To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup I so get you 🙁

I have put off filing DLA forms for all the reasons stated above and a couple of years down the line I regret not having it done sooner.

You have to put the worst scenario in the papers. It’s heartbreaking. Have you got any HV or social worker that would be able to help you with the paperwork?Mine were a huge help as not only they have experience and were able to help me but also put their contact in the form so it was verified very quickly.

Leave your OH with the kids even for an hour.Go somewhere peaceful if you can,point out that not only he doesn’t help but puts additional responsibilities on you which is massively unfair.

Hugs to you((())) it’s hard with ASD child when there is no help 🙁

Definitely phone social care, do it now as it can take a while to get things moving from initial assessment. Google to find out how to contact your LA, some have a ‘front door’ number or social care direct number. Tell them how you are struggling, about your health, the DCs health and housing and that you need support asap.

Do you think your DH has ASD?

If you are in England you need to contact the Local Authority and ask the to make a EHC needs assessment of your son Link here This will identify the support your child needs to access an education to meet his needs.
Tbf OP the more you write probably the quickest way to lessen the demands on you is to get shut of your dp. I'm single mum to ds and dd both with autism and life is much easier now I'm not carrying exh as well.

Now you have a confirmation of your little ones Autism, you could apply for an EHCP to get funding for extra help at nursery and it will carry on to school, and a Special school place.

Applying for DLA is a walk in the park compared to applying for an EHCP but the sooner you start the process , the better.

They will turn you down first of all - it is a money saving exercise, but fight it and usually they then change their mind !

I started my DD's in nursery, so if you can get him into another one and talk to the SENDCo they will help you with it, but you can apply yourself.

Again be brutally honest and get letters from any consultant he sees to support the needs he has.

OP, your situation made my blood run cold for the sheer stone wall to any elevation of your plight that your DH represents. How can he not be motivated to act to reduce this pressure on you? So he works a lot, but out of sight out of mind, should apply to that laundry you meant to hang up earlier... not the person you love most in the world! You think a night in a Premier Inn would not as relaxing as you might think because of the worry of how he was getting on... zero likewise reciprocity from your DH. I am incandescent on your behalf. Nobody would be AOK in your position.

I really really hope your replies have been more useful than mine (sorry, I have no practical suggestions) and a lifeline is thrown somehow by someone!

alleviation not elevation!

I remember you OP. I'm sorry it hasn't gotten any better. You need to get you and your children adequately housed. Your DH is useless be it maliciously or not. You need onto the council housing list even if that means moving a good distance away. Having space will be a huge difference. Then you sort nursery and a job for you. You and your children are so far from having your needs met. Start by knowing what you need and going to get it. Never mind your partner. He's really not a partner.

Thank you all, you've given me a boost this afternoon.

I'm going to download a podcast and go for a walk after i've eaten tea. I'm not going to tell him until I'm ready to go then I'm out the door.

I have the contact details for a lady who works within the council who supports parents with DLA forms. I will send her an email now and get the ball rolling. I need to get it done, however emotionally draining it is to sit there and do it.

Do you think your DH has ASD

Yes I do, it became apparent after his second child (my first) was diagnosed with autism. Cue a load of reading on my part and suddenly alot of his ways made sense.

He isn't diagnosed and has no desire to be, so I can't say for certain (but I'm %99 sure)

Contact social services and ask for a carers assessment, no reason to be scared!
You need respite - you do need some time to yourself, especially if your partner doesn't help out!

Is your dc at school? They will have details of respite care, local council will too. I’d start there.
You’re human dealing with life and need a break it’s nothing to feel shit about

Oh, @Pouringfromaveryemptycup, my heart really goes out to you. Your life sounds so tough, and you seem to have no support at all. And I agree with PPs that your DH needs to step up and make sure that you get some respite, even if it's just a couple of hours. It seems really unfair that you're having to struggle with all of this and the person who's benefitting most is DP's ex, who gets respite at the expense of making things tougher for you.

Getting DLA will enable you to claim carer's allowance, and will increase the amount of UC you're entitled to. The extra money might make it easier for you to move to somewhere bigger, or just to buy you some time off now and again.

Your life sounds unbelievably tough.

Rain or not you need to get out for an hour. Leave your OH with all the kids for a bit. Show him that you're at the end of your rope and things need to change.

It's hard enough with one autistic child never mind adding another one into the mix. And I agree they shouldn't be forcing him to come to yours every weekend.

Now you have a confirmation of your little ones Autism, you could apply for an EHCP to get funding for extra help at nursery and it will carry on to school, and a Special school place

When DS was in nursery they were in the process of applying for an EHCP for him. I had to remove him as we we're having too many problems with them, so I have to start the process again. It is high on my list of priorities.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup
It sounds utter HELL.

I think I’d split from partner, just to lessen the sheer amount of noise and stress.

I know a chap with 2 children, his girlfriend had 3, but they know living together would spell the end for their relationship, so each keep to own houses- small- so no kid mixing.
I really sympathise.

Split up and have some blessed peace... as in each have separate home.

An early help team can also help with the EHCP its a shame the nursery didn’t suggest early help when your DC was struggling, anyone can initiate a plan including nursery, health visitor etc.

Would your DS be able to settle in a premier inn with you this weekend?

Sorry to badger you but when you email the woman for help with DLA ask her who she can contact to start an early help plan.

Thank you all so much.

You've really helped me today, with advice and also just giving me a place to talk without judgement.

I'm going to have my tea then go out for a walk. I'll be back later to answer any questions I haven't already

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup
Your partner sounds as if he is using you.
No way should you be under this much intense pressure.
The step kids mum is royally taking the utter piss.

Enjoy your walk, and if you and your DC were alone, it would be far easier on you.

Mothers have snapped under far less pressure than what you are under.

Your DH really needs to step up to the plate and take the kids off your hands one day a week. Like every Saturday morning, so you know you have that to look forward to every week. You are a human being and him doing things grudgingly just isn't good enough

I echo pp saying splitting up would ease your stress. Perhaps a serious conversation with your OH where you lay down some conditions.

If anybody goes to a hotel it'll be me I reckon.

DO it please!

SO glad you are going out for a bit - can you leave the house and text him to say you've gone once your round the corner and out of sight? I'm just worried he will try and get you to stay as he doesn't want to cope alone.

Please do get the hep everyone has advised you is available. SS get a bad rep but they are actually there to help and can be really supportive with paperwork and pulling strings within the Council to get things done quickly.

Hi op

I also think that could help to push your severe bad housing situation ,higher up on the housing/council agenda,
Would be getting in contact with your local community newspaper and telling them how you have badly let down,disappointed by their lack of duty of care towards in regard of your family severe bad housing and how is affecting you and your family health and emotional well being in such a bad way.

You be surprised by doing this,
it will embarrass the housing /council into their arses into gear to sort things in a way for a positive outcome for your family.

As it will reflect badly (look bad) about the lack of concern/care from housing council,

its akin,like
essentially when someone has a bad shitty experience from a well known brand respectable company who should have high standards of service,
Its similar idea when someone tells Facebook,about shit experince and because of well known brand company is embarrassed that the public know that they gave shitty experience/service to members of public,so they feel pressure to do something to make amends to restore public faith in the service.

Gosh I almost choked up reading that, you hit the nail on the head. My friends and I text each other when it's DLA form time. Be assured it IS crap but it is worth it. And it may up any tax credits you get as there's a disability element. And put in for carers.

Do you have a local children's development centre? That's where I met my mom's

@joystir59

I echo pp saying splitting up would ease your stress. Perhaps a serious conversation with your OH where you lay down some conditions.

It really would be best. Step kids often hate each other anyway, and bicker and fight. 5 children is a huge amount to cope with in a small space. Add kids with issues into the equation,and it is like Pouring meths onto an already roaring fire. I feel really angry on Op,s behalf.

Why does the ex have EVERY weekend to herself & you have all the children in a tiny flat without any outdoor space? Your partner is completely unreasonable, you must tell him before you end up having a breakdown. I don’t see why his older son is forced to come to yours, when he has his own things at home

It's no help to OP to blame another woman for her situation. It's not the ex's fault, she is not at all wrong to expect her ex to do at least some parenting of his own children, and she is in no way unreasonable to want a break from her children.
And neither, of course, is OP. But its not like up and leaving him is a magical answer either.