To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

Often, they tell you because they think someone else might be about to.
Often, they minimise - a drunken shag turns out to be a long affair.
Don't be too keen to see the best in him. Be cynical.

3 years ago. I’d be really hurt he didn’t tell me when he got home from doing it.
He’d still be gone though either way

I too question his motives in telling you now. If he was so eaten up with guilt he could have seen a counsellor to deal with it confidentially, without involving you. He didn't. He chose to move the issue on to your shoulders and, to keep it there, added in the suicide statement. After all if you push him hard now, after his confessed suicidal thoughts, then you're the bad one - not him, the cheater and destroyer of trust.

If you don't get over it quickly, then you'll be the bad one who keeps bringing it up and not moving on. Why do you keep bringing up something that makes me feel suicidal? He's effectively gagging you.

he's very surprised I've not kicked him out and says he doesn't deserve my forgiveness

How is it that he feels guilty about cheating but doesn't feel guilty about the consequences of his cheating? Those consequences are awful for you and could be a divorce and negative consequences for your dc. Does he not feel guilty about that? Or is he simply surprised.

Everyone will tell you it's your choice whether to forgive a cheater, and it is. But first you must be absolutely positive that they want to be forgiven because often they DO NOT really want that.And they will not be honest about it.

Then you need to understand what you are forgiving. I note you've decided this was a one night stand with no emotional connection and I think you're mistaken. They obviously had some sort of relationship/ friendship and as we all know, a lot happens before people jump into bed together.

Your husband has not told you out of guilt. If he had, he would have set up some counselling for you both prior to telling you and he would've made sure you had support and help with the children.

And I don't believe a word of this bridge business. Has he seen his gp, got medication or counselling? Of course he hasn't.

A close friend of mine who had an affair whilst married (not with me!) and eventually divorced gave me some heartfelt advice. The first time he lied to his wife was excruciating but from thereafter it got easier, and almost second nature. That has always stuck with me. If my DH ever wanted to confess to anything like that he would be out, no question. Could not be in a relationship with someone who lied to me with ease.

@Nearlythere1 people do kill themselves over things like this. It happened to someone I know and that’s why I mentioned it. When I found out about my husband my friend told me her mum wished she had known about her dad, so that they could have dealt with it as a family.

If she wants to leave him that’s totally reasonable and up to her, but always better to live with your eyes wide open.

The amount of people that kill themselves from cheating on their wives versus the ones that don’t.
Love to see that stat

He has quite cleverly laid the groundwork with his manipulative behaviour. How can you possible leave him now knowing he may throw himself off a bridge if you do?

I would forgive a ONS far more easily than the selfish and manipulative behaviour wrapped up in his 'confession' OP.

I wouldn't destroy a long marriage over this. I think it was shitty of him to offload on you that's for sure and you need to give him hell over this.
I think its unrealistic to expect two people to stay faithful their whole lives, forever and ever.
Doesn't mean he gets off scott free, the marriage will only continue on your terms if it does continue.

Your husband has not told you out of guilt. If he had, he would have set up some counselling for you both prior to telling you and he would've made sure you had support and help with the children.

I'd love to meet the guy who has EVER done this.

You can't throw 17 years of marriage away for one stupid fuck. But it was very selfish - and stupid - of him to have told you.

The real question for me would be would I end my marriage for 3 years of my husband lying to me?

He's lied to you for 3 years. Your marriage was a sham for 3 years.

He's not the person you thought he was. You're not throwing away a good marriage. You haven't had one.

He'll do it again. Or it's been more than one night. He's told you who he is - see him
.

I think that sometimes people co bad things, which they afterwards claim were mistakes.
I don’t believe they were ‘mistakes’, as being blind drunk, or being pursued by someone aren’t sufficient reasons for hopping into bed with someone else. And no blind drunk man I’ve known has ever managed to get it up.

I do believe that some people become consumed by guilt for their stupidity and rightly or wrongly, infests to their partner. There have been many, many threads on MN where posters have asked if they should confess their infidelities... and there’s always a split between those who say yes, it’s the the only way forward as it’s not fair on the partner otherwise, and those who say that. Telling the OH what you did is simply passing on the monkey to an innocent party.

Only you can decide whether you want the relationship to survive and recover from this devastating blow. I would suggest that taking as much time as you need to think about things is wise, now. Don’t be pressured into any hasty decisions. If he is at all sincere he will respect this.

His ‘I was drunk, she pursued me’ line is rather pathetic. No one put a gun to his head. He is guilty of trying to shift the blame, and I think your shoold not forget this when you are contemplating your next steps. The suicide suggestions are also rather ‘on the script’ and make me wonder if he is trying to absolve himself of the responsibility of dealing sensibly with the repercussions of his actions. It’s all rather ‘alas, poor me!’

I could never ever trust him again. The woman pursued him what a load of crap.

Apologies for the typos in my post. I hope you get my drift! I can’t see a thing on this phone screen!

I doubt you have the full story tbh. My good friends husband fessed up to an affair last year basically once it got to a point that she was about to find out. It started as a 1 drunken night, then after a few weeks of talking and investigating it turned out to be a lot more than 1 drunken night. Your DH has kindly unburdened himself on you so I'm sure he is feeling better, but you're certainly not. I wouldn't be okay with the 3 years worth of lying and I wouldn't believe it was 1 drunk night only either.

I’d be worried he was trying to manipulate me with the bridge story. And that he was offloading guilt and forcing you to stay with him with the talk of taking his own life. Ergo he feels better and you’re shouldering the brunt but unable to leave.

For me the marriage would have ended the moment he put his dick in someone else, someone he knew and worked with. Someone who knew he was married.

I’m sorry if that’s a bit harsh.

I'm with the more cynical on this. Perhaps this has been severely affecting his mental health for three years, only you can make any kind of judgment on that, and even then you're not in his head. It's also possible that other pressures in his life or general depression have blown this up in his mind.

But I also wouldn't be surprised if this is his strategy for damage control because something is about to come out or has been threatening to. Men nearly always minimize in these situations. I'm not saying that a one night stand with a sexually aggressive woman is really a three year affair that just ended messily and he's terrified that she might try to contact you so this is step one in making her look unhinged when she does... But it's one possibility.

Did you ask to see his phone/computer?

I have to agree that he is following the script.... minimize and shift the blame.

So "it" was 3 years ago, he was drunk, it was her fault.

There will almost certainly be more to this. I am so sorry. This shit is why I will never trust a man again because I have been the wife that got cheated on too many times.

The only men who dont cheat are the ones who have no one to cheat with.

It's very early days yet (actually, pretty much day One). You have no idea at this point which way this will go. Give yourself some time to process.

That STD test should not be an embarrassment to you. To him, maybe, but not to you. And I should think that, if this really happened 3 years ago, you would have had some sign of an STD by now.

No matter what you choose to do in the end, I would hope that you can get some sort of counseling about this. It really does help. In fact, as some point, you should both have counseling as a couple.

Only you can decide what you want to do. You’ve only just been told and you must feel utterly awful. Give yourself time. The fact that he is sorry and feels guilty is good. I’ve been where you are and I stayed. Everyone is different. Take each day at a time.

Has he banged any other women in the past two decades, or just this one who was ‘special’ enough for him to choose to break his family and wedding vows for? You’ll never know the true answer to that, as he’s a proven liar. His choices mean that the marriage you had (past tense) is gone, you have to choose whether you want that man as he does a huge amount of work, over a period of years, to change who he is, and ensure he will not adulter again, and choose whether or not that’s acceptable to you, and if you actually like him as a person. The threats of jumping off a bridge scream of emotional manipulation, adulterers often follow this script, I’d put a stop to that shit, tell him to call an ambulance next time he brings it up.

Please don’t take too much notice of of all the advice on here. People will always say it’s bound to worse than it is etc. Only you know your dh-none of us do. Trust your instincts.

I have been cheated on and I have cheated. It is never black and white. It does not mean you do not love your partner or they do not love you. Life is not black and white. Relationships are not perfect because people are not perfect and make mistakes. You need to work out together what lead to this and if you can move past it.