To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

You have to tell them DH to give you a couple of hours break. Immediately. You are drowning. Don't wait for him to offer, that's another issue. It's the putting on your lifejacket before helping others thing.

I am livid for you that the housing situation hasn't changed. As PPs have suggested, try GP for respite and social care for carers assessment. Hopefully that will give you enough brainspace to put your foot down with your 'D'H about the living situation.

Hugs to those of you who can relate about parenting SEN children x

Facilitating childcare is an allowable reason for booking into a hotel atm and lots of Premier Inns are £30/35. Could you, just to get a break, leave your DS with your DH for one night and get a decent night of sleep?

That sounds amazing, honestly. I could do that yes, although I'd struggle to relax for worrying that DH isn't coping with DS. I'll give it some thought.

does he get DLA?

Not yet no. He was diagnosed in December. For reasons I can't really explain I've been putting off doing the forms (which I've had here since before he was diagnosed)

I will apply. He'll get it, without a doubt.

Thank you for the recommendations for his to seek out respite. I don't want to put my area on the thread as it's already a bit outing and I'd be mortified if DSC family saw me saying this, but I'm happy to PM.

OP your problem is and always has been your DH - I remember your last posts and it is always him that is the issue and no one else

I certainly feel that way too at the minute. He wants to move as he doesn't like living in such a small flat, but he isn't prepared to make the sacrifices needed to move further afield where we'd be able to afford what we need. He doesn't have the same sense of urgency as I do as this is just a base for him as he works so much.

Do you work op? If not, don't forget carers too.

Of you're not filling out the forms because it's a fucking shit way to spend a night, listing everything that's wrong when we try so hard to focus on what's right I recommend wine

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

You know the social work runs support groups for parents who have children with special needs, have you called them to ask? My sister went to one and met with other mums and they'd sit and chat, they also have befrienders, though unsure if your child qualifies due to his age but it's defo worth looking into, also they help to get you help with respite as well. They are there to help and right now you probably need it.

Maybe your dh needs to think whether forcing his other child to come to yours every weekend is a good idea. My son would prefer being at home where he’s comfortable. Couldn’t your dh spend time with him during the day? Are they nearby enough?

They live quite close yes, 20-30 min up the road. DSS hates going out anywhere unfortunately so wouldn't agree to a kick about in the park or a bike ride. I agree with you I don't think forcing him to come is the right thing to do.

I’d also go to the GP. Are you under the paediatrician for your son? Could they write letters as well?

I'm on beta blockers from my GP but had a bad experience with SSRI's. DS is under a paediatrican yes, he's next due to see her in 8 weeks but it'll likely be a phone call again. I asked (and received) a supporting letter from her to give to the council and had one from HV too.

Do you work op?

I have (and I use the word 'have' loosely) a part time cleaning job on weekends, but I haven't been able to actually work since November as I'm based in a leisure centre. It's a self employed role so I'm not furloughed nor do I receive, or are entitled to, SSP or anything such like.

I'm currently in receipt of universal credit, which supplements his full time (but quite low) wage.

I used to work full time in a job I was happy in. Alot has changed over the past 2 years.

you're not filling out the forms because it's a fucking shit way to spend a night, listing everything that's wrong when we try so hard to focus on what's right

Gosh I almost choked up reading that, you hit the nail on the head.

You’re not a shit person. You are a human person. And humans have limits of endurance.
I’m glad to read you are considering leaving him. A family unit that’s not working for most members of the family isn’t much of a loss.
You are suffering. You’re children are suffering.
Enough.
Everything should be on the table at this point.

You know the social work runs support groups for parents who have children with special needs, have you called them to ask?

That sounds quite lovely to be honest. I haven't called to ask no. I psyched myself up to reach out to SS (in the hope I'd be allocated to the disability team) but I bottled it in ashamed to say. I will give my head a shake and try to help myself. Thank you (and thank you to everybody else taking the time to reply in kind)

It helps to talk.

They'll be here any minute now and the chaos will begin.

OH and his ex insist he comes though, so OH can spend time with him and she can have a break

Meanwhile, you are run ragged and get no break at all.

Meanwhile, you are run ragged and get no break at all.

One hundred percent this.

It's just not fair is it.

I don't begrudge her a break. I understand the importance of one. I just need the same myself.

It isn't your responsibility to look after your partner's children. Why do so many men just find another woman to dump the child care on? It is possible to have a relationship with a man without moving in together and taking on all his responsibilities. I feel really sorry for you OP. I wouldn't last a day in your situation.

When DH arrives with his DC can you simply walk out and get a break for an hour? I know its not brilliant weather but a takeaway coffee and a walk round the park by yourself might help just a little bit. The more you leave your DH to cope with everything by himself, even if for just a short time, the more he will realise how awful it is for you.

What a bag of shit ! Why does the ex have EVERY weekend to herself & you have all the children in a tiny flat without any outdoor space? Your partner is completely unreasonable, you must tell him before you end up having a breakdown. I don’t see why his older son is forced to come to yours, when he has his own things at home , To be honest you would be better off just you & your own children , you can then try & get as much help as is available & you won’t have so much screaming to contend with & neither will your sons . I wish you the very best of luck ☘️

When DH arrives with his DC can you simply walk out and get a break for an hour

They're here now.

Already it's a mad box house.

I'm very tempted to, the only reservations I have is the fact it's raining and also when DS wakes up from his nap he's going to lose his shit.

He still naps in the afternoon and is usually asleep when they arrive, then he wakes up and realises there are lots of people here and it's noisy and that sets off a meltdown.

Download the Cerebra guide before you start the DLA form it will help enormously. The extra money from that and carers allowance and any disability premiums you might be entitled to will give you options either for respite or alternative accommodation. Social Care can also help with Local Authority housing. I'd suggest your partner books a Premier Inn room this weekend and takes your stepchildren there so as to relieve some pressure.

@Smallonesaremorejuicy

What a bag of shit ! Why does the ex have EVERY weekend to herself & you have all the children in a tiny flat without any outdoor space? Your partner is completely unreasonable, you must tell him before you end up having a breakdown. I don’t see why his older son is forced to come to yours, when he has his own things at home , To be honest you would be better off just you & your own children , you can then try & get as much help as is available & you won’t have so much screaming to contend with & neither will your sons . I wish you the very best of luck ☘️

You have echoed my thoughts exactly.

Sadly I think this spells the end for us as nothing is changing.

He vowed to make changes to his contact to take the strain off for me and DS. He didn't do that. He appears to be waiting for a miracle to happen for us to get another house.

Thank you to you and others for highlighting the fact that my situation is absolutely ridiculous. I really needed to hear that from an unbiased group of people.

Look OP I feel for you but its time for some tough love as you need to go into self protection mode before you break. Ditch your idiot partner who wants to give his ex a weekly break and but wouldn't go out with the support of a carer to give you a break for even a couple of hours whilst adding his dc to your workload. Fuck that. Stop putting off getting support for your family. You're being a bit of a martyr here and need to explore with yourself why? What are you worried about? Apply for DLA, reach out to your local children's services department, find local support charities and groups and get some bloody respite. Bite the bullet and get the ball rolling next week before you have a breakdown.

You really need to contact social services and they can assess and offer services, it would likely be early help. They can gather a team to support you who can help with your own care, housing, claiming DLA, nursery places, respite and any other help you need. They can even help you separate if you wish.

Can your DH not do the DLA form and is your DS in nursery at all?

@hiredandsqueak

Download the Cerebra guide before you start the DLA form it will help enormously. The extra money from that and carers allowance and any disability premiums you might be entitled to will give you options either for respite or alternative accommodation. Social Care can also help with Local Authority housing. I'd suggest your partner books a Premier Inn room this weekend and takes your stepchildren there so as to relieve some pressure.

Thank you for the suggestion hired, I do plan to use the Cerebra guide when I do the forms. I will push myself to sit down and do them on Monday when the children have gone.

I'd suggest your partner books a Premier Inn room this weekend and takes your stepchildren there so as to relieve some pressure.

As wonderful as that would be, I don't think there's any chance of it happening this weekend.

If anybody goes to a hotel it'll be me I reckon.

I'm not sure how his ex would take it if I were to banish DSC to a hotel. We don't have any contact at all due to past arguments (his doing, as is normally the case)

You are absolutely not a shit person or overreacting. You're not crazy or wrong to be at breaking point.

@blackcat86

Look OP I feel for you but its time for some tough love as you need to go into self protection mode before you break. Ditch your idiot partner who wants to give his ex a weekly break and but wouldn't go out with the support of a carer to give you a break for even a couple of hours whilst adding his dc to your workload. Fuck that. Stop putting off getting support for your family. You're being a bit of a martyr here and need to explore with yourself why? What are you worried about? Apply for DLA, reach out to your local children's services department, find local support charities and groups and get some bloody respite. Bite the bullet and get the ball rolling next week before you have a breakdown.

I can't argue with that really. You have several points there.

I don't actually have any family of my own that could help with any of the practical problems I have, but I will push myself to look for that from services. Thank you

Hi op

I totally get understand why you feel so stressed out,cry out desperately for support.

First time i have seen your Post thread.

I think you really need to Contact your local MP in your area either by email or by appointment at their office locally.

Explain how your current housing situation is affecting you and your family/how bad it really is living under those Circumstances.

You can find out about Contact details about your Local MP,either by going on Google on internet,

Or by writing a letter and Posting this Letter at MP Local office.

Or

Asking your Council hub place for this kind of information by ringing them up.

Can your DH not do the DLA form and is your DS in nursery at all?

No chance of that happening, he despises forms (he struggles with them) so all of the admin falls to me.

DS was in nursery but I had to pull him out due to constant issues, there were alot of them and his needs weren't being met. I'm trying to find somewhere else locally that can accommodate his needs.

I think you really need to Contact your local MP in your area either by email or by appointment at their office locally. Explain how your current housing situation is affecting you and your family/how bad it really is living under those Circumstances

That is also a good idea, thank you.

The council were as useful as a chocolate fireguard when with supporting letters but if people think contacting our local MP will help I'm definitely going to do that.

Make sure you fill in the paperwork for DLA, I put it off for ages then thought about what my DD might be missing out on.

I filled it out and got a response in a couple of weeks with an award for her, I then did the carers allowance and got that too, so please do the forms it is a pain and it seems the questions are trying to catch you out.

Be completely honest and put everything down and the more supporting letters/reports you have the better.

One piece of advice I would give you is take copies of everything you send as you will have to fill in the same form again, I think after a year and to have what you wrote the first time makes it easier and quicker to fill in. I also paid the additional postage to send it special delivery as I had heard horror stories of the paperwork going missing.

Please try and get across to your DH how hard this is on you, I don't think they realise as they are out all day and do not have the 24hr a day load that you are coping with.

I would have to have a rethink if I was in your position and I was not getting the support from my DH.

I wouldn’t try to deal with the whole big situation until you’ve had a break to give you headspace. Go out for at least two hours every weekend and leave him home with them. Right now you could get a hotel room or you could put on an audiobook and loads of clothes and go for a long walk somewhere nice (a woods or a beach). Do this every weekend, make it a routine. If your dh really can’t or won’t cope with all the kids for two hours then the arrangement of you living together just isn’t tenable and you already have your answer.