To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

The step kids mum is royally taking the utter piss

She is not, and I'm appalled at that comment. If she came on and said "My ex says he can't take our own children for his access as he has had more children with his second wife and he/she can't cope with all of them", no way would you say she was "royally taking the utter piss" and you know it.

That sounds amazing, honestly. I could do that yes, although I'd struggle to relax for worrying that DH isn't coping with DS. I'll give it some thought.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup I’m going to be very blunt here, but for good reasons. Your DH may cope badly, but it’ll be for one or two nights. It’s not going to mental scar your DS forever and it’s not going do your DH any harm. You, on the other hand, will get a much needed recharge that will be for the benefit of your DS in the long run.

I do this two nights every month. One month for one night I take my middle two kids with me and they love it. The next month I take two nights to myself. That is the only way caring for my youngest doesn’t destroy me. And I have a very supportive DH, and amazing MiL who lives with us an pitches in so I can only imagine how you are coping basically on your own with your DH making it worse.

You need to look after you so that you can look after your DC.

Ipsea have a model letter on their website to send to the council about starting the ball rolling for an ehcp. That’s how I got the ball rolling when mine were little was putting in a parental request.

Have you checked out your county’s local offer? They often have information saying what is available under different sections like special needs etc.

Have you applied for carers? If not I would as that’s £67 a week.

DLA forms are vile. My dh is useless and I had to do both for our kids. It was horrible. I did them bit by bit. We are due for renewal soon and I’m dreading doing them again.

I think your DH needs to look at contact, I assume his mum has him all week but assuming he’s at school normally surely weekends should be split.

Your situation sounds really stressful. Please see your GP and also get a care assessment, you really need support. I hope things improve for you soon.

OP, Social Services are your friend here. They are there to support struggling families. They know how to help you get respite, ensure you're getting all the benefits you're entitled to and to give you support. It’s surprising what they can do in order to keep families together.

Quick update as I'm outside and the weathers crap but I'm out for my walk, had to eat my dinner sat on the floor (so did he mind you) as all 5 were on and near the sofa eating at the coffee table. No room for a dinner table. What a fucking life eh.

Back in a bit

[quote oakleaffy]@Pouringfromaveryemptycup
Your partner sounds as if he is using you.
No way should you be under this much intense pressure.
The step kids mum is royally taking the utter piss.

Enjoy your walk, and if you and your DC were alone, it would be far easier on you.

Mothers have snapped under far less pressure than what you are under.[/quote]
OP I really feel for you and the pressure you are under. Your DH is useless and you would be better off without him.

For the posters blaming the ex wife, why !! Sorry, this isn't a competition regarding who is suffering the most. The father has a responsibility to all his children. Of course the ex wife insists that the son sees his father every weekend, why wouldn't she. What happened to women supporting one another. The ex is in no way taking the 'utter piss'. The piss taking lies solely at the feet of a useless OH.

Ask for a social worker through disabled children’s team you will get help. My son has autism adhd and learning difficulties along with severe behaviours . They can offer help such as support workers to take your child out and overnight respite among other things such as being prioritised for a school place due to vulnerability throughout this pandemic

I have skim read your post.

The DLA...Take a read of the cerebra guide filling on the form.. it helps with the wording and prompts of information to put in each section.. I have just completed my DS's renewal.. they are draining beaucuse you simply are wrining all the challenges/ difficulties.... None of the positive stuff is really relelvant.

Look at incusion services in your area..There should be an inclusion service to support yours DS. I also spoke to national autictics society they do have workers who you can talk to about educational rights. what you can ask for.. I had a call and it was really helpful.

Support groups do a google /fb seatch. you may find some local ones.

it is harder than ever at the moment. you are doing amazing even if you feel yours not.

No advice but sending you a huge hug. If I could give you a break myself I would

Do you use your 30 free hours for your 3 year old? To get a bit of a break

Have you got your child into nursery? They will give you a bit of breathing room in the day and help with your applications for schools and EHCP.

It must be so difficult. We have had autistic children at our nursery and I am always in awe at how parents manage to cope with all the complex behaviours they can be left to deal with with little outside support.

Well isn’t he a Prince among men.
OP I hope you’re enjoying a peaceful walk. I have to echo the split sentiments but for now maybe make a carers assessment the next thing you need to do.
ECHP can be requested quite quickly - an email or letter to the SEN department addressed to the Director of Children’s Services requesting statutory assessment of your son’s SEN under section 36(1) of the Children & Families Act 2014.

I think you are a very good Mum. Because of your child’s additional needs, he clings to you and you have come to believe that only you can care for him. That isn’t true. What is true is that only you will care for you. To be suffering from clinical depression in the most supportive environment is hell. To suffer with it in intolerable conditions that almost certainly contributed to it Is really dangerous.
In order to provide the best possible care for your children, you have to help yourself.
Tell your partner that you need an hour to yourself every day, and a full 3 hours every weekend. Tell him that it’s time for him to forge a proper relationship with his kids. Tell him that his other children can come for a night a week or 2 nights every other week until you have better accommodation, that you will not facilitate longer contact at your current home, although of course he can see them outside the home -if he takes the others with him.- Get your boy into a specialist nursery. Trust them to look after him. Get the forms done for DLA , get a social worker.
I know that looks a lot, but write it as a list and do 1 thing at a time. If you start with the social worker, - and get a good one- they may help with the rest.
I really hope that life starts to get better soon.

Hi Op

Do not feel guilty in any way about wanting feeling you need a break on a regular basis.
Its only Natural,
You are not a Robot.

Its essentially you look after yourself op,

You will feel so much better if you do this,and will you feel cope better with whatever life/shit is thrown at you.

Rember its important for your child/your family that you look after yourself,as your family depends this.
You can can not keep on running on empty,its not healthy !

And by looking after yourself you are showing,teaching your family
You are a individual a person who worthy and deserves to valued treated with respect.
Just as much as their needs are.

Your husband defiantly needs to see you doing this.

You need to get into a habit of having a break such as staying over night a good budget hotel like premier/Travelodge etc.

Also joining a health spa and having regular pamper session such using the Jacuzzi ,sauna, hot steam room and swimming etc.

You will feel so refreshed,
Its surprising the difference you will feel like,
You will feel like you having been on a short holiday.

No advice but sending you a huge hug. If I could give you a break myself I would 

I second that. It sound so incredibly tough and I feel your struggle through your posts. I do not think you are a bad person - far from it. Pp have given good advice on steps you can take. For now just take that walk.

Oh my love, huge huge hugs. As one SEND parent to another, that's a huge load you are dealing with.

Is your younger child of school-age and, if so, what's the situation with their school during lockdown? Does he have an EHCP (education, health and care plan)? If so, he is counted as a vulnerable child and the school are meant to accept him. If they can't - say they don't have enough staff due to staff members having to shield etc - then would advise having a very frank discussion with the SENCO about your situation and ask them what other support they can offer. Maybe he could attend even a couple of days a week to give you a break or maybe they can link you to other services locally that are supporting families right now.

If that's not possible, contact your LEA. Your child is considered vulnerable and some provision needs to be made somewhere - respite care, home support - something. You have to be a fucking pushy sonofabitch to get anywhere and I appreciate that's very hard to do when you are feeling exhausted and depressed. But don't give up.

Have you tried the National Autistic Society or Barnardos? The NAS is likely to have a directory of support services for people with ASD in your area. I used my local Family Well-being Hub (what used to be a Sure-Start centre) when I was struggling to understand or manage my child's behaviour and it was incredibly useful. Just having someone to talk to actually made a huge amount of difference. It got me on a better track.

Don't be afraid to reach out to agencies and community organisations. In my experience it's always been helpful.

Honestly I read your post and really felt for you. I’ve struggled and don’t have what you have . I think you should do what ever you think you need to do to get through and don’t feel bad about it. I’ve had to learn to ask for help and actually admit that I’m
Struggling. You’re no good to anyone if you’re unwell xx

will your local MP help? It’s worth sending an email on. They might help push things forward. Can’t your dh sit with the kids for an hour and let you go out for a walk? Despite your son, you need a break

I have twins who are 4 and both autistic, one with other conditions too. I am at absolute breaking point and I have a supportive DH and no other children to worry about.

I would recommend asking social care for a section 17 assessment and a carers assessment. They have just offered us a PA for 8 hours a week in holidays and 1 hour a week to accrue so DH and I can have the odd evening / day off. I expect this will help when it starts.

Are you in the process of sorting school for your 3YO? Mine started a specialist ASD school in October (a year early) but I had to go through the EHCP process and then appeals to get them in. I cannot tell you how much it helped when they started, but they’ve barely been since Christmas. Can you get a nursery place if you don’t have one already?

Is there a children's centre near you OP? They can offer a wide range of support, from groups of others parents to help build a support network, through helping with forms and finding a nursery etc. The provision does vary nationally, but I really hope there is one, the one here is amazing.

I might be wrong, but from reading your posts it doesn't seem as though you have the headspace or time to enjoy being in a relationship anyway, he doesn't seem to support you and isn't making much effort to find somewhere new. I wouldn't normally say something so drastic, but honestly OP, without him and no offense to them, but his children visiting every weekend, I do think you will have more headspace to try and get your ahead around everything that needs doing for your DS in terms of the forms etc.

You are not unreasonable to want some time to yourself and to be struggling, it sounds really hard.

Also op
Find out what other services are out there in your area etc for your kind of family needs.

Do they have a day care centre locally or elsewhere, that often does activities and day trips for families with speacial needs ?

Does day care centre provide a regular service weekly etc in which you can drop off your child,doing activities etc for you to have a break.

If its daycare centre elsewhere?
Do they have a mini bus service to pick up your child/yourself etc.

If you can, try and do a draft of parts of the form when life is at its worst (like this weekend). You will be a lot more honest. I speak from experience!
and try to carve out a little time for yourself everyday. Even if it's 5 minutes outside with a cup of tea. for you OP - I'm sorry life is so hard at the moment.

Sending you a big hug, it's bloody hard I know, probably even harder with an unsupportive partner. My son was non verbal until the age of 7 . I just want to say it does get better xx

OP my friend phoned and got dla forms for me and they sat at the side of the kitchen. I couldn't bring myself to do it. She came down, sat with me and filled them for me over 2/3 days (6 hours each day). The first time its grim and you cry and it's awful. Theres local charities than can help you do them - citizens advice, NAS, even local counsellors offices.