friend got job she knew I wanted

[fcekinghell]

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset

Did you just "gossip" about her like that?!
Ao now it will go around the industry she is backstabbing whatnot when you don't wven know, just think that she applied after you told her? Have you also mention something about thinking she lied about skill?

Nice way to try to sink her because she was a better candidate in the end...

I had some sympathy because it sucks to be unemployed and rejected, but you lost all of it when you tried to discrefit her based on assumptions and being pissed off.

Of course YANBU and she was massively snide. If she'd said she had decided to apply too, and drawn back from your application that would have been fine.

Hopefully it will bite her on the bum, most unethical.

She didn't take your job! She applied and got it fair and square. They preferred her over you. She probably applied before you but didn't want to say anything. In my eyes a mentor shows a higher level of professional expertise, alongside the ability. It may have been that string to her bow that landed her the job.

I think that she has behaved quite unprofessionally. I think if you sign up to be a mentor you have certain obligations and criteria you need to meet and she wasn't honest with you.

I think if she had applied for the job regardless of whether it was before or after she knew about your application, she had a responsibility to tell you. You then could have made the decision as to whether you still wanted her to continue being your mentor.

If this was done through an official mentor programme then I would be putting in a complaint.

She had every right to apply for the job but she should have handled the situation with you in a much more professional manner.

It seems a really unethical thing to do, if you are a mentor just to find out about job opportunities and steal jobs from potential candidates you are supposed to be helping in the first place. I would notify whoever assigned the mentor, as this seems very fishy.

@Desperado40 It's an ex-mentor who's now a supposed 'friend.'

@fcekinghell She won't have broken any code of conduct as she's not currently your mentor, you don't have a current professional relationship. But it is unethical IMHO in that she sneaked. She clearly doesn't consider it as much of a friendship as you do. I probably wouldn't suggest bothering with her much again.

I get why you’re gutted. If you’re not working at the moment and you’ve not got your dream job you’re probably pretty upset but jobs on the open market are fair game.

The one thing I find very questionable is her reviewing your application. She should’ve said at that point and not gone through your application unless you were comfortable with her doing so. But I think it always pays to be a bit wary of people especially as Debbie was never really a friend.

I understand your being frustrated and suspecting that she only learned about the job through you, but there's nothing more you can do about it, at this point.

Now you know not to share this kind of information, when another opportunity comes along. If you're correct that she doesn't have the special skill that is crucial to this new job, maybe she'll be replaced soon. The company has said they're keeping you in mind for future recruitment, so if she doesn't live up to expectations, they may come back to you. Keep your fingers crossed and keep looking for another dream job opening!

How do you even know she had applied when she read your application?

Maybe she did learn about the job then, thought about it and decided to apply. Nothing wrong there at all.

Maybe she had applied already, and stayed quiet because she didn't want to hear the patronising and smug: I have that skill and you clearly haven't, you got no chance.

Who knows and who cares.

If it makes you feel better to imagine she only got the job thanks to you, go for it. Or be a professional adult and move on. It's not like she hacked into your machine to find confidential information.

I understand why you're upset. I agree with pps that Debbie didn't take your job, for whatever reason the company thought she was the better candidate and that's fair enough. Also, you are a bit unreasonable by saying it's not fair she applied, she doesn't need the job, etc., you don't know her circumstances.

However, I do think Debbie has acted wrongfully in this situation by inviting you to send her your draft application. I don't think that was very ethical of her.

She is well within her rights to apply for any job she chooses and she got the job fair and square.

I'm afraid you have to suck that one up BUT I do think you need to sever the mentor ties now. That relationship is clearly ruined.

Back away graciously. A short, polite email letting her know you will no longer be requiring a mentor and wishing her well for the future should suffice. Don't mention that you know she got the role you wanted, it will only make you look bitter. If she replies, just ignore it.

Good luck getting another job, OP. Everything happens for a reason, maybe that job just wasn't for you but there will be others. Forget it and move on .

I disagree with a lot of others, fine she can apply for any job she wants but she should have been upfront with you and certainly not have reviewed your application. To me it sounds like she has deliberately sabotaged you.

If you say she dosnt have your skill set that was key to the role I’d think she has basically lied, maybe copied your cv.

@fcekinghell

I'm trying not to be outing. I don't want to say what kind of job, qualifications etc we do. Its quite common in our field to have mentors of different qualifications and experience though.

And now I come to think of it, the mentoring was kind of mutual as she asked me a lot about my job and qualifications over the years and I gave her lots of useful links so she probably learned a lot from me that she could have used in her application, not just my application itself.

Have spoken to two other trusted people in our field about this (who haven't seen any of my applications lol), who reckon she's broken our industry code of conduct around confidentiality and ethics. Again I can't say too much about the industry or the code of conduct.

@fcekinghell

Wow so you THINK you know something and have spread affectively lies about her. You don’t know for certain anything has happened.

Just move on otherwise if it gets back to Debbie she may tell your potential dream employers how vindictive and nasty you are.

She looked over your application?

Probably copied it, rewording in her own fashion. You dropped the job into her lap

it's not school 😂
You don't just copy somebody's CVs and application form.

The panel met all the candidates, that's where one candidate was better than the other. You'd be crazy to go to an interview thinking it's in the bag and you are clearly in front of everybody else's.

This happened to my mum, many years/ centuries ago (she's been gone years)

She told a colleague/ friend who she thought was a friend and the friend applied and got the job.
Mum never spoke to her again and they were quite close.

She told me never ever to tell anyone if I was applying for a job, and I haven't to this day.
Hope something comes along soon

Watch out OP, the lovely Debbie will be contacting you to help her fill in the gaps in her knowledge.

The continuous mentions of how much more qualified and suited you are isn't helping op. You obviously aren't more suited, or they'd have offered you the job. There's a reason she got it. Use it as a tool to work on your future interview techniques etc. She's not your friend - she's a professional acquaintance and owes you nothing. Maybe it was her dream job too? Can you honestly say you would have let it go, if the roles were reversed, just to spare the feelings of a relative stranger? Probably not.

You sound very childish and to be honest on paper she is by far the stronger candidate being that she is a mentor and in employment whereas you are unemployed and need mentoring... just because you have a skill doesn’t mean others can’t learn it. You’re also lacking in self awareness, come across as arrogant and neither of those qualities would go down well at an interview.

It’s totally irrelevant how Debbie found out about the job or if she applied before or after the OP, the problem is helping the OP with her application if she had already applied or was intending to apply. This isn’t how a mentor or in fact any professional person should behave. It’s a conflict of interest and very unprofessional of Debbie. I think it’s a lesson learned and drop any contact and keep well away from Debbie.

You seem so sure she is less experienced than you and yet she was your mentor. That's an odd interpretation of mentor. She may well have already applied for the role and felt shy of informing you. I once applied for something and told a mentee to apply for it too. I got it, she didn't and she was phenomenally bitter, as though it should have been hers and I should have backed off.

You had no claim on the role. Don't end up sounding like Trump 'They stole my election.' The job wasn't yours to steal. But equally, if there is something you really want, don't share it. I have done this before. I feel a bit sneaky and only do it if I am really keen, reckoning that if others in the field are equally keen, they'll see it and apply.

When you take on the role of a mentor it's not like being a friend - there is a code of ethics which she's seems to have driven a cart and horse through. She had exploited her position to access the job, but worse, seeing your application without telling you is pretty despicable. I would report her to the organisation that set up the mentoring scheme. There's not much you can do except make sure she does not get another mentee.

She was your mentor not your friend. If you work in the same industry you are going to find that people who you know professionally are going to apply for the same job as you at times.

I've mentored people in the past and they have never been more experienced than me. That's the whole point of being a mentor.

That's a bit shit. I can see why you're upset.

While Debbie had as much right as you to apply for it and someone else apart from you may have got it if she didn't, she definitely should have told you she was applying too and not reviewed your application.

Maybe they were looking for mentoring skills?

Stay professional and send her a congratulatory email but be aware in future.

Wow, I can't believe people are saying this is fine. She has a hugely unfair advantage being able to see a candidate she was competing against application! I wonder how the recruiting company would feel about this? And you can bet she told them she was your mentor so ant similarities in application they would think are you copying her! She should have been upfront and told you she was applying and therefore would not be able to read your application as it wouldn't be fair to you.

YANBU. Regardless of whether “Debbie” had applied for the job before you discussed it with her, she should have let you know that she couldn’t discuss this particular thing with her, as there was a conflict of interest. By not telling you that she had applied too, she then had the insider information on a fellow candidate and could have advised you poorly. I’m sorry that this has happened to you. You have a right to be upset. Try to keep your motivation and keep hunting for roles. Hopefully an even better one will come soon.

The comments here are hilarious. You can't just copy someone's CV. The fact she got the job shows she had the right answers.. moreso than you. Not everyone in the world is an unprofessional snide - the fact she gave you very generic feedback and didn't try and sabotage you says a lot. She may have already applied by that point. The assumptions here are wild. You need to take some time to be hurt and then move on.