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AIBU?

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Original poster

To even consider giving husband second chance

999 replies

sal1223 · 19/02/2021 19:48

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 11:24

I still care about him - I can't help it . I know he's with a family member which has made me feel a bit better

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 11:25

And before I get flamed yes I know I shouldn't care - I'm just being honest . I'm worried about him , I'm worried about his job and I'm worried about my kids who absolutely adore him

OP posts:
Totallyrandomname · 12/05/2021 11:26

Wow. Just read through all your posts. Sounds like you’ve had a really difficult few months.

Seems though that this might be your Rock bottom. As awful as it feels now, him leaving means that things can really start moving forward.

Reading through your posts it seems like you’ve been stuck in a no mans land for a few months of thinking he was trying when he wasn’t. His contacting the other woman again really should be the nail in the coffin. I do wonder if given some time you’ll find they end up together.

His mental health isn’t your responsibility. Let his family know and the police if you think he is going to harm himself. Then step away. Focus on you.

Thoughts are with you op. You sound like a strong woman who will survive this and come out the other side.

Totallyrandomname · 12/05/2021 11:27

@sal1223

And before I get flamed yes I know I shouldn't care - I'm just being honest . I'm worried about him , I'm worried about his job and I'm worried about my kids who absolutely adore him
Course you are ok. It’ll be hard knowing how to explain things to the children.
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 11:28

He says he can't imagine a life without me and the kids and that he's broken - he's been left in limbo by me recently really not knowing if I want him or not - that's got to be detrimental to someone's mental health not knowing where you stand - I've been up and down and told him I don't know how I feel one day to the next - he's acted in desperation if you look at it a different way . I don't know I know I sound mental now

OP posts:
me4real · 12/05/2021 11:30

He's full of manipulative bollox @sal1223 . You can call the police by the way- they can locate the person via their phone (I have been in a similar sitation with a friend threatening to harm himself and the police did this.) Call his bluff- he's saying this stuff to manipulate you, or he may make some minor fake 'suicidal' gesture, or claim he has, deliberately designed not to cause much harm, to further manipulate you.

He was/is in love with OW/had a real fling maybe. His trying to ring her, saying it's because you're not acting the way he wants, is another way of trying to manipulate you.

He's really not a good man or husband, please don't have him back again at all.

loopylindi · 12/05/2021 11:31

my DH 'fell in love' with a colleague. No sex involved beyond kissing and hugging ( I believe that) He too, was crying as he told me. I was gutted but when he asked me what he should do I told him that it was for him to decide. To be honest I was kinda hoping he would leave, at least to make him see what he was losing - but he didn't. To begin with everything was OK but now were are retired I can't help wondering what life would have been like. We have no sex life and living together is amicable if somewhat boring as I now have health issues which make persuing independent activities difficult. I thought it would be like this but hoped it wouldn't. Does that make sense.

bigbaggyeyes · 12/05/2021 11:32

This is NOT your fault op. He's down this all to himself.

You are allowed to take time to decide what to do, you're allowed to leave him in limbo whilst you make up your mind. Do not let him lay the blame for his mental health at your feet.

He made his choice, a choice to sleep with another woman, a choice not to try and rebuilt the relationship and a choice to contact the ow again. This is why he's suffering at the moment, not because you took a few months to come to terms with his choices. He put YOU in this situation not the other way round

ForwardRanger · 12/05/2021 11:35

It's ok OP, you don't have to justify your feelings. It is not easy or straightforward to navigate something so complex and deeply painful.

Just keep moving... get up each morning, do what has to be done and more importantly, take care of yourself in all respects - nutrition, sleep, space, contact with people who love you.

You're in the thick of it but you will get through. Don't be afraid to ask police or crisis teams for help, this is exactly a situation they can help with.

If you need your husband both commit to helping yourselves and treating each other with civility, you will get through.

Totallyrandomname · 12/05/2021 11:35

@sal1223

He says he can't imagine a life without me and the kids and that he's broken - he's been left in limbo by me recently really not knowing if I want him or not - that's got to be detrimental to someone's mental health not knowing where you stand - I've been up and down and told him I don't know how I feel one day to the next - he's acted in desperation if you look at it a different way . I don't know I know I sound mental now
You Don’t sound mental. You sound like he’s manipulated you into blaming yourself and made himself the victim.

Probables is lots of men have used “ill kill myself” as a way of controlling a situation. I’m not saying that is the case here, just that it seems like it might be.

Logically you probably
Know what to do. It’s harder to manage decision where emotions are involved though.

ForwardRanger · 12/05/2021 11:36

*and your husband (not need)

IND1A · 12/05/2021 11:37

It’s ok to care about him and be worried about your kids. Of course you are!

But you are going to have to live with these uncomfortable feelings as there’s nothing that you can or should do.

He’s a grown man with a car, job, income and family support. He also apparently has OW to talk to. I assume he has other friends and colleagues.

He can contact his GP, any police station or hospital and ask for help if he’s suicidal. There are helpline.

He can stay with his family.

He’s chosen NOT to do any of these things . He choses to phone you and threaten you and the children because you are not doing what he wants.

He’s very very angry at you having boundaries and opinions. He is trying to punish you for this.

You cannot fix him. You have a big enough job to deal with your own feelings and care for your children.

GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 11:37

no op none of this is your fault he knew it would take tim he couldnt expect yout o forgt and be back to normal in 3 months just because he felt better unloading on you

please stop listening to him and believing it wa shard for him it wasnt

GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 11:39

he acted in desparaton to what-he called the ow woman again which was one of the rules not to break this marriage-he done this all himself

Dsisproblem · 12/05/2021 11:41

I was just typing something, but I deleted it because what @IND1A said sums it up nicely

loopylindi · 12/05/2021 11:41

I've just read through what I posted . It didn't seem to occur to him that I wasn't begging him to stay, and that there might be a reason for that. He'd said to his lady friend that he wanted her, she didn't want to leave her hubby though so that left him with me. I should have turfed him out! We have never talked about it since (over 16yrs ago now). He has become more selfish as time has gone on, but he thinks I have become more needy. Is it reasonable to have to sit all day in a house with someone who can't talk 'because it interferes with his thought processes' He's a writer!!

Giantrooster · 12/05/2021 11:45

Please op, I know there are deep feelings involved for you. But rarely have i seen such manipulative behavior described. It's all him him him, his feelings and up to you to solve it and when you work hard at coming to terms with it, you to blame. (He is like a dog laying on his back being submissive then biting when you say he is forgiven).

And his running back contacting ow when he feels hard done by is so so selfish. It's all about him and his feelings, isn't it?

I wonder if your dm has seen this dynamic for much too long and that's why she is upset? Perhaps think about it, we don't know you but your dm does.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but now you need to stand up for yourself, you're the only one who can get your family off this roller coaster Thanks.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/05/2021 11:46

Please tell friends and family what has happened, take whatever support they can give for you and the DC

Thoroughly agree with this; online help's all very well, but OP's going to need RL support from those who love her if she's to get through this

I understand the reluctance, because that makes it "real" and the family may well suggest she leaves him, but something's got to change since he's not going to - especially as he's now staying with his own family and no doubt painting OP as the abuser

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 11:47

He's not been pleading with me to give him another chance or asked to come home which I quite telling I suppose

OP posts:
Kit19 · 12/05/2021 11:50

[quote Ladybirdkiss]@sal1223 please stop speaking to him. He’s a grown man. He’s massively betrayed you. Now he’s playing the woe is me guilt card. Find your anger for you and your dc and stop pandering to him and listening to his act.[/quote]
this!!

he's an adult, this is all his doing and he's still continuing to take no responsibility for it, make himself the victim and blame it all on you

stop replying to him - he will not do a single thing except send you more angry texts wondering why you're not dancing to his tune

enough

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 11:52

I know - and I feel pathetic

OP posts:
Giantrooster · 12/05/2021 11:55

@sal1223

He's not been pleading with me to give him another chance or asked to come home which I quite telling I suppose

It could be because he is not that invested. But most likely it's because he knows how to play you, he is a master of pushing your buttons op.

Totallyrandomname · 12/05/2021 11:55

@sal1223

He's not been pleading with me to give him another chance or asked to come home which I quite telling I suppose
It really is telling op. I suspect he’s setting up the situation to be able to leave but with saving face.
RUOKHon · 12/05/2021 11:56

It’s a well-known tactic of emotional abusers.

This sounds awful, but people who genuinely want to commit suicide do so without telling anyone.

me4real · 12/05/2021 12:04

This sounds awful, but people who genuinely want to commit suicide do so without telling anyone.

@RUOKHon That's actually a myth. Usually people tell someone how they're feeling. If someone says they want to harm themselves, in theory it should be taken very seriously always.

@sal1223 You could still call the police just in case, they will easily find his location.

I don't personally believe him, though.

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