To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I'm hurting because I I love him - this is just awful

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

And he loves him too. Please op start loving and protecting yourself.

Just read your updates op and all I can say is 2hat a manipulative man! He's got you feeling sorry for him now hasn't he? And you'll be so grateful that he's home that you will drop this won't you? Call the police and then leave it (easier said than done I know) I would even call his family and yours and let them all know everything, including the suicide threats. If you call the police and his family you have done everything you can. You are way too close to his issues (if he has any which I doubt) to help him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

that’s all he wants is to be normal and enjoy our lives together and be there for our children and watch them grow up

Got drunk
Took drugs
Fucked someone else
Kept it a secret, lying by omission for years
Unburdened himself after years to make himself feel better
Told you he was suicidal ie be pleased I told you and don't shout at me or I'll kill myself
Told you he felt better for telling you
Told you it was your fault he fucked someone else as you didn't give him enough time
Said if he left he wouldn't see the kids much
Said if he left he might move abroad
Said he would stay if YOU made more effort

So him fucking someone else, telling you years later to ease his conscience and feeling suicidal about the guilt has turned into him attempting to persuade HIM you can make him happy with more time and nights out?!

What should you say to him?

"Fuck off, you entitled little prick."

That's what.

This times a thousand!

Brilliant post

Sorry that was way harsher than it was supposed to be . I know you are hurting, it's shit but is this the roller coaster you want to be on for the next year, two years, forever?

Can you call your friends, mum or counsellor?
Get some support for you and the kids.
Good luck

@sal1223
I am so sorry you are having to go through all this again!

As I said up thread gather your family and close friends around you. Let them take care of you as he has emotionally, physically and mentally put you through the ringer since he told you about this OW.

You need some peace now to rest your brain, body and mind. You have to look to the future make some life changing decisions and be true to yourself.

It is YOU who matters now, so stop worrying about him all the time. I know this is hard as you still care for him but he has not shown any real remorse for his actions.

As pp's have said people who shout out about suicide rarely do it. It is usually undertaken quietly without any warnings being given.

You know he is in a safe place now. Time to switch off your phone and make time for yourself and your children.

I haven't told my mum yet as she will never speak to him ever again

As far as he's concerned "mental health / suicide" is his get out of jail free card.

That's why he's not explicitly asking to come home because he knows that if he plays this card you'll take him back whatever he does.

I'm sorry he's dragged this out and you're hurting. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do to get out of this cycle and end the relationship. Take care.

You need to take a step back now. He's turning himself into the victim. Don't engage.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If he was THAT drunk he wouldn't have been able to have sex, sorry.

Only you can decide what to do but I feel you should firstly give yourself time to get over the initial shock. Let the anger come next and then find out what REALLY happened. Only once you have the whole story can you make a decision.

Sending flowers and hugs.

I've contacted OW , it happened twice not once twice

You don’t love him now, you love the version of the person he used to be. He’s manipulating the entire situation and he needs to be accountable for his actions. He is responsible so he needs to own it and stop deflecting on you.

Tell your mum and get support. Stop feeling sorry for him he’s doing enough wallowing for both of you.

Before and after we went on holiday - I've also lowered myself and sworn at her so feeling extra shitty

@sal1223 please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s natural to still care for your husband who’s been your companion & best friend for 17 years.

It’s not right that it took him 3 years to confess to you and it certainly wasn’t right for him to get that drunk especially as she’s been openly pursuing him.

There is no shame in giving him a second chance, however please make sure it’s YOUR decision and not him guilt tripping you into it.

You know everything you need to know now, OP. Don't contact her again and don't contact him until he has found somewhere to live and you need to sort out the children.

Concentrate on your children and yourself. Gather people who love you and will help you. You just have to get you and your DC through these horrible few weeks now.

There's no going back now - I just rang him and he admitted and said yeah

@sal1223 What an arsehole. Glad you managed to hear from her to know what he's been upto.

He lies and you can't trust him.

Please don't take him back ever.

I feel so sick

She was like 'meh' people make mistakes

What a selfish shit he is. I hope you find your anger.

Of course he lied, he's a cheater. Please don't take him back. What a cock.

I'm devastated- and angry . How could he