To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

@Tankflybosswalkjam

I have 3 with SEN, the paperwork is ginormous. But, once it’s done, it’s done.

You’ve had loads of advice on this thread, about the practical stuff, so I won’t repeat it. But I say this with absolute confidence : you and your partner will split up, so you may as well take control of that sooner rather than later. My ex is undiagnosed ASD, he is not a bad person but is utterly incapable of seeing the consequences of his actions or stepping up to the mark. The relief of his leaving is palpable.

You have described him to a tee.

I have given so much leeway over the years on account of him not being NT (I've suspected for a long time that something was different about him but didn't know enough about ASD to be sure, until this past year)

I've let things slide and forgiven things over the years that were probably marching orders territory in everybody else's world.

It is SO hard, because he will be hurt and bewildered. But simultaneously unable to fulfill his role, leaving you with an unbearable burden.

I was consumed by guilt for a long time because I though that if I rejected him because of the behaviour which is rooted in autism, then what did that say about me as a mother to children with the same condition?

I squared it though with the stark realisation that I couldn’t have my children thinking that what their Dad was doing (his overwhelming special interests, his unilateral decision making etc) was an acceptable way to treat ANYONE let alone the mother of his children and his life partner.

@Tankflybosswalkjam

It is SO hard, because he will be hurt and bewildered. But simultaneously unable to fulfill his role, leaving you with an unbearable burden.

I was consumed by guilt for a long time because I though that if I rejected him because of the behaviour which is rooted in autism, then what did that say about me as a mother to children with the same condition?

I squared it though with the stark realisation that I couldn’t have my children thinking that what their Dad was doing (his overwhelming special interests, his unilateral decision making etc) was an acceptable way to treat ANYONE let alone the mother of his children and his life partner.

Spot on again.

I had a conversation with him last night about how things were looking for the future and raised the fact that me and our two may have to go forward on our own because I refuse to continue living like this and depriving them of a proper home.

Suddenly he has gone from refusing to move from the immediate area to considering anything up to 100 miles away - which wouldn't work for the DSC so isn't even a viable option.

I don't believe he is genuinely considering that, it's just a stalling tactic because he can feel us drifting apart as my priorities change.

I'm 80% sure we're going to split up.

To add to my last post, the 100 miles comment was in reference to moving further afield where you get more space for your money.

Even if he was serious I couldn't live with that on my conscience, him being so far away from DSC.

I've done alot of thinking and it's better for everybody if I just concentrate on me and my two.

Suddenly he has gone from refusing to move from the immediate area

Yep, mine did the same. I was desperate to move for all sorts of reasons and he made every possible excuse which I now know actually meant “I just don’t want to.” And yet now he’s gone, he’s living an hour away. And to hell with the fact that it’s made child contact really difficult, that isn’t something which worries him and is therefore irrelevant. He can only only only consider his own needs. He adores the children. But his needs come first by mikes and yet he has no insight into that AT ALL.

You know, life is about to get a LOT LOT better for you. The hardest bit is making the decision.

OP you're seeing everything very clearly now ... everything he says is deflection...

Im glad you are aware and making plans 🌺

Suddenly he has gone from refusing to move from the immediate area to considering anything up to 100 miles away - which wouldn't work for the DSC so isn't even a viable option.

Be prepared to find out that he would be willing to move that far.

Lots of men are happy to cut their contact with their children to the bare minimum, or even cut it totally, if it means they keep their relationship because their priority is themselves.

It would be better for him to have you there every day, and in the holidays helping with his children, than it would be for him to go it alone. He may very well turn out to be one of the guys who focuses on no1 first.

Have you someone to talk to in real life OP?

Hello all

So I heard back from the disability team in SS, not very productive. They said legally I'm entitled to an assessment as DS has a diagnosis but she was honest with me and said it's very unlikely we would be approved based on his age and also because our primary need is housing it's not really their remit.

But today I got a call from a lovely day within the MASH team who said the disability team passed my referral over to her to call me and ask if I'd like support from the "early help" team.

She sounded alot more positive about the possibility of help with housing so I gave my consent for an assessment and I'll have a preliminary phone call within 5 days for them to take all my info and find out what areas I need support with.

She said they have allocated people who liase with the council and even solicitors who work on their behalf for housing.

I'll update when they've been in touch.

Fingers crossed, OP.

late to the thread, and i can see you've already had some fabulous advice.

So i guess just another SEN parent posting to give you some support, understanding and solidarity.

My DS has ASD/ADHD/SPD and a whole crap load of other co-morbids and at 3 i was in the same situation as you, only i had a newborn to contend with, and my stepdaughter was at least NT and helpful when she visited (Being 12+)

However, ExH wasn't helpful, didn't support and i felt very trapped at home, didnt get any sleep and ended up with PND.

Filling out the DLA forms will break your heart, its horrible, we get so used to how they are day to day, it becomes normal to us to cope with that, and putting it all out there on the DLA form is very stark, but its absolutely 100% worth doing, the help it will provide financially with tax credits and carers allowance is immense.

I ended up leaving my marriage with ExH, he is very likely also on the spectrum and was emotionally abusive and controlling.. we co-parent better apart, and i get 'respite' every other weekend when they go to visit him.

I really think you need to discuss with your DP, if you dont separate,about adjusting his contact time so you get his kids on alternate weekends, this isn't working for you, and its NOT working for your DS, and protecting him and his mental health and wellbeing needs to be your priority.

I am at least blessed with having space that if we have visitors, DS has a 'safe space' and i decked his room out with all his sensory equipment and people know to leave him alone, Step kids or not, i dont think i could allow someone into my space that constantly upsets or distresses him, this is his home and his safe space and i think you need to have that discussion with your DP, especially if his DS is so reluctant to come.. it can't be good for either of them!

Oh well done for referring yourself . I know you were worried about asking for help, but the load you carry is so heavy. It sounds like the Early Help worker is going to help. Sometimes just taking some steps is enough to help us feel that life won’t be shit for ever and ever.

Fingers crossed I'm thinking of you x

great news OP ... the ball is rolling 🌺

Well done, OP. Just remember that if this avenue doesn't work out the way you'd hoped then there will be another. I have so many forms of support on the go at any one time that there's usually one working out ok somewhere!

My top tip would be do your research on what you're entitled to (be it carers assessment, DLA, whatever - the charities I mentioned in my previous post are great for this) and make sure you know what you want from each 'site' you tap for support. You might not get it, but if you know your entitlement then you can keep plugging away until you get there.