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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend got job she knew I wanted

833 replies

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:39

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset

OP posts:

WildWaterSwimmer · 17/02/2021 18:11

She betrayed your trust and showed herself to lack moral fibre. You are right to feel let down by your mentor.

RedHelenB · 17/02/2021 18:11

Yabu. How on earth can you be more qualified and experienced for this job than your mentor?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 17/02/2021 18:12

She got the job, fair enough but l think the issue is she didn't tell you she was applying. Yep that would upset me too.

Dyrne · 17/02/2021 18:17

I don’t think Debbie did anything wrong here - it’s ridiculous to think that someone should put their own career progression on hold so that someone else may or may not be in with a chance.

And if she found out about the vacancy from you - well, that’s exactly what mentoring is for isn’t it? To network and find new opportunities? You don’t own the vacancy and if it was up on a public website it’s fair game.

The only iffy thing is her inputting on your application, but from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like she dragged it out, just gave basic generic feedback and wished you luck.

Original poster

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 18:18

I'm trying not to be outing. I don't want to say what kind of job, qualifications etc we do. Its quite common in our field to have mentors of different qualifications and experience though.

And now I come to think of it, the mentoring was kind of mutual as she asked me a lot about my job and qualifications over the years and I gave her lots of useful links so she probably learned a lot from me that she could have used in her application, not just my application itself.

Have spoken to two other trusted people in our field about this (who haven't seen any of my applications lol), who reckon she's broken our industry code of conduct around confidentiality and ethics. Again I can't say too much about the industry or the code of conduct.

OP posts:

Diva66 · 17/02/2021 18:18

Apply for her old job.

viques · 17/02/2021 18:20

But she did help you, she looked over your application and assured you it was good, which it was because it helped you to get an initial interview. She did what mentors do.

Unless she deliberately sabotaged your application, which she clearly didn’t , then she was offered the job fair and square. And you don’t know if you would have been offered it even if she hadn’t applied (unless you were the only two left in the process at the end) .

I would congratulate her, keep in touch with her, and ask her to keep you posted about any other jobs she hears about. You never know.

SoulofanAggron · 17/02/2021 18:20

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I?

@fcekinghell No, you weren't to know she would do that. You trusted her as she'd been your mentor and kept in touch, you considered her a friend.

It was sneaky of her. I think you're right that she heard about the job from you.

You do seem to have a bit of a superiority complex in general, though.

Maybe you could let her know how you feel? Ask her why she didn't tell you she'd applied. If she's a bit of a crap friend you have nothing to lose.

Lockheart · 17/02/2021 18:20

She's not your friend, she's your work mentor.

You have no idea if she'd applied for this job before you did.

She has done nothing wrong by taking a job which she was offered. It is disappointing for you and I am sorry you didn't get it, but you're taking this far too personally.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/02/2021 18:20

Have you asked for feedback from the interview panel?

Desperado40 · 17/02/2021 18:21

YANBU and I am really surprised with all replies. It seems a really unethical thing to do, if you are a mentor just to find out about job opportunities and steal jobs from potential candidates you are supposed to be helping in the first place. I would notify whoever assigned the mentor, as this seems very fishy. Can she still be mentoring in a new role? Perhaps I have misunderstood, but a mentor to me would be an impartial helper, not competition. If anything, she was very unprofessional not to disclose she applied for the job she was coaching you for.

whatsleep · 17/02/2021 18:21

The fact that she got the job is neither here or there. However, when you approached her to check over your application she should have told you she was also applying for the job so it wouldn’t really be appropriate.

OhCaptain · 17/02/2021 18:22

@fcekinghell

I'm trying not to be outing. I don't want to say what kind of job, qualifications etc we do. Its quite common in our field to have mentors of different qualifications and experience though.

You’re being horrible and vindictive.

They clearly saw something in her that they wanted. Now you’re bitching to colleagues and talking about breaching codes of ethics?

You sound immature and mean-spirited. Maybe the employer picked up on that?

Hankunamatata · 17/02/2021 18:22

Have you messaged her to confirm she got the job?

BloggersBlog · 17/02/2021 18:22

Does she know that you know? I would have to send her a "congratulations on your new job bitch" message to see what she says!

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 18:23

Now I'm unemployed and she's never been unemployed, she's just transitioned smoothly. She didn't need this job.

You are massively U here.

You being unemployed is your problem only, why do you think you should get first pick on any job?

She has done nothing wrong, even in keeping quiet about her own application.

Of course it's gutting, but not being selected always is.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 17/02/2021 18:24

She absolutely should have told you she was applying and taken a big step back from helping you with your application.

But in terms of where she found out about the job, it's a bit of a reach to suggest your mentor - someone you've chosen to help with your development - isn't capable of reading a job ads board.

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 18:24

@BloggersBlog

Does she know that you know? I would have to send her a "congratulations on your new job bitch" message to see what she says!

"Thank you"?

Unless they are international spies of some kind, her new job is hardly a secret

grapewine · 17/02/2021 18:24

So she should have slowed down her career progression for you? You both interviewed, I guess? Clearly, she was seen as the better candidate. It's tough, but she didn't do anything wrong.

Moondust001 · 17/02/2021 18:24

So she was not your friend. She was a mentor that your asked for. She didn't promise to put her progression on hold for you. Your being of of work is also irrelevant.

It was a free and fair competition. You're disappointed you didn't get the job. But falling into the fugue state of its not fair, she isn't as good as you, and other assorted complaints is unreasonable. Get over it. And even if your were right - you were using her for your own ends, so how would it be unfair if she did the same? Best person gets the job, and move on with life.

Original poster

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 18:25

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you asked for feedback from the interview panel?

Yes, they said they liked all the applicants and they hope to recruit again later in the year and if so they will be back in touch so I cannot say anything to Debbie in case we end up working together but I will definitely never trust her again and be careful around her. I'll also keep looking for other jobs too but as I said, that was my dream job.

OP posts:

SteveBrexit · 17/02/2021 18:25

Have spoken to two other trusted people in our field about this (who haven't seen any of my applications lol), who reckon she's broken our industry code of conduct around confidentiality and ethics.

I sincerely hope they are professional enough to make judgement not based on your side of the story only...

And you wonder why Debbie kept her mouth shut! She did well!

gavisconismyfriend · 17/02/2021 18:25

If she saw your CV application before you submitted it and used that to inform her application then that’s really underhand. If she doesn’t have a skill that’s required and has pretended she does (based on what she’s learnt from you) then chances are she may get her comeuppance. Watch for the job being readvertised at the end of what would have been her probationary period......

viques · 17/02/2021 18:25

And btw if your industry is as niche as you appear to think it is , then talking to other people about this as you seem to have been doing is pretty well bound to either get back to her, or give you a reputation for being snide. Neither is a good move.

And unless she lifted your covering letter and application word for word she hasn’t broken any “code of ethics” by applying for a job on the open market .

Serin · 17/02/2021 18:26

That's pretty low of her to read the job application of a rival. She should have declared her interest right there and backed away.

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