To just want a fucking break from ALL of the children. I can't do it anymore.

[Pouringfromaveryemptycup]

Mine are most definitely included in that statement.

I have children with my other half (one is on the severe end of the autism spectrum) and he has several with his ex.

I love them to bits but I have found that I'm starting to really dread them coming, hear me out before you condemn me.

I'm clinically depressed, in part (I believe) due to the fact I never get a break. Special needs parenting is hard. OH doesn't take ours out on his own because DS doesn't like to be away from me and causes merry hell, so not an hour goes by, barring bed time which is a huge battle in itself, that I'm not listening to screaming and meltdowns or being headbutted and hit.

One of OH's is also autistic except he's older and verbal. "High functioning" if you will (I hate that word too) They set each other off. My DS doesn't cope being around alot of people in a small space, family or not, so every time they come DS gets overwhelmed and starts smashing his head on the floor or trashing the place. That sets his brother off and then they're both wailing.

The noise is too much for him, for both of them really, and it's not like I can children to be quiet for the duration.

There is no space for their own bedrooms so everybody is under everybody else's feet. No garden to encourage them to play out in. I posted on here before some months ago about how we lost our home and have ended up in a tiny flat which was supposed to be 'temporary' whilst we saved up to move.

We're still stuck here with no realistic progress with regards to moving. Landlords are discriminating against us because I now receive UC (I always worked full time before life went to shit) and the council can't/won't help despite supportive letters and me making a nuisance of myself.

When contact time comes around i find myself feeling envious of his ex who gets this time to herself. I want that, infact I think I need it for the sake of my sanity. Even if it costs me my family unit.

It's too much and every weekend I find myself sitting here in despair and wondering how much longer I can cope. I hate myself for dreading them visiting because deep down it's nothing to do with them at all.

I don't know what I wanted from the thread really, I've followed all previous advice RE our housing situation and nothing is changing. I suppose I would like to know that I'm not a completely shit person for just wanting a break from it all.

DP needs to step up. Now. book yourself in to a hotel for the weekend, if you can, and insist that he deal with it.

Thank you all for the support and advice, rest assured I'm reading every comment and I'm grateful for every one.

I take heart from seeing some SEN parents on the thread too

Sounds like if you break up he won’t bother at all just like my ex so you can feel envious about his ex having a break but I think sadly if you break up with him you won’t be getting one either way it sounds, not from him anyway.

This stood out to me because I have that same feeling myself, which is at least a small part of the reason I'm still with him. I don't get any time to myself at the moment but the small mercies being that he lightens the load with cooking/housework and will keep an eye on them if i want to bath in peace.

I don't think he'd have his other children so frequently if he was on his own and didn't have somebody here to at least be present. He's good at the practical things such as fixing them some food, playing with them for half an hour or so.. but I do doubt his ability to cope with them on his own for longer periods of time. See below for why that is.

I hope this isn't offensive but is it possible that your dh is on the autistic spectrum himself? ASD is heritable and he has two dc with ASD with two different women. It may explain why he is not that much help

Not remotely offensive don't worry, I think he does have ASD myself and so does he coincidentally. I didn't know that when I met him as I didn't know anything about autism, I just thought he was quirky.

Honestly this just made me think of my situation as that’s how it is for me. He would only ever come to my house to see them, he refused to take them anywhere. And as soon as I put my foot down and said contact weren’t happening at my house anymore (it was unhealthy for me and he acted like we were still in a relationship) he disappeared. So life isn’t really easier for me as now I do everything alone. I don’t know what the answer is I really don’t as it seems you won’t win either way. In all honestly life was easier when he was around for the reasons you mentioned, not everything fell on me, and there was another pair of hands, of course life would be easier to be single if he takes them and gives you a break but sadly if he won’t then you can’t make him. I think you need to just try to get support in other ways like it’s been suggested as you clearly can’t rely on him.

@stopringingme

I don't know if you have tried any kind of ear defenders for your little one, at my DD's Special School some of the children wear them when they get distressed with noise and have too much sensory overload. They do some on Amazon for around £10.

DS has some, they were probably the best purchase I've made

He wears them happily when outdoors when in shops or at the park but has a total aversion to wearing them in the house.

Sympathy OP. I'm a single parent to a 4yo and a 10mo. I love my children more than anything, but yes, I would bloody love a bit of head space. I'd love to read a book or sleep in late on a Sunday morning or go for a walk without having to pack spare clothes or push a buggy or have to turn back because I need to think about baby's next feed or toddler's tired legs. It doesn't make you a bad person to need a break. I hope things get better for you 💐

Hi, just want to say you sound like a super mum but your DH is a massive problem here. You are heading for a breakdown if you don’t change things and make a stand. Sending 💐

Have you tried getting a different pair of ear defenders & telling him that they are made specially for inside use?

Thank you for the solidarity ladies, you've picked me up today and I needed that.

Every parent needs a break, I really feel for all of you in a similar position to me (or a worse one as I know there are people much worse off than me)

I'm trying to think positive and I'm going to make this coming week a productive one. It has been too easy for me to feel defeatist with the depression but the only person who's going to make any changes is me.

His DS is having a tantrum as I type because he doesn't want to go to sleep "like the babies" I'm worried he's going to wake my DS and then all hell will break loose.

All three of them sleep on a big king size inflatable bed in the living area which takes up nearly all the floor space. Dad sleeps on the sofa next to the inflatable bed when they're here and my two sleep in the bedroom with me. I feel as sorry for them as I do me and mine to be honest.

Getting up for a drink in the night is a no go and I'm stuck in the bedroom in the morning until they're all awake, even though DS wakes up really early.

We have two pair of Edz kids ear defenders here but I'd be more than happy to buy a different pair if people think it'll help. I could make the new ones the 'indoor' ear defenders.

Could you get some inner ear ones for yourself Pouring? You'll still hear the kids but it might just take the edge off the piercing noise. I saw a similar suggestion for new moms of twins 😂

@SleepingStandingUp

Could you get some inner ear ones for yourself Pouring? You'll still hear the kids but it might just take the edge off the piercing noise. I saw a similar suggestion for new moms of twins 😂

It has never occurred to me but come to mention it, that's a great idea 😂

Where do your kids sleep when the step children aren’t there?
OP I have no idea what the answer is but you sound amazing. Your dh sounds awful but you did say upthread that you don’t “tell” him to take the children out on his own because you know it’s hard. I know you shouldn’t have to tell him but maybe isn’t it worth a try to do so before you leave? (Although I think he’s being an utter arse about the house).

No advice to add, but I think you are doing a great job. I really hope things can improve fast for you. 💐

you're very kind, thank you both ❤

It's true I don't tell him to take them out, even though I wish he would. I've martyred myself there by resigning to the fact that it's more worry than it's worth as DS is just so difficult. He's getting too big for the double buggy and lashes out so I'm now looking at SN ones. He's unable to walk far out of the pram as he has problems with his legs too.

I did speak to him briefly tonight and asked him when I ever get child free time to myself, he said "you don't really" then followed up with "you know you could always go for regular walks on your own and leave them with me"

I said I would much prefer you take them out sometimes so he has agreed he will. I'm going to give it a week and see whether he does. I highly doubt it but we'll see. I'm glad I got out for some fresh air this afternoon anyway it did me good.

Where do your kids sleep when the step children aren’t there?

In the bedroom with me, their beds are in here. They can't sleep in the living room as it doubles as a kitchen on one side so wouldn't be safe and to be honest I don't much fancy sleeping in there myself.

DH often ends up sleeping in there on the sofa 40% of the time because he snores that badly nothing helps.

It's all a bit ridiculous isn't it.

Absolutely ridiculous. Your children need bedrooms.

You have 5 kids in a 1 bed flat. It’s madness.

Has he seen anyone about the snoring?
This is sounding worse and worse the more you post

OP.. sending best wishes .. it sounds very stressful.. 🌺

Please don't call your local children's hospice. Their resources are for families who have children with terminal and life limiting conditions not for families who don't fall into this category. They sre for children with complex nursing needs. OP it sounds tough could you ask a health visitor to refer to SS disabilities team. Your son will also qualify for 30 free government finded hours at nursery.

Good morning @Pouringfromaveryemptycup How are you feeling this morning?

Unfortunately, I doubt your dh will change, with regards to being proactive in his approach to parenting his kids. You’ve had a conversation with him (or many over the years) about what you need him to do, for yourself health and sanity. Stop enabling him, to the detriment of your mental health.

To use a MN trope; it’s time to get your ducks in a row. Some suggestions from me:

• fill out the paperwork for whatever assistance you are entitled to.
• look for a nursery or childminder for your child. Contact your local family information service (your local council). They will know local childcare providers who specialise in SN and who has vacancies.
• book yourself into a hotel for one night in a few weeks on a weekend night. That way your dh has enough notice so he can decide if he wants to have all 5 children on his own or tell his ex that he can’t have their children on that night.
• arrange to go out, for a walk or to the supermarket, when he arrives with his children for their visit. You know that when your child wakes up, it will be a nightmare, why should you have to deal with it every weekend. Leave him to it. They are all his kids, you have told him you are not coping and you need a break, but he is doing nothing to alleviate your suffering. I’m sure when he has to deal with it for a few weeks, he will find a solution.

Can you move out of your area to find larger accommodation?
Where do yours and your dh family live? Can you move nearer to them for support?
Does your dh work from home?

You are not being unreasonable at all. Why can't ex OH take the kids to his? Sorry if I misunderstood, he is your ex right?

I can see that his ex needs break. But you as not her respite carer!!
He needs to take care of his children.
You need a break.
Can you get in the car, on a bus whatever. Pull over and read your book. Don’t go home for 2 hours at the least. Just to feel steady, for now.
You need a carers assessment. You are entitled to one.

Good morning all,

I've sent a lengthy email to the social services disabilities team requesting an assessment. I've explained in detail the problems I'm having with lack of space and how its adversely affecting DS.

I found the email contact on our local councils website, it says referrals are looked at within 30-45 days and they'll investigate to see whether the child meets the criteria for the disabilities team.

I'm feeling a bit shaky now and worrying about DS being taken away because I can't meet his needs here

Logically I know that's unlikely but there's a part of me that worries because I know how shit our living situation is.

I wouldn't have taken that step had it not been for you lot here giving me the push I needed.

The truth is I have huge fears about social services because I know myself how shit our situation is, until I posted here and heard from all of you I would've avoided them like the plague.

I really, really hope they will help me.

The social services are overwhelmed and they would never want to take away a well looked after loved child like yours but it is their job to provide help (which you clearly deserve) to shore up families and keep them together. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and I hope you can enjoy the time you get when you get it.

I received this just now, I think it's an auto responder.