To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

So it looks like I'll hear back within 72 hours rather than the 30-45 days which is good. Less time to stew

Though it seems they're only prioritising safeguarding at the minute and will ask families with lower needs to re refer.

I will let you all know the outcome. Fingers crossed.

Ss are there to support families. They do not want to remove children unless they are in danger. Be honest with them, let them know how much you are suffering and how much you need support. They might be able to arrange respite care or childcare.
Do not worry that they will take your children.

I can see you're doing your best but this all sounds chaotic.
I think you really need to spilt up with that DP and him and his lot can go live elsewhere.
Honestly, you'd be better off on your own.

I've done a search on the special needs board here and seen several posts from people who've self referred to the disabilities team and ended up on child protection, suffice to say that has just added to my nerves.

Overall I agree with those of you who think I would be better splitting and going forward alone with my two.

All of this chaos stems from him and his side of things.

Even if I had to stay here a while, it would be much more manageable to have this space with just me and my two.

Yes, I really think you would be better off on your own without him.
You'd have two children to care for, instead of 5.
He doesn't sound helpful or thoughtful and you'll have no escape from this at all until the NT kids grow up and move out.
I really think you should spilt up with him and he can go off elsewhere and sort himself out.
He'll probably find a new victim to shack up with and panhandle his kids off to, soon enough anyway.

If we are allocated a social worker, I think the above is the angle I'm going to go with.

I just want my children to have a peaceful home.

No chance of a peaceful home until you can try to make these changes.
There will be no peace.
Again - to reiterate - I can see you're doing your very best, you are very unsupported and are carrying a huge unfair burden on your own.
I would offload that absolute dickhead sharpish.

No advice, just wanted to say YANBU at all.

I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum!

He keeps asking if I'm ok, I keep telling him no I'm obviously not.

God it's exhausting.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup

He keeps asking if I'm ok, I keep telling him no I'm obviously not.

God it's exhausting.

Please take that night away at the very first opportunity

You need a long bath, an evening of quiet and a good sleep. It will put you in a much better space.

Plus, as you don’t know what he’ll be like help wise if you split you need to take advantage of being able to do that while you can

Don’t get me wrong, completely agree op your partner should be doing more to help and support you. You are going through an awful lot right now. However I do disagree with the comments saying your dh is giving his ex a break. The fact is they are his children and he is not doing a favour and babysitting them for her. He is taking responsibility for the children he also created. While I agree things need to change, it does not mean his ex should have to deal with his children 24/7 to facilitate the change.

This is on your dh. Quite frankly you sound like you would be better of on your own.

He needs to take control of his children, by this I mean he HAS to at least try and take them out for a couple of hours. They are HIS children and he needs to parent them and he isn’t doing anything at all to help. I know your a family, but honestly it seems that he’s living a single life whilst you struggle.
What if you wanted to work full time? What would he say then? It’s just not on. I’m sorry I haven’t read the whole thread I should probably do that.

Not suggesting you said that op, more in response to other posters who said your dh was giving his ex a break. No he is looking after his children. It annoys me when people say dh is babysitting if I go out for a night!

I definitely don't begrudge his ex child free time (I know nobody has implied that I do, I'm just reiterating that point)

I know everybody needs a break and wouldn't want to deprive her of that, I just want the same for myself.

Like some PP's, I have concerns about how supportive and present he would be in the event of a split and I have no doubt that if me and our DC weren't here as a family unit he probably wouldn't be as present for his older ones. I play a central role in his contact and am present for the duration of each visit.

I don't think I'm prepared to continue living like this though. Something has got to give. I think life would be immensely less stressful on the weekends at the very least. Whether he would provide practical support if I asked him to leave is another matter.

OP you've made a good start... and if you ultimately decide you have to ask Him to leave... then do it .. 🌺

@judgingcat

Nope. You're not a shit person.

I think until you start getting a break, it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable to drop your step children down to two weekends a month or insist your DH has his children and takes them out for a walk or something and drops them home afterwards due to the impact it's having your child.
I would be the same.

Sorry, yes this would be hugely unreasonable. Do those other children not need to see the father or suddenly feel they’re unneeded by him because everything is hard? Fucking hell.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup that’s not to say I cannot imagine how hard this is for you and I’m so sorry it is. I can’t suggest anything but want to say Christ you’re brilliant for doing all of this.

Do women just get to drop their children like a sack of shit when they're having a hard time? No

No clearly not, which is why the OP is on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I don't think Pamela was implying he shouldn't see his children, more so that he needs to see them elsewhere because there isn't sufficient space for 2 children there let alone 5.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup

He doesn't feel the same way I do, mentally exhausted and losing the will to live, because he works full time and doesn't spend much time here in comparison.

I lost my FT long term job then found work as a weekend cleaner but then hospitality closed so I haven't worked since November.

Exactly he is not home all the time, therefore does not experience the same as you do, if he did he would feel very differently I am sure!
Is it possible you could get weekend work in a store, or other cleaning job. Food stores have now proven to be one of the main jobs that continues despite everything at a time like this.

You need a break, even without your added stresses and issues, I would say it might usually sound cruel to say take care of your kids, but your DP's DC have a DM and their DF, and you've got enough on your plate.
If your DP doesn't work weekends then whilst you are not in work, you must demand that you have some time over the weekends to get out.

@Pouringfromaveryemptycup

Could you husband not even give you a couple of hours respite a week so you can have some time to yourself?

He certainly could but he doesn't. Admittedly, I don't tell him to take our two out alone because I know how hard it is to manage DS alone - he could offer to try though.

Have you contacted social care for a carers assessment?

I haven't no. I was contemplating doing exactly that but lost my bottle as I worried they would look on me unfavourably for our living conditions and the fact I'm not coping (the lack of space that is, it's very clean and tidy)

Could you pay for a carer to come and help your dh take them out?

Possibly at a stretch. The problem is DH would refuse to go out and about with a carer.

He has just called me and said "just giving you a heads up, DSS (asd) isn't in a good mood and kicked off about coming" so tonight is going to be hell.

This has been the case for the last month or so, he would rather stay at home with his mum where he has his own bedroom and home comforts. I don't blame him. OH and his ex insist he comes though, so OH can spend time with him and she can have a break.

That's their problem though that exP needs a break, it's not yours, this is another reason I couldn't of ever taken on a man and his children.

I agree yes, I'm going to insist I take more time for myself.

On Friday he agreed he would take our DC out more so if he keeps his word that will lessen the load for me whilst I see what else I can get sorted.

That's their problem though that exP needs a break, it's not yours, this is another reason I couldn't of ever taken on a man and his children

I do find myself regretting it lately which i feel awful for because the kids love me. The age old saying "you knew what you were getting into" is BS because you don't, not really. I'm sure most step mothers go into it with good intentions. Rose tinted glasses even.

I feel you OP. I get so sick of never getting a break and then having SC round with their Mum complaining it’s not enough and she needs more of a break. I’m not disputing she might feel she needs a break, but our need for a break gets totally overlooked. I’ve had 2 hours alone in the past 8 weeks!!

I have 3 with SEN, the paperwork is ginormous. But, once it’s done, it’s done.

You’ve had loads of advice on this thread, about the practical stuff, so I won’t repeat it. But I say this with absolute confidence : you and your partner will split up, so you may as well take control of that sooner rather than later. My ex is undiagnosed ASD, he is not a bad person but is utterly incapable of seeing the consequences of his actions or stepping up to the mark. The relief of his leaving is palpable.

I'm glad you've had such good advice on here.

I read your thread on Friday and wasn't sure what to suggest that could help, but I'm pleased other posters were able to be helpful... fingers crossed for a good response from the care team.