Pause.

You can respond when your head is clearer...whenever that is. Be patient with yourself.

I am sorry you are in this situation and as someone who has been in a similar scenario I do understand what you might be going through.

Sunflowers095 · 19/02/2021 19:55

I would struggle to trust him, but equally since you didn't know technically you have moved on (until now). What have the last 3 years been like?

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:57

I've said he can stay here for now - and there isn't actually anywhere he can go - his family live the other end of the country and you can't book a hotel at the moment -and on top of that I don't want to upset the kids until I've made up my mind

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 19/02/2021 19:57

As much as I want to believe there are honest ones left ..... The last time I heard of a cheat saying all the woe is me shit they started talking about opening the relationship so they weren't "swamped" by the expectations of monogamy. You're not responsible for his mental health. He is. If you need to walk away for yours and your self respect that doesn't make you responsible.

caringcarer · 19/02/2021 19:58

Don't makr any hasty decisions when you are not thinking straight. My ex cheated but his affair lasted 2 weeks and he lied to me about Where he was. I had 3 kids, 18, 15 and 8. I knew I could not have sex with him again so I asked him to leave and divorced him. He kept saying it was mistake and begged to come home but I decided I could not forgive him. I thought we had a good marriage and active sex life and I could not understand why he did it if he loved me. I concluded he could.not love as much as i lovrd him. Your husband only cheated on one occasion so only you know if you.would want sex with him again and if you could ever trust.him.again.

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:59

The last 3 years have been up and down to be honest , his drinking and smoking increased and we've been struggling with the financial implications of covid

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 19/02/2021 19:59

Would I throw away 17 years of marriage for a single drunken fuck? No but I’m not you.

willithappen · 19/02/2021 20:00

I'd personally feel more upset that the last three years of my life were spent a complete and utter lie. He told you eventually but what other lies has he potentially kept?

I feel for you though, and I think it's something only yourself and time will tell

CuntyMcBollocks · 19/02/2021 20:00

Its a big thing to get your head around OP and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You need to take as much time as YOU need to come to terms with this and decide your future. Don't feel rushed or pressured into anything you're not ready for. Giving you a virtual hug Flowers

LastRoloIsMine · 19/02/2021 20:01

Hes told you only to receive his burden and now make it yours. Thats very selfish of him.
Nobody accidentally has sex. It doesnt matter if she stood naked in front of him he is at fault not her.

I wouldn't end my relationship just because if this but it would make me look at my husband and the kind of person he is. He has blamed her, blamed drink, used emotional blackmail on you and is now walking around guilt free....is he a good man?

m0therofdragons · 19/02/2021 20:01

You don’t need to rush any decision. When a close friend went through this she said she wouldn’t decide anything for 6 months but at 6 months he would have her decision and either they’d split or they would move on and start together. She chose to stay and they’re still together 13 years later but she needed time to process and grieve the relationship she lost before building a new one.

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 20:01

He was in tears saying he felt relieved to have told me but hates himself that he'd done it and he doesn't deserve any forgiveness . He has always been so honest , like too honest at times -I do believe it was a one off

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 20:03

He is a good man - usually . That's why I'm so shocked , he's not blaming her - I knew this was the case at the time , it was joked about that she fancied him in his workplace

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 19/02/2021 20:04

I’m usually quite black and white about these things, but 17 years of marriage and children makes this more grey.

If the 17 years have generally been good and he’s not a complete ass, then I would probably give another chance.
As long as nothing else comes out.

Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 20:04

In normal circumstances I think I would of had a break from him , but he's here now upstairs with the kids building a fort

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 20:05

And thanks for the hugs - I tried to talk to my mum about this today but just couldn't say it as I didn't want her to feel my pain . I told her I think I'm 100% somethings happened a while back and she said I need to decide if I can let it go and be happy or not

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 19/02/2021 20:08

I'm glad he told me instead of jumping off a bridge though- that would have been more devastating .

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.