To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

Start by keeping a day by day dairy - it can help with the forms

Op
Do not feel guilty about having getting paying for extra help,support to help make life easier,better for yourself and your family,
such as professional cleaner etc.

Its surprising how popular this kind of service really is op.

Plus the bonus is by you having this kind of service you,
are helping a professional cleaner an her family (to keep a roof over her head,pay her bills and
keep her businesses) viable especially at extremely difficult times for business to stay sustainable.

Op
Having extra help,even paying for extra help
Its a win win kind of thing.

Its creating a good positive circle,outcomes for both parties.

By doing this,
You are essentially helping /supporting each other.

No person is a island

Everybody needs support in some way in their lives .😕

DLA forms - write a diary sheet of this weekend as it happens. Exactly what you do for your boy, and if you can what you think he would do / what harm he would do e to if you didn't intervene. Using what sounds to be a chaotic weekend will give you a good basis to write your DLA form. They are horrific - there is no denying. But an extra £50-110 a week for him, plus a £67 a week carers for you will make alot of difference!

Also get in contact with shelter charity organisation.

Its usually connected with the Citzens advice bureau office.

to find out about having a good support worker who will help you on your family behalf,
Find much better ,suitable housing as a urgent priority.

I had this kind of support help myself.

Op
You can find out about Shelter charity either through Citzens advice bureau agency or just shelter charity.

You can find both contact tel numbers on the internet.

Nothing much to add to the advice above but just to suggest that you get in touch with your local branch of Contact - charity for families with disabled children.

They offer various kinds of advice, booklets about things like nursery places and EHCPs but also a helpline, online chat and coffee mornings (virtual at the moment) if you ever want to just unload.

Hi all, I'm back home now and catching up with the replies. Thank you all for being so kind and offering me good advice.

I have a to do list which I'm going to work my way through starting from Monday. The first two pertinent things which I'm going to commit to are doing the DLA forms and Contacting social care to ask for a carers assessment/whatever support they can give.

I've sent the lady based at the council an email asking for help with the forms, I was signposted to her from the nursery before be left.

It's like a mad house in here. His eldest two are playfighting in the middle of the small living area, launching each other off a beanbag. He isn't doing anything apart from an occasional "oi, calm down, watch the table"

One of them has just swung the bean bag over my laptop.

They're just being typical boisterous kids really but I just don't have the space for it.

I've observed since lockdown that be doesn't actually do anything with them when they come. They're either on their tablets, the xbox or playfighting under my feet. It's not quality time is it? I almost wonder what's the point of causing all of this stress for him to just sit there looking at them and occasionally redirecting dangerous behaviour.

For those who asked but didn't have time to RTFT, DS isn't currently in nursery no. He was for two days a week but I had to pull him out as there were continuous problems and his needs weren't being met. They were in the process of applying for an EHCP but I will have to start over again now. I do have alot of input from professionals to support the application so fingers crossed.

I'm already looking for another nursery, preferably a SEN one.

Sorry if I missed this, but how many children are there?

@ineedaholidaynow

Sorry if I missed this, but how many children are there?

5 in total

2 are biologically mine, the other three are from his previous relationship.

I have no advice, but sending my sympathy, everyone needs a break, you're coping amazingly in really tough circumstances. If you need to move area to get more space do it, it will make a huge difference to yours and your children's quality of life. If your partner won't support you in this, it's clear where his priorities lie. Prioritise your son and yourself.

Hi Op

Healthapas often have speacial offer/discounts too,
tempt,potential new customers to join them,
throughout the year,
for eg when a customer joins
they can invite a friend for a few hours/or a day as one off discount offer voucher etc.

And also paying direct debit each money if you prefer can make it easier too.

I don't know if you have tried any kind of ear defenders for your little one, at my DD's Special School some of the children wear them when they get distressed with noise and have too much sensory overload.
They do some on Amazon for around £10.

Apply for dla ask for help cerebra guides hv etc
Get a carers assessment from social services children with disabilities
If they say your accommodation isn't OK they need yo support your application to housing
Your ds can be with dh or others just will take persistence and building up

Reality is that yes you have to seek out help
But ask hv to refer you to local help
And look online for your local parents group

Honestly it does sound like you’d be better off without your OH

Or at least living separately from him and insisting his contact time happens in his place

You could live in a separate house/flat to your DH. Still be together but you wouldn’t have your step children as he would have them at his flat every weekend and you could move areas where it’s a bit cheaper.
It will probably concentrate his mind to prioritise a different job and in a more suitable area. It would also give you a bit of space.

DLA is an epic form, definitely get some help with it. I would also look at nurseries with SEN experience ASAP as this will give you a little respite (and the time to fill in all these forms.) A nursery will be able to help with an EHCP so that will lighten the paperwork load.
Are you on Facebook? Join all the parent and carer groups local to you and also the asd ones, they are your best place to ask for nursery recommendations and answer any questions.
You need to build your village, it’s sounds like you have no support at home and you really do deserve a break. I only have one dc with asd and it is bloody hard, I am in awe of you. You will cope as you have no choice but you can make life much easier and dare I say it even enjoyable with the right people around you and supporting you. You sound overwhelmed (completely justified) but you can do this. Just make a list of what needs to be done and highlight what’s important right now. You and your children deserve to be happy and I promise you it is possible.

I think finding a nursery that's the right fit will make a world of difference, and I really hope you do soon OP :)

Nothing helpful to say OP except that sounds so difficult. you sound amazing.

The only thing to do is for your DH to drop his contact with the other children. Yes it's unfair to them, yes it's not ideal. But it's the only answer in the short term isn't it?

So he drops it to once or twice a month and the other times he goes and sees them if possible. Even just doing this a few times would help you. It's just short term and you need a break here

You have my sympathies, OP. It's SO hard to get a break as an SEN parent, even if it's theoretically possible, because your whole time is spent worrying about the fall-out.
I spent alot of time applying for support this past year and it's made such a difference. I found it really helpful to keep a diary over a week or two of all behavioural incidents and all the care/supervision my DC needed. I found I normalised everything I did that then writing it out for the DLA form was really difficult. You can then submit the diary as evidence.
Please don't be discouraged, it often takes alot of pushing to get what you need but it really is worth it and has made such a difference to me. I now feel that some of my challenges as an SEN parent are recognised and accounted for and that's a real boost. Cerebra and Contact have both been really valuable sources of information. Really happy for you to PM me with more questions or just for a chat.

I read this as a lone parent to 4 children 2 oldest have autism, I have 4 under 10. My ex is absent so I never and I mean never get a break. He’s never had the children. Not once, never taken them at all. I’ve never spent a day away from them since we split 5 years ago. Family don’t help as no one will have 4. So I don’t understand why you with a DH can’t get a break? And I don’t think it will better if you break up as sounds like he just won’t have them at all if he can’t take them out without you. I manage to take 4 out, I have no choice. Yes it’s bloody hard but I have no choice. Am I right in thinking the child is 3? So he could still take him out in a pushchair etc? Sounds like if you break up he won’t bother at all just like my ex so you can feel envious about his ex having a break but I think sadly if you break up with him you won’t be getting one either way it sounds, not from him anyway.

I hope this isn't offensive but is it possible that your dh is on the autistic spectrum himself? ASD is heritable and he has two dc with ASD with two different women. It may explain why he is not that much help.

Ring social services on Monday OP and get the ball rolling. Even if you have to drive to the end of the street to do it. Ring them every day until something happens. I have a sibling with ASD and trust me the squeeky wheel gets the grease.

Being honest I think you need to think whether your relationship is going to make you happy and your dc happy long term. You have to put them first and to do that you have to put yourself first so you can meet their needs.

I sympathise witb your husband, having two children with ASD is a very tough hand to be dealt.

But his dc are ultimately not your problem and it sounds like even if you get respite care for your own dc you'll still have to deal with his kids every weekend so you never really get a break.

If it were me I'd consider ending the marriage.

Hi op
Also political councillor a good one can support/help you and your family in other ways

Such as helping to put your case forward to find better child care help support provision.

You can find your councillors contact details on the internet and at your main Councils office hub place.