To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I wouldn't confide in anyone close to you OP, maybe an advice line could help you to think things through?

Also, take all the time you need, however long that is and don't let the fact that you're living together now influence your ultimate decision. Reserve the right to make your decision at a time that suits you and your children best.

I'd also like to add that having additional needs in your family life is not some kind of passport or get out clause to betray trust.

Good luck.

It took 3 years for him to feel guilty enough to tell you? I would be checking this woman hasn't come out of the closet baring a 2 year old child before I decided on anything.

Don't ask mumsnet. Seek counselling and support from those who love you.

[quote sal1223]@amixedbag that's not true , I know it's not [/quote]
As of yesterday you also knew your husband had never been unfaithful.

I think I would be more annoyed that he couldn't keep the matter to himself and think him weak and selfish he had to ruin your day (life) by blurting it all out when apparently it's been over for so long.

Yes to a joint therapist. Yes to asking if there is any more to tell you because if you find out later then that would be unforgivable territory.

It can be the start of a different marriage one where you work closer to prioritising yourself as a couple with honesty and building walls of protection.

There is no rush, you are looking at a few years to get over the worst of it whether you stay together or not.

@sal1223

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing having him here though while I try and process my feelings - but there isn't anywhere for him to go. I won't be sharing a bed with him but that's not unusual-what I haven't mentioned is one of my children has a disability and I end up in with them most nights anyway- although he's always been totally understanding of this it's probably a contributing factor

Please don't go down the road of thinking this is in any way your fault. Presumably your child with a disability is also his. He doesn't need to be understanding just a parent. I'm so sorry you're going through this

OP I am sorry that you are going through this. It’s horrendous.
But please do not let his suicide threats influence what you may decide to do. Like others who have been through similar, I think you have to acknowledge the real possibility that there is more to this. Perhaps she was about to force his hand. Don’t let him take the driving seat here. Put your feelings first.

@sal1223

The last 3 years have been up and down to be honest , his drinking and smoking increased and we've been struggling with the financial implications of covid

I would consider whether it was a one off or longer - closer to the 3 years.

I think it’s too early to be making decisions. Can he move out for a bit to give you some head space?
I think him being there isn’t going to help your emotions.

I'm so sorry for your pain
If his mental health is such that he considered suicide, I hope he is engaging with his GP.
One day at a time, just breathe. Deep breaths. Don't make any sudden decisions. This is so painful, I know.

Has he harmed himself or talked about suicide before. Could this be a manipulative ploy to make it difficult for you to kick him out? I'd be interested as to why he's unburdening himself now. I actually don't buy that he wouldn't just bury this and move on. Could it be there's more to this situation and someone might be about to let you know?

I appreciate this is devastating for you but he's a cheat and a liar.

So sorry this happened OP. To me infidelity will always be unforgivable and not something I couldn't tolerate for the sake of my self-respect. It must take a huge amount of cognitive dissonance for a woman to have sex with her husband knowing he's had sex with another woman. I simply couldn't do it and feel sick at the mere thought.

I hope you find happiness whatever path you choose.

As of yesterday you also knew your husband had never been unfaithful

Indeed

It seems wise that so many of us have suggested making no instant decisions, but IMO it's also wise to assume nothing - and that includes believing that he confessed out of "guilt" (especially as he then dressed it up with a hateful threat)

If this truly was a one-off drunken mistake it's hard to see what the point would be in burdening OP with it, but sadly these things often turn out to be anything but one-offs

I feel bad for you OP. It takes a lot from his side to admit this to you. All I can say is that this must eat him alive. When the world is normal again, I would recommend marriage counselling.

Yanbu personally I wouldn't kick someone out over this . People make mistakes .

I'd be more annoyed if it was a long lasting emotional affair as opposed to a one night stand .

Personally wouldn't want to throw 17 years away over what 1 hour of stupidity

I found out about his one night stand 9 years after the event after he kissed someone else and she guessed he'd done it before so he was worried it would all come out. Interestingly, I could pin point when it happened because I knew something changed at that point but I couldn't work out what (wasn't on Mumsnet then!). He still maintains he didn't actually have sex but that was irrelevant to me as the intention was there. For me, the challenge was not the one night stand (which I know I could have got past if he'd been upfront about it) but the million little lies in the years following. And I found I kept being tripped up with memories of incidents that now made sense.

Even so, I tried and tried. We did ,18 months of counselling and seemed to be making progress to start with. But ultimately it turned out that he blamed me and wasn't prepared to put any real effort in and our counsellor had to point out to me that nothing was changing. The final straw was when he said that I kept bringing it up and I realised that I wasn't, it was him, and that actually he wanted out but was too weak to admit it.

I never wanted to be a single parent, I knew I'd be rubbish at it, and I am but my biggest regret is the years I wasted trying to make it work. By the time we broke up I was close to broken. So my suggestion would be to not make a decision now while it's still so raw but set a limit (6 or 12 months) to review and stick to it.

Tell him that you are ready to forgive him as long as you have pass to sleep with someone else too. Would he be ok with that?

He’s made himself feel better by making you feel broken hearted. That is not a good man. He’s a shit. A cheating shit. No one can tell you what to do in your marriage, what would you advise your daughters to do when they are older?

I would ask him to see his gp about his depression and suicidal thoughts, that would be non negotiable. It shouldn’t be all on you to deal with worry and possible emotional blackmail.
If you do choose to seperate and he does start telling you he’s suicidal, phone the police each time and they can do a welfare check.

Try live as seperate lives as you can (so no sleeping together, don’t do washing and cooking for him, just give yourself as much distance as possible to think about what you want.

If you do stay together, you won’t be able to trust him, and he will need to be aware of this that trust is going to take a long time to build up. I don’t know if you can get back to the level of trust you had before.

I really doubt there are many men for whom the guilt of infidelity is so great they end their lives.

He’s emotionally manipulating you. And he’s a liar.
When people show you who they are, believe them.

You say "Thank you for telling me. I don't know how I feel, I didn't
know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can forgive you or not. I'm not going to make any quick decisions and you DO NOT get to pressure me to. You took 3 years to tell me. I may need that sort of time, or even longer, to work out whether I can forgive you and to move on from it if I do. If you ever try to pressure me to get over it faster' I will ask you to leave there and then

This is a great response, FWIW and I do realise that it's not worth much at all, I forgave my ex husband his first affair but not the second affair that I knew of. I suspect more in hindsight.
But there is no rush to decide. And if the decision is to part, then you dont ever need to justify that decision.

Without wanting to dismiss his or anyone else’s mental health struggles, the cynical part of me (because of my own experience with my ex when he cheated) would be fucking pissed off that he has confessed he’s cheated but oh no, he’s feeling suicidal about it so you can’t be too angry with him and do anything like kick him out, incase he does something to hurt himself. I’d also wonder if he’s been pushed into confessing and be wary that a “one night stand” might actually be a full blown affair. People only confess what they need to confess in my experience. Oh and he’s already trying to offload some blame by claiming the woman threw herself at him like he doesn’t have free will and couldn’t have told her thanks, but no thanks and he’s actually happily married.

Like I said, I’m that cynical for a reason. I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

I’m wondering if there’s a child too or csa payments coming up.

Also find it unlikely he was blind drunk but capable.

OP
I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes and it was utter hell. I remember the pain in my gut and the agony each morning as reality hit me. It is too early for you to make any decisions and you are free to do so at any point. It would be helpful for you to confide in a trusted friend. If you decide to work through it then couples counselling will help.

Acidburn I gave myself a free pass to sleep with someone else and it knocked dh sideways. It was an affair as opposed to dh's ons. It was definitely part revenge and part me enjoying being desired by another man.

At times I cannot quite believe I have been unfaithful - I wonder if I had it in me all the time or if I was really that broken that I became self destructive.