To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I agree with @ClaryFairchild. There is no set way for you to behave or script you should follow.
He needs to be open to talking about this with you. You may want to talk about it lots initially - take care what questions you ask though. You may think you want to know the answer, but once you know it you can’t unknow. Really think about why you want that information, will it help you to move on or will it just be something to needle yourself with.
It helped us, after the initial couple of days when I was reeling (and spitting bullets) that we would set aside a bit of time each day where we would talk about it. I could ask any questions I’d built up over the day and I knew I would have that opportunity to talk without having to be the person that raised the issue over and over.

I'm sorry OP. You don't have to make any decisions just yet. Is it possible for you to find a way to get some head space for a few days?

It’s good that he is sorry and admits his wrong doing. That’s a good sign, I think

@sal1223

I'm glad he told me instead of jumping off a bridge though- that would have been more devastating .

He was never going to jump off a bridge OP he's saying this so you don't kick him out / ask for a divorce.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing having him here though while I try and process my feelings - but there isn't anywhere for him to go. I won't be sharing a bed with him but that's not unusual-what I haven't mentioned is one of my children has a disability and I end up in with them most nights anyway- although he's always been totally understanding of this it's probably a contributing factor

I'd be very wary and suspicious. He could be trying to cover his tracks and it may have happened much more recently than this....he may suspect someone else is going to tell you. Waiting this long and then telling you seems odd.

I'll say what you probably don't want to hear, and that there is more to this than he is letting on. How could he have been "blind drunk" and have had that one night stand? Generally men can't do both...

If you are in any doubt as to whether you end it, which you obviously are, then I would advise that the fewer people you tell, the better. You've told your mother, but I really wouldn't ask other people IRL for advice. You will become the subject of gossip and pity, and trying to move on with your husband will be so much harder if people all around you are judging you and him for whatever you decide to do.

It is likely he’s had an affair for the past three years, not a one night stand. She is about to tell you or has threatened to tell you.

He is preparing you with a false story so that when she reveals the affair he can say that she is lying and it was just a one night stand.

I also doubt she openly and ravenously pursued him.

Take it one day at a time op. You’re not doing anything wrong. See how it goes having him there, see if it’s good for you or not.
Have you thought about counselling - might help you to talk in a structured way?
You didn’t bring this about, it’s all his decision, explainable or not. He did this, not you.

@amixedbag that's not true , I know it's not

what I haven't mentioned is one of my children has a disability and I end up in with them most nights anyway- although he's always been totally understanding of this it's probably a contributing factor

Have you managed to remain faithful in the same set of circumstances?

@amixedbag bit of a leap

a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her

This sounds unlikely.

it's probably a contributing factor

No, no, no! You don't blame yourself for what he did. Did you go off and have a ONS because you were sleeping in separate beds?

Personally I'd be wondering why he's chosen to tell you now. Is someone/something about to come out of the woodwork that he doesn't want you to know?

@The6thQueen yes have looked up 'Relate' today.

There’s lots of reasons he could have told op now - stress brought about by a pandemic, lockdown giving him more time to think and feel ever more guilty.
We have no idea.
It’s not helpful to project our negative thoughts and experiences onto the op. Just to give the advice she’s asked for - not make up dramatic and spurious details that will only serve to heighten her anxiety!

They are very good op - we’ve used them before and found them non-judgemental and helpful

He said he couldn't live with it any longer and considered taking his life

Ah yes, the emotional blackmail gambit - amazing how many use that one

I agree with PPs that there's no need to make instant decisions and that counselling may well help, but I also agree there'll be a lot more to this than you've been told, including why he chose to tell you now - and it's very unlikely to be for the reason he's claimed

I also picked up on his mum's remark that "I need to decide if I can let it go and be happy or not", which sounds very focused on a situation you'd told her so little about
Does she know already?

Give yourself time to process it. Him doing this doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want you. People do fuck up. But equally if you want to leave him that is also fine. Just give it time for the shock to fade and so you can process it.

He’s not gonna jump off a bridge - he’s saying that to make u feel bad for him and be less likely to kick him out and to try and take the blame away from his shitty behaviour. There’s no excuse for cheating. None.
I’d actually be more mad that the last 3 years have been a lie
Pack his stuff and kick his shitty arse out

Tbh unless this bridge is in a location without any roads, traffic cameras, or nearby buildings it is quite unlikely he could have sat there repeatedly without anybody calling the police. Especially if it was during the day.

Either way, it's really shitty to tell someone you've done something awful to hurt them and then combine it with 'but you have to be pleased I told you because otherwise I would have killed myself'.

@VinylDetective

Would I throw away 17 years of marriage for a single drunken fuck? No but I’m not you.

agree

@The6thQueen

There’s lots of reasons he could have told op now - stress brought about by a pandemic, lockdown giving him more time to think and feel ever more guilty. We have no idea. It’s not helpful to project our negative thoughts and experiences onto the op. Just to give the advice she’s asked for - not make up dramatic and spurious details that will only serve to heighten her anxiety!

Yes some people are very quick to jump to conclusions.

Why do people do this?! Of course he is feeling guilty, he fucking should do!

My friends husband had a brief affair which I know for a fact he regretted and he put an end to it after a few weeks and promptly told his wife because he felt bad. So then he was ok as he had been honest with her and she was the one suffering from his actions. When they split up it was all her fault of course because he had done the right thing by being honest and it wasnt his fault she couldnt deal with it.

Asshole.

He has put all his pain into you so he doesnt have to deal with it anymore. I wouldnt end the marriage for the ONS but I would end it for his utter selfishness and cruelty.

@Ickiness

He’s not gonna jump off a bridge - he’s saying that to make u feel bad for him and be less likely to kick him out and to try and take the blame away from his shitty behaviour. There’s no excuse for cheating. None. I’d actually be more mad that the last 3 years have been a lie Pack his stuff and kick his shitty arse out

People do jump off bridges and buildings.

Really easy to tell someone else to end 17 years, maybe he's lying and maybe he's not but you don't know what the truth is.

OP don't get bullied into doing anything hasty. You don't have to decide now, you can take as long as you like to work through this and make a decision - yes I've been through it.