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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend got job she knew I wanted

833 replies

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:39

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset Sad Sad Angry Angry

OP posts:
lljkk · 17/02/2021 17:41

Are you sure she didn't apply first?
I can see you wanting to chat with her... but that you may also not have the facts.

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 17/02/2021 17:41

You both went for the same job, if they thought you were the better candidate you would have it. They did not, and it went to someone else. It really doesn't matter who actually got it, you didn't.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. Also, she's not your friend, she's your industry mentor.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 17/02/2021 17:42

That really sucks. Absolutely nothing you can do about it. If you tell people in your industry that she went for a job you told her about in confidence as your mentor you will come off as bitter. See it as a learning experience about keeping certain cards close to your chest.

Original poster
fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:42

should have added, I got all the way to the final stage interview for this job that she got. I am definitely very capable. Plus the employer is nothing like where she (or I) worked before so I don't believe where we previously worked played a factor either.

I don't know why she got it over me but she definitely does not have a key essential skill they asked for (and I do).

OP posts:
Capital76 · 17/02/2021 17:43

I assume you interviewed?
The job was advertised publicly?
She could have seen the advert herself and applied before you did and then not let on when you said you were applying

If the above is yes then YABU

If you both interviewed then debbie was the stronger candidate

Thislittlefinger123 · 17/02/2021 17:45

If the industry is as niche as you say then surely she'd already have known about the job and applied for it? You can't expect her to not apply for a job because you said you had Confused

Capital76 · 17/02/2021 17:45

@fcekinghell

should have added, I got all the way to the final stage interview for this job that she got. I am definitely very capable. Plus the employer is nothing like where she (or I) worked before so I don't believe where we previously worked played a factor either.

I don't know why she got it over me but she definitely does not have a key essential skill they asked for (and I do).

You sound bitter

Are you saying the employers are idiots who recruited someone who doesn't have the key skills? Shes obviously been the stronger candidate
Regardless of what is on a job or person spec at interview something can come across as an asset to the buisness overall

cheesetoastiewithham · 17/02/2021 17:45

Maybe she applied before you told her?
Did she really not have this skill also if she was offered the job?
I'd really try and let it go. Plenty of people apply for jobs even when already in a roll. You said this doesn't come up often so maybe that's why she applied.

Cadent · 17/02/2021 17:46

Is she your mentor because she's more senior/experienced?

I'm afraid YABU. You can't expect her not to apply to jobs that you have applied to, that's not how mentoring works. She gave the better interview.

Thislittlefinger123 · 17/02/2021 17:46

You may have the skill you mention, but the interviewers obviously still felt she was the stronger candidate. Try and move on

titchy · 17/02/2021 17:46

Well you are of course unreasonable, but sympathies that's very frustrating. Could you fill Debbie's now vacant role?

Wearywithteens · 17/02/2021 17:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MissConductUS · 17/02/2021 17:47

YABU. Even if she had turned it down it might not have gone to you. She is also still in a position to help you.

ErickBroch · 17/02/2021 17:47

YABU but I understand you're hurt. I doubt you gave her 'all the answers' and her short feedback was probably to be kind without giving you actual feedback. A family member of mine had similar. She is a director and a woman she line manages was going for a senior job that family member also was - she kept asking her to review/for advice and it was a difficult situation. Family member got the job too.

Rivergreen · 17/02/2021 17:47

YABU. It was open to anyone. If she hadn't applied, there is no guarantee you would have got the job instead. It sucks, but they saw something in her that they wanted.

Don't be bitter, congratulate her and keep her as a mentor: use it to your advantage when another job comes up there, or a similar role in another company.

katy1213 · 17/02/2021 17:47

It was Debbie's dream job, too. And she's taught you one thing, don't blab to potential competitors!

Stanleyville · 17/02/2021 17:47

They probably thought she was 'better' than you when she said she mentored you.

Unreasonabubble · 17/02/2021 17:47

I wonder if she happened to mention that she was mentoring a lady called @fcekinghell? If I was the interviewer and she told me that, it would put some doubt in my mind that your CV was not quite honest as had been presented as how can you be mentored by someone with less skills?

I am gutted for you. Sad

ErickBroch · 17/02/2021 17:48

If she got the job then her answers were invevitably better than yours so I doubt she got them all from you? I am not trying to be harsh but just some perspective. You are unemployed and obviously going through a really tough time so I don't think you're wrong to be upset... but she hasn't done anything wrong.

Cherryberrypies · 17/02/2021 17:48

YANBU to be disappointed. But YABU to expect Debbie to put her life on hold because you wanted this job. This might have been a career move Debbie really wanted.

Can you apply for Debbies old job?

Notnt · 17/02/2021 17:49

It's not a great situation, but if she got the job without this essential skill, it may be that she interviewed better and they think it's worth training her.
I've chosen (as part of a panel), candidates who are less experienced but will be a better fit with the team/are more enthusiastic/many other reasons that make it worthwhile training them up on the weaker areas.

DianaT1969 · 17/02/2021 17:49

How do you know she got it? Did she contact you after? I'd try not to be bitter. She might recommend you for a post there or to be her successor in the future. Stay on good terms and channel your energy into applying for other jobs. Let this go.

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 17:50

it's never nice to be rejected, your reaction is only natural.

I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer.
I am sure Debbie must have loved being your "mentor" and it sounds like you dismissed her far too quickly. There must be valid reasons why SHE was chosen.

YABU because she doesn't owe you anything at all,
she hasn't stolen your job, you both had equal chances (even if you believe you were superior when clearly you are not), and your current employment status is absolutely irrelevant. (it might be for the employer, but nothing to do with Debbie)
Maybe she didn't want to jinx it
Maybe she was worried you would laugh at her applying for that role
Maybe she got bored of how superior you are

zzizzer · 17/02/2021 17:50

She was obviously eligible despite the thing you think she lacked. Maybe they just had a better rapport with her, its partly about who fits better with a team as much as who's got the most qualifications.

Congratulate her and ask about her old job.

emilyfrost · 17/02/2021 17:51

YABU and bitter. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t have that skill, they still thought she was the better candidate.