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Original poster

friend got job she knew I wanted

833 replies

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:39

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset Sad Sad Angry Angry

OP posts:
gnashingsalt · 17/02/2021 18:26

you sound nice

CorianderBee · 17/02/2021 18:26

A jobs a job. Nobody gets dibs. And she's not your friend, she was a colleague.

wifterwafter · 17/02/2021 18:26

I can understand the sour grapes but if she didn't get the job then someone else might have done.

I would grit your teeth, offer her your congratulations, ask her was it through you she knew and suggest you were upset she didn't say she was applying too.

More importantly I'd ask the company why you were unsuccessful and what the winning candidate had that you lacked. Ask for their feedback.

QueenOfPain · 17/02/2021 18:27

OP, I get why this stings. I don’t think I would be accessing Debbie’s mentorship in future either.

Something else will come along, don’t worry.

wifterwafter · 17/02/2021 18:27

Sorry that's just crossed with your post. Them saying they like all the candidates doesn't explain what skills you might have lacked. Maybe it's a personality thing perhaps.

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 18:27

but I will definitely never trust her again and be careful around her.

How long have you been working?!?

People around you go for promotion without telling you, apply for other jobs, become your boss or your competitor. That's life, they are doing nothing wrong. It's more than advisable to be quiet about all of it.

Don't come and pretend you would ever decline a job or promotion because your friend wants it more so she can have it...

Ihearab · 17/02/2021 18:28

Now I'm unemployed and she's never been unemployed, she's just transitioned smoothly. She didn't need this job.

See this comes across so badly. She may need the job - she might be in a redundancy round, she may need to move back to the area for person reasons.

Seriously suck it up - I’d feel a bit annoyed too but she’s done nothing wrong. Your friends saying she’s broken an eethical code are just trying to make you feel better tbh. And besides which - what are you planning on doing? Reporting it to the nee employer?

Oblomov21 · 17/02/2021 18:28

I disagree with most of the posters. I think trust is broken here and you have every reason to feel aggrieved.

Doingitaloneandproud · 17/02/2021 18:29

@fcekinghell

Thank you to the PPs

The main thing that's bothering me is that she could have said something and/or declined to help.

The second thing that's bothering me is that I'm very sure she found out about the job from me.

And then there is the fact I am more qualified and experienced. I was only using her as a mentor because her type of employer was something I was considering e.g I was in an LA employer and she was in HE doing a similar job. Now I'm unemployed and she's never been unemployed, she's just transitioned smoothly. She didn't need this job.

I get why it hurts and why you're upset but if you were the better candidate you would have gotten it. You didn't and she did, so they clearly think she's better suited for them job. Talking about her isn't professional and wouldn't give you a good reputation if it went around. Good luck with your job search.
Pumperthepumper · 17/02/2021 18:30

I can understand why you’re upset, it’s really rubbish to miss out on your dream job.

But I think you’re angry with the wrong person. You don’t know if you would have got it if Debbie hadn’t, you can’t possibly know that. And the employers don’t know that she was your mentor so from their point of view, they picked the strongest candidate.

Lorieandrews · 17/02/2021 18:30

Chartered accountant?

That has a ethic code.

However. In such circumstances I would imagine it would only be broken if you already work for the company.

Going for a job which is the same. Not so much

Going over your application. Grey area

However unless you’re thinking of contacting the company to Let them know. Which I’m not sure would work. Might make you look bad. Because they might come back and say but she was the better employee job wise

Very grey area all over really.

My advice would be to let it go. Don’t speak to her again and never trust anyone. People will always take advantage sadly

Pumperthepumper · 17/02/2021 18:30

Also, it’s not fair to say she didn’t need this job. You can’t know that.

Lorieandrews · 17/02/2021 18:31

The other problem

If it’s such a small niche area. Letting the company know you believe she broke the ethic code.

You’ll then be known. It wouldn’t be a problem in such a large profession. But if it’s as niche and as small as you say. I wouldn’t do it.

Pancakeorcrepe · 17/02/2021 18:31

Maybe you can apply for her old job?

purpledagger · 17/02/2021 18:31

Technically, she hasn't done anything wrong in applying for the role, because neither of you decide the outcome. But she should have told you that she was going to apply and not got involved in your application.

I think all you can do is to congratulate her and slowly back away from the mentoring relationship.

Go back to the company and ask for feedback so you know where you need to focus on for the future.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/02/2021 18:31

She looked over your application?

Probably copied it, rewording in her own fashion. You dropped the job into her lap.

If you need a mentor less qualified than you + need her to look over your job applications then you likely need more self-belief.

A lesson learned. People aren't always as nice and helpful as you presume them to be. Nothing you can do about it now and of course it's upsetting. But at least you can wise up for the future

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2021 18:31

Bummer.

So, do you still want to be in the field where Debbie works? I guess not if she’s now applying for jobs in your field, but you’re not interested in applying for hers.

Obviously you need to kill this with kindness despite the hurt you are feeling, contact Debbie and say you’ve heard she got the job, “bit gutted of course because I was also through to the last round- not sure if you knew? But hopefully we’ll be able to work together at some point when another time comes up Smile”

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2021 18:32

She’s not your friend, she’s a work related acquaintance.
I dint blame her for applying at all. You dont know it was her vs you, you might have been 3rd or 4th choice. For some reason they didn’t give the job to you, it’s not her fault
You ate quite reasonably upset you didn’t get the job but you can’t blame Debbie

Standrewsschool · 17/02/2021 18:32

Maybe it was also Debbie’s dream job.

BlueTimes · 17/02/2021 18:33

I’m sorry and I can understand why you are annoyed by it but Debbie didn’t take your job. The interview panel decided she was the right person for the job and you weren’t. It’s quite possible you weren’t even second choice or wouldn’t have been offered it no matter what. It’s not always done to having essential experience or qualifications but fitting in.

m0therofdragons · 17/02/2021 18:34

People at work are not your friends. Would you honestly give up applying for a job you want because a colleague or a person you’ve only linked with on video calls wants it?! That would be bonkers! You’re understandably disappointed and she shouldn’t have read your application but really, she said your application was good and it clearly was because you got interview. She interviewed better than you. That’s the reality. So it wasn’t the right role for you this time. Deep breath and keep going and something better will come up but don’t be bitter with what ifs.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 17/02/2021 18:35

It may have also been Debbie's dream job. Very presumptuous of you to assume she only knew about the job because you mentioned it.

I can understand the sour grapes, for sure, but it really is just one of those things.

Bourbonbiccy · 17/02/2021 18:35

I don't know why she got it over me but she definitely does not have a key essential skill they asked for (and I do).

Yes but they still chose her.
She was the better candidate for them.
It's a hard pill to swallow for you, but you really need to just see it for what it is, you were not their top candidate. Your mentor did nothing wrong.

Clymene · 17/02/2021 18:35

She should have told you she was also interested in the job. And then you could have decided how much or how little you wanted to tell her about your application.

And no, she's definitely not your friend. Let's hope she doesn't meet you in a future role.

I really hope you find something even better very soon.

Playnoh · 17/02/2021 18:36

Op @fcekinghell she is an acquaintance your happiness doesn’t trump hers(to her) she may have already been applying. You say you have more experience then why was she your mentor? You don’t always know everything about everyone. You are just assuming. You sound very spoiled as if she owes you something? She does not.

Like a previous poster said, if you were the best candidate the job would be yours, your just looking for someone to blame.