To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

@stevalnamechanger

Yanbu personally I wouldn't kick someone out over this . People make mistakes .

I'd be more annoyed if it was a long lasting emotional affair as opposed to a one night stand .

Personally wouldn't want to throw 17 years away over what 1 hour of stupidity

I agree with this. If you are still able to love him, stick with him.

I wouldn’t be able to continue.

I think in reality, I’d crutch along for a while, trying, for the sake of the kids, love and ease. But ultimately, I wouldn’t ever be able to trust him again. Any time we weren’t together I’d be wondering. Every time he was on his phone, I’d be wondering. Every time he acted a bit odd, I’d be wondering.

I’d also (and this might be quite personal to me) be agreeing with some other posters. I’d be furious and not very sympathetic to his thoughts of suicide, and I’d never really believe him. I’d always be thinking that he selfishly decided to drop this on me to make himself feel better, and I’d never believe that a ONS after three years would cause that sort of emotional distress that I had never picked up on.

I do agree it would be a good ideas to tell him that you need time to grieve what your marriage was because whatever you decide, it’ll never be the same again.

I wouldn't throw in the towel for something that happened three years ago and only was a one off. But only you can decide if you can get past this. He must be very remorseful if he needed to get it off his chest after all this time.

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't throw in the towel for something that happened three years ago and only was a one off. But only you can decide if you can get past this. He must be very remorseful if he needed to get it off his chest after all this time.

Assuming a) it was a one-off and b) he's really remorseful and c) it was, actually, over three years ago

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Personally, I couldn't stay with him after this for the following reasons

1. telling you after three years and going into detail about how he wants to commit suicide is emotional blackmail. This is not what a decent man would do. Ever. He's absolutely manipulated you because obviously if he tells you he's been thinking about taking his life, you're hardly going to leave him are you? They are not the actions of an honest man and I wonder if you know him as well as you think you do.

2. he has shown he cannot control himself when he's drunk. This means he slept with someone because he came across the opportunity whilst drunk. Any time he has had a few in the future, I would imagine he would do the same. Why wouldn't he? If you've already taken him back once.

Just move this to relationships
Aibu is a shit show

I thought men find it hard (excuse the pun) to get it up when they’ve been drinking. Let alone if they’re ‘blind drunk’. Did he even use a condom, can he remember? If he did, he managed to get it on while ‘blind drunk’? He could have given you an STD. Chlamydia often doesn’t show symptoms IIRC.

The ‘I was too drunk to know what I was doing but not so drunk I couldn’t do it’ excuse. I’d be very wary OP. As a PP said you wouldn’t have believed he would have a ONS until now and he apparently had one 3 years ago.

Can he give you this woman’s phone number so you can ask her what happened from her side?

Best wishes OP. I don’t know how you could ever trust him again. It would have been a different story if he’d told you at the time.

I would agree with AdultierAdult - too many here ready to speculate and second guess on your behalf which is fairly toxic. You need time and support and love from those around you to work through what this revelation means for you, and your family.
Huge hug and large 🍷from me. You're in shock. Take your time.

I will be suffering the indignity and embarrassment of a STD test next week

You don't need to decide a single thing right now.

Let it sink in.

Give yourself time. Don't hurry to return things to normality or make promises.

Don't let his claims about his mental health make you overlook what has happened or his pain become the focus.

You should probably see if you can talk it through with a counsellor on your own, and obviously he needs to seek help if he's genuine about his MH. You could also attend relationship counselling together.

It isn't the case that you have to decide right now that you're going to make it work, or forgive, or end it. Give yourself a chance to work through your emotions.

sorry i thin its bull they dont just confess for no reason or even the suicide reason

he was either going to be outed or thits not thr whole truth

and with a work collegaue it waqs just once seeing he every day?

My dad cheated on my mum. Not. A one night stand but months long affair. She considered carrying on for us but couldn't and left, found a wonderful man who I called dad and moved on.

My auntie (married to my dad's brother) found out that her husband had been cheating on her the same time. This was a more one stand type thing although she knew the women. She told him if he ever did it again he would lose anything, and 25 years later they remain happily married, although she admits for a couple of years it was rocky.

Noone can tell you what to do. Ultimately you have to work out whether you can forgive and trust him.

I'd be keen to know who this women was, if you know her and why he didn't tell you when she was initially pursuing him.

Are you happy it was a one time thing? Why didn't he tell you? Why has he oonly told you now?

Do you trust that he wouldn't do it again?

If you can answer all that, or are happy without and think you can move on then you may be able to. I would recommend couples counselling and sounds like he needs help.

I could forgive a drunken one night stand.
I couldn't forgive the emotional manipulation and blackmail. Fuck that.
You're in shock now so don't put pressure on yourself to make any decisions. Just take it one day at a time. Hours if necessary. I'm sorry for your pain

@sal1223

I will be suffering the indignity and embarrassment of a STD test next week

Its not embarrassing or undiginfied. Its not the nicest thing ever, granted, but it aint that bad. Your clinicians do this every single day, your undercarriage is to them what an engine is to a mechanic.

If you want something to take your mind off it, I had to take my grandfather to the GUM clinic once. The looks we got :o

He had a chronic urinary issue and had to attend once a month, every time we went (with my baby, his great grand daughter) it would be full of young people all obviously assuming he was my baby's father, I was 24, he was well into his 70's. It used to give us the giggles when we were there, which probably made it worse. The nurses copped on and used to come and say hello to DD and ask how "we" were getting on :o

You must do whatever you want to do.

You will get people saying you should chuck him out, saying they would and sadly some people who have said that have not followed through when their husbands cheated.

Be sure of your decision and make it. You don't have to listen to anyone else and you owe no one but yourself a justification for your action. Whatever you decide today doesn't have to be forever so don't be afraid.

Not every person who says they have thought about suicide is manipulating one. Only you know whether he would really try to end his life.

You owe no one on here anything. Posters scream leave, he's a bastard, you can't trust him, etc etc etc but if you listen and leave, where are they in six months time, three years time, when you are heartbroken and still missing him and regretting leaving? Gone, living their own lives and can't even remember your name.

Take care of yourself.

Do you think he wants to end the relationship so is trying to put you into a position where you will do it instead of him?

I’d be very sceptical about his confession, after 3 years most unfaithful men would be breathing a sigh of relief that they had got away with it , not confessing .

Ive confessed to something similar in the past and it's because I wanted out.

Infidelity forums are full of Unfaithful spouses who resent their partners for giving them another chance. They resent the questions, the counselling and their spouses tears. The contempt they have for their spouses for not ending things is obvious.

We see the effects of that contempt regularly on here. There's endless posts about women desperately trying to forgive their cheating spouse while the cheater treats them like shit.

Most of these people want out.

I’m so sorry this has happened. Everything you feel now is normal, and how you feel now will be different to how you feel next week, next month, next year. There are many many ladies here who have been through this and can offer brilliant advise. I know when it happened to me, I felt as if I’d been hit by a bus. The man I thought I knew and loved had gone and how had I not noticed?

He will be desperately trying to play the role of perfect husband and father now, but give him no promises on your future. You need to think and take time.

I would also question his timing and why.. there could well be more to this, there may not be, but you need to know the full story. Xx

I won’t tell you what to do with your marriage but me personally, I wouldn’t end it. You’ve had a seventeen years of marriage and I wouldn’t throw it away for an hour. I imagine there was no emotional connection and he hasn’t done it again... maybe this has come to light because of the pandemic?

Mmm he's nicely slipped into the victim seat there hasn't he with the "I've sat on the bridge" info so now it's poor him rather than poor you, look what he did to you. Unfortunately inthink you wouldn't be hearing this info if he wasn't feeling so much guilt. Is there a possibility she has been black mailing him? It seems strange to just suddenly tell you now xx

I sympathise, OP. I can only say that I’ve had a cheating partner and I’ve had a very dear friend who killed himself, and that death hurt me and others infinitely more than being cheated or dumped. So I’m glad your H didn’t do that.
I wouldn’t end 17 years of a decent marriage because of one stupid drunken fumble. I hope it was just one. Good luck.

My husband cheated on me. I did forgive him. I was horrendously hurt and angry, and in the end we did break up but it wasn’t over that. It took a few years but I did get over it. Now I don’t even think about it.

A friend of mine lost her dad to suicide. He had been cheating on her Mum and when it was all about to come out he killed himself. If he’s feeling that low he did the right thing in telling you honestly. Now you can deal with it.

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

My husband cheated on me. I did forgive him. I was horrendously hurt and angry, and in the end we did break up but it wasn’t over that. It took a few years but I did get over it. Now I don’t even think about it.

A friend of mine lost her dad to suicide. He had been cheating on her Mum and when it was all about to come out he killed himself. If he’s feeling that low he did the right thing in telling you honestly. Now you can deal with it.

Joining in her husband's emotional blackmail I see.