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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend got job she knew I wanted

833 replies

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:39

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset Sad Sad Angry Angry

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 17/02/2021 17:51

This is a real blow and I would be devastated too, but it's not Debbie's fault. Nobody makes career decisions for someone else's benefit and I'm sure you would have done the same in her shoes.

Sucks though. Flowers

Createsuser · 17/02/2021 17:51

Sorry. That’s really unprofessional.

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 17:51

Can you apply for Debbies old job?
wise advice

IthinkIm · 17/02/2021 17:52

How do you know she got it?

winterinmadeira · 17/02/2021 17:52

I mean this nicely but you applied, got to the final stage (well done on achieving that as every job seems super competitive at the moment) but at the end of the day even if she hadn’t applied you may still not have got the job. We will never know but take away some learning and don’t tell anyone again.

Fatladyslim · 17/02/2021 17:53

@Createsuser

Sorry. That’s really unprofessional.
What is?

She might have applied before OP even asked for her advice!

ilikebooksandplants · 17/02/2021 17:54

I work in a niche sector in a friendly work place. Every job I’ve ever applied for I’ve been up against my friends and you just can’t think like this.

Congratulate her and ask her for tips and a heads up next time there’s an opening. You never know, it could work in your favour to have a friend working there next time a position becomes open.

BlusteryLake · 17/02/2021 17:54

Whilst this is frustrating, that's professional life. The only situation in which you could be reasonably aggrieved is if she hadn't heard of the opportunity and it was via your contact that she applied.

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 17:54

@Createsuser

Sorry. That’s really unprofessional.
what is?

Using a "mentor" when you believe you are superior to them?

Or applying for a job? Confused

SarahAndQuack · 17/02/2021 17:55

I think it's fine, and natural, to be upset. But she did nothing wrong.

I work in a very small field, where we all know each other. I have literally never applied for a job where I didn't know at least one of the other candidates well; I've been on shortlists where we all knew each other; I've been up for a job against a very close friend (neither of us got it).

It's just in the nature of work. You have to swallow your disappointment and tell her congratulations - and you hope that in the future her mentoring will pay off for you anyway.

Original poster
fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:58

Debbie's old job is not anywhere near me (she moved for it) but we still connected online.

The job was advertised on the company's website and they are not a well known company. I'm not convinced she came by it herself. I honestly believe she found out from me.

She is a very capable person and has lots of skills but not that particular skill. I'm just saying that as a fact because the company takes great pains to promote itself as an employer that values that skill. So I do wonder if she was honest with the employer.

I know I sound bitter, I'm just really mad that she couldn't at least have SAID she was applying too and/or said she couldn't advise me?

she's not more qualified or experienced than me, she just had experience with a particular type of employer that I was thinking about moving into (and the job she's now gotten is nothing like that employer so our difference experiences is unlikely to have been a factor).

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 17/02/2021 17:58

@Createsuser

Sorry. That’s really unprofessional.
Yes it is, and if she had any decency she should have disclosed to you that she was interested too and took a step back from reviewing your application, as it’s a big conflict. I think the replies on here are very harsh.
notalwaysalondoner · 17/02/2021 17:58

She was quite backhanded to not tell you she was applying too, to be honest. But if she got the job, they must have thought she was better for some reason, often internal candidates are strongly preferred as they know they have a cultural fit etc. I would NOT burn your bridges but keep in touch with her, maybe ask her if her old job is open.

KitchenFairy · 17/02/2021 18:00

Well the one advantage she absolutely had over you was that she saw your application, which would have given her the opportunity to strengthen up any areas in her application that she thought may have been lacking in yours.

She had an advantage in that she knew all she needed to know about one other candidate - you.

You obviously have to chalk this up to experience. There is nothing you can do about it now.

It’s one of those things where you’ll never truly know whether she would have firstly seen the job advertised had you not given her the heads up, and secondly, got the job over and above you had she not seen your application.

Atrixie · 17/02/2021 18:00

When you get to a certain level in your career there is a limited pool of suitable candidates and you all get approached / interview for the same jobs. You’ll see a few of the same roles advertised in a short period of time and then not at all for another 3 years. It’s because the people at that level are all moving into each other’s roles. It’s gutting but it’s not a problem although annoying

theotherfossilsister · 17/02/2021 18:01

Something very similar happened to me once and it's so hard not to be bitter and feel taken advantage of. It will take a while to let it go, but you do need to. I'm a, it really sucks.

I wrote a nice email to the friend who did this to me, saying I was hurt but I understood, and she never replied. Ah well.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 17/02/2021 18:01

YABU sorry. I get your disappointment but I bet if "Debbie" had come on here and asked if she should apply for the job she would have been told to go for it and further her career. She hasn't done anything wrong in taking an opportunity.

KitchenFairy · 17/02/2021 18:02

And yes it was really unprofessional of her to ‘help’ you by looking over your application knowing she too was applying for the job.

Original poster
fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 18:07

Thank you to the PPs

The main thing that's bothering me is that she could have said something and/or declined to help.

The second thing that's bothering me is that I'm very sure she found out about the job from me.

And then there is the fact I am more qualified and experienced. I was only using her as a mentor because her type of employer was something I was considering e.g I was in an LA employer and she was in HE doing a similar job. Now I'm unemployed and she's never been unemployed, she's just transitioned smoothly. She didn't need this job.

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry · 17/02/2021 18:07

I genuinely don't understand the mentor thing Confused if you are so much more skilled and qualified than her it literally makes zero sense..

Andylion · 17/02/2021 18:07

Yes it is, and if she had any decency she should have disclosed to you that she was interested too and took a step back from reviewing your application, as it’s a big conflict.
I think the replies on here are very harsh.

I agree with this.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 17/02/2021 18:09

Who has a mentor who is less qualified?

Hhusky · 17/02/2021 18:09

Maybe she didn't want to tell you she was going for it as she didn't want to hurt your confidence. I get you're annoyed but she didn't owe you not to go for it if it was the right move for her.

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2021 18:10

If you found it in a website then presumably so could she and even if she did find out from you, you can’t expect someone not to throw their hat in for a job they wanted just because of your connection.

She should however have told you she was interested and declined to review your application, although given you got through to the final stages it seems that you were able to give it your best shot.

ErickBroch · 17/02/2021 18:11

I think you need to take some space. Honestly, your ego is quite shocking and could partially be why you did not get the job?