To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

Can you get some respite care for your ds? At least you’d get a break. Could your dh take out his kids when they come? I know it’s crap weather and nothing is open, but it sounds like you don’t have enough space or time to yourself. When do you get a break?

Nope. You're not a shit person.

I think until you start getting a break, it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable to drop your step children down to two weekends a month or insist your DH has his children and takes them out for a walk or something and drops them home afterwards due to the impact it's having your child.
I would be the same.

@Cherrysoup

Can you get some respite care for your ds? At least you’d get a break. Could your dh take out his kids when they come? I know it’s crap weather and nothing is open, but it sounds like you don’t have enough space or time to yourself. When do you get a break?

I wouldn't even know where to begin with regards to respite, we've never been offered it. He's still very young (3) and if there's support to be had then I'm not getting any.

DH might take the older ones out if I ask but it would be begrudgingly. The one with autism hates going out anywhere. He has to practically bribe him to come here at the weekend.

I never, ever get a break. My 'breaks' consist of dashing to the shop alone once in a while to get food shopping. I bought myself a book at Christmas and haven't been able to get past the first chapter because I'm a slave to DS routine. If I don't go to sleep shortly after him then I live to regret it as he's up at the crack of dawn regardless of how late he goes to sleep.

I don't have any advice or experience of this but just wanted to say you are definitely not unreasonable. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time for you, with no time to yourself, so understandably you are struggling. As someone else suggested, is respite care something you could look into? Or extra help in the house?

The advice you got last time included m to leave him as he’s a selfish arsehole who’s prioritising the area you currently live in in a flat that far too small for all of you so you and your DC can have more space.

As you say, nothing has changed, and while that’s the case you’re all insanely cramped and everyone is suffering.

Don’t you owe it yourself and your son to split up so you can focus your time and resources on just your own DC?

@judgingcat

Nope. You're not a shit person.

I think until you start getting a break, it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable to drop your step children down to two weekends a month or insist your DH has his children and takes them out for a walk or something and drops them home afterwards due to the impact it's having your child.
I would be the same.

Thank you so much.

Around the time I posted here before about the DSC and the lack of space DH said he was considering splitting up his contact time so all 5 aren't under the same roof on the same days, but each one are here on a different day. That would've meant having the children here three times as often though and wouldn't be much better. He didn't follow through with what he said about speaking to his ex to see what she thought about it anyway.

He doesn't feel the same way I do, mentally exhausted and losing the will to live, because he works full time and doesn't spend much time here in comparison.

I lost my FT long term job then found work as a weekend cleaner but then hospitality closed so I haven't worked since November.

@AnneLovesGilbert

The advice you got last time included m to leave him as he’s a selfish arsehole who’s prioritising the area you currently live in in a flat that far too small for all of you so you and your DC can have more space.

As you say, nothing has changed, and while that’s the case you’re all insanely cramped and everyone is suffering.

Don’t you owe it yourself and your son to split up so you can focus your time and resources on just your own DC?

Yes I do, which is why I've reached the end of my rope and have come to the realisation that I would rather sacrifice keeping the family together than to carry on like this.

That sounds really difficult OP, I don't think it's surprising at all that you're struggling.

I think that your DP needs to take your DC out, despite the meltdown that will occur as you need some time by yourself.

and

I honestly don't know how you cope. I have no experience of your situation so can't offer advice, but just to let you know that having no break and dealing with a high needs childen and several step children every weeknd in a small flat, with no break ever, sounds exceptionally tough and draining and its no wonder your mental health is suffering

Could you husband not even give you a couple of hours respite a week so you can have some time to yourself?

You have my sympathies. I have three kids between 12 and 8 and my younger two (11 and 8) both have autism and adhd. My youngest is on the severe end of spectrum as he can’t talk and is very challenging. He also doesn’t get on with his brother as his brother finds him difficult and noisy. I recently started working part time and I’m so tired and so stressed. I’ve taken to hiding in the loo at points for some space.

Have you contacted social care for a carers assessment? You need to get in touch with social care. I know a family locally whose son has respite one weekend a month. Your DH and yourself need to carve out time for a break. My middle son at 3 was my shadow. He absolutely hated anyone else. But for your sanity you need some space. Could you pay for a carer to come and help your dh take them out? Is there anywhere else you could go? I know now isn’t the ideal time but it’s something you need to think about.

OP you must consider your own children and your own mental wellbeing.. you and your children must be your priority now

I sympathise. Massively. Single parent here. 2 autistic children and an angry teen with me 24/7. All day every day.

It's exhausting.

I hope you find a solution but I have no idea what it will be. Hugs.

Have nothing useful to add except it sounds sounds incredibly challenging and its complely REASONABLE to want and need a break from this.

My biggest issue with homeworking/homeschooling was getting NO headspace. One time I tried to escape and go for a walk, my DH followed me saying he wanted to come too. He was being nice but I practically cried. I now go for a run 3x a week. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. When I didn't prioritize it, due to others needs, I found myself unspooling. Get some headspace time. Insist on it. Prioritize yourself.

You have my sympathy as it sounds hellish, and your DH doesn't sound massively helpful.

Facilitating childcare is an allowable reason for booking into a hotel atm and lots of Premier Inns are £30/35. Could you, just to get a break, leave your DS with your DH for one night and get a decent night of sleep? It'll be a hellish night for your DH, but you need a break.

Otherwise could he take his kids there for contact a couple of nights? He can sell it as a treat to the kids - hotel, pizza and a film. Just to give you some breathing space.

I really think you need to take a night away for your own sake.

OP for respite you can approach the GP, tell them you’re not coping and they can refer you to appropriate services who can provide a funded carer.

I think you can also try the local authority, I imagine the health visitor might be some help as well.

Pay for respite. Google chilminders or agencies that have people on their books who will cope.
I know it's not best for your son
But in the big picture he needs a mum who can give as much as possible for the max amount of time possible.
Not one on the edge like you because you are giving too much.
It would (looking back on my similar years leading to me sduicidal) be the one thing I'd go into debt for.
Does he get dla? If not claim and use this towards. Ask for help on the SEN boards and they'll signpost you.
Early help in your area? Can you get him into nursery earlier?
It's rough. Really rough.
Throw every resource you have to get a break because honestly you need it.

Could you husband not even give you a couple of hours respite a week so you can have some time to yourself?

He certainly could but he doesn't. Admittedly, I don't tell him to take our two out alone because I know how hard it is to manage DS alone - he could offer to try though.

Have you contacted social care for a carers assessment?

I haven't no. I was contemplating doing exactly that but lost my bottle as I worried they would look on me unfavourably for our living conditions and the fact I'm not coping (the lack of space that is, it's very clean and tidy)

Could you pay for a carer to come and help your dh take them out?

Possibly at a stretch. The problem is DH would refuse to go out and about with a carer.

He has just called me and said "just giving you a heads up, DSS (asd) isn't in a good mood and kicked off about coming" so tonight is going to be hell.

This has been the case for the last month or so, he would rather stay at home with his mum where he has his own bedroom and home comforts. I don't blame him. OH and his ex insist he comes though, so OH can spend time with him and she can have a break.

Drop the access to alternate weekends until you feel stronger, OP. Better that than break up your marriage.

Please look at respite

www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/finding-respite-care-short-breaks/

It would give you some breathing space

Dp you have a local children's hospice op? Of you say the vague area we might be able to helpm. In the West Midlands Acorns would be one option depending on exact locality.

Can you call them and ask of you can self refer / the criteria?

You could then look at getting respite for him or even with him (we used to sleep in the flat upstairs. Of you could do that, they'd care for DS and you'd be there just in case / able to get a proper sleep and read your book)

I haven't no. I was contemplating doing exactly that but lost my bottle as I worried they would look on me unfavourably for our living conditions and the fact I'm not coping (the lack of space that is, it's very clean and tidy)
They've seen it all and then some. Some of them may have even been there themselves. Call them.

Hugs to those of you who can relate about parenting SEN children x

Facilitating childcare is an allowable reason for booking into a hotel atm and lots of Premier Inns are £30/35. Could you, just to get a break, leave your DS with your DH for one night and get a decent night of sleep?

That sounds amazing, honestly. I could do that yes, although I'd struggle to relax for worrying that DH isn't coping with DS. I'll give it some thought.

does he get DLA?

Not yet no. He was diagnosed in December. For reasons I can't really explain I've been putting off doing the forms (which I've had here since before he was diagnosed)

I will apply. He'll get it, without a doubt.

OP your problem is and always has been your DH - I remember your last posts and it is always him that is the issue and no one else.

Look what he said that his son isnt in a good place and he expects you to handle it

Maybe your dh needs to think whether forcing his other child to come to yours every weekend is a good idea. My son would prefer being at home where he’s comfortable. Couldn’t your dh spend time with him during the day? Are they nearby enough?

Honestly please don’t feel you’d be judged by social services on your house. I think as a mum especially we think we have to keep powering on to the point we lose ourselves and end up stressed and mentally exhausted. Social services may also help you with housing and the council.

I’m nervous of taking all three out alone and rely on my oldest to help which makes me feel guilty but our 7 year old is very challenging but my dh does take them out. If your dh has his son EOW then I’d ask on the weekends he doesn’t have his son to take his other child out because you need the space.

I’d also go to the GP. Are you under the paediatrician for your son? Could they write letters as well?

If I could click YANBU 100 times I would

You have so many significant stress factors going on at the same time. Job loss, SN parenting, lack of support, blended family challenges, OH not pulling his weight. Please do whatever you can to get some respite. Even if it means checking out for a weekend and leaving OH in charge.