To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster OP. One minute you will love him, the next you will hate every bone in his body.

I can assure you however you feel right now, you won’t be feeling the same in six months, a year or two years time. The emotions will pass and you will be able to think clearly again and make the right decisions for you. It is a rollercoaster though and my heart goes out to you especially as we are in lockdown and life is so different.

There is no rush for you to be ok and make a decision.
It really doesn't matter if she chased him or not. End of the day he chose to cheat.
If hi MH is poor then he needs to take steps to access support which is not drinking or smoking.

Your relationship will never be the same again. For some it can be a positive thing for others its not.

Purely based on the information in your post I would look for some counselling and try and save your relationship.

It is totally possibly to overcome anything in life if you have the will and commitment to do it and with the right help of course.

I left a marriage after his affair but we had no children and hadn’t invested half our lives. Plus his affair was a symptom of an unhappy home life - it doesn’t sound like your DP acted out of unhappiness or a desire to leave the relationship

Hmm, why has he told you now? People usually minimise affairs to start with so there may be more to this. Was someone else going to tell you?

I feel very strongly that when people drop a bombshell like this, they don't get to be the one who's upset and hurt. He should be making you feel secure, not unburdening himself and leaving you to worry about his fragile mental health.

I think the problem for me about giving him another chance is things woukd never be the same again sadly. I would never be able to trust him again either.

In a world where divorce is accepted and not frowned upon, I know I felt judged (by myself and others) for staying when my husband had sex with a work colleague. It’s almost like choosing to not leave is more shameful than walking away.
However, it’s no one’s business but yours. This is your marriage and only you know if you can live with this. Being angry and hurt are normal, desperately clinging to him is normal. Your response (no matter what it is) is justified.
I recommend the Ted talk and book by Esther Perel. Both helped me hugely - I also found out about 18 months after the event had taken place and found that hard to deal with and process.
She may help you too.
You’re welcome to pm me if you wanted to talk

Things will definitely never be the same again and right now I don't feel like I could ever have sex with him again . I honestly don't believe there's any more to the story than what he's told me

No they won’t be the same. To quote the counsellor I mentioned - this marriage is over, your decision now is if you want another one, with the same man.

He says only 1 work colleague knows about this and she's long gone - but I feel like I'm covering for him by not telling people . I've not posted before so not sure how to message but thank you for the offer

@The6thQueen yes that's a good point

I don't particularly want to tell anyone though! I'm a private person and the thought of people knowing - whether we split or not just fills me with anxiety

Selfish, selfish git

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved this one?

I'm so sorry, OP.

Definitely give yourself time to feel all the feelings before you make any decisions.

FWIW, for me, I would definitely give it another chance...there would need to be a lot of talking, maybe counselling...... but it's hard to find someone you want to spend your life with, and if you've found that, it's really worth fighting for.

You don’t need to tell anyone. Why would you? It’s nobody else’s business.

These things are only ever 'black and white' when they're not actually happening to you.

It's shit of him to tell you just so he can feel better, which is what it sounds like his reason was. It's not your responsibility to ease his conscience, to lie for him or to keep up appearances.

You don't need to make any decisions immediately. Give yourself a chance to process your feelings and move past the initial shock.

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been there and it totally knocks the wind out of your sails.
I think you are right to take your time to think it over. It is a big shock and your emotions will Evolve over a course of time. This has to be about what you want to do. Don’t think about what others think (or would think) about it. This is your relationship and only you know if you can move forward together from it.
However, I would say I too always thought I would never be able to accept it either. But life moved in mysterious ways and sometimes actually it can bring into focus what you don’t want to lose and open up channels of communication about things that need to change which was an elephant in the room previously.
But right now - I hope you are ok. I know it will feel like the rugs been whipped from under your feet and everything you took for granted no longer feels safe or the same, and that’s a hard position to be in x

Yes, that’s the TED talk. The book is The State of Affairs. I don’t agree with all she has to say, but some of it resonated with me.
You don’t have to tell anyone, you may want to now to make him ashamed. You may always want to, you may wish no one to ever know. Try to sleep on things before you make a decision, make sure it’s really what you want.

Thanks for all your kind words all of you . Fuck this hurts more than anything I've ever felt

Don’t make any rash decisions. You are going to feel like you have been punched for a bit, then you and he will need to try and work through it.

It’s a ONS so of course makes sense to try and work it out if you can.

I’d be mad as hell at him for telling me though, I think if you screw up and have a ONS you owe it to your partner not to make them deal with it - using you as his emotional bin is not OK.

You say "Thank you for telling me. I don't know how I feel, I didn't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can forgive you or not. I'm not going to make any quick decisions and you DO NOT get to pressure me to. You took 3 years to tell me. I may need that sort of time, or even longer, to work out whether I can forgive you and to move on from it if I do. If you ever try to pressure me to get over it 'faster' I will ask you to leave there and then. "

It does hurt and he’s an utter wanker for doing it. I wish I had the words to make it better for you.
I can offer that time will help. I found out at the end of August last year, it’s been a tough few months, for that and many other reasons.
It’s much more manageable now though - I won’t say our relationship is amazing, or that I’m in a great place because that’s not true. Again for a myriad of reasons. However, I can look at it all more objectively and with logic and not just raw emotion any longer. It is easier in that way.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. Bide your time and see how it feels. Bottom line, if it was a one off and if you have been decent together over all those years, I think it would make sense to try to forgive him.

He's not pressured me for any answers or decisions at all - he's very surprised I've not kicked him out and says he doesn't deserve my forgiveness as he has betrayed me and broken my heart - which he has, my chest hurts I've never felt this before

I wouldn't end it, no. He needs to give you time to get your head together and not ask anything emotionally of you though. You have to be able to process this at your own pace and work through/talk about all your emotions and he needs to let you and not belittle/guilt trip/be dismissive/try to make you pity him. He clearly really regrets it and of course no one accidentally has sex but everyone makes mistakes, including really bad ones.

Esther Perel writes some brilliant stuff about infidelity and what it can mean for a relationship, or not. I would highly recommend her stuff. There's a good article about her book here: www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/18/in-defense-of-adulterers

You will definitely get a lot of once a cheater always a cheater, what a terrible person, all men are bastards responses on here. But only you know your husband and while this transgression changes your view of him and your relationship, it doesn't render him a caricature. He's still the same man with all his idiocies and vulnerabilities. It may be the best thing for you is to end things but it's not a given. There's no 'should' in this kind of thing, there is just you, him and your relationship.

But also, tell him to cut out that suicide shit. You need to be able to feel your feelings without guilt or fear. He needs to step back and give you that space. He feels so eaten up with guilt he probably wants reassurance RIGHT NOW but it is perfectly acceptable to be unable to give this now, or for awhile, or ever.

Sorry this has happened op.