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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

212 replies

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 15:00

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

OP posts:
Maireas · 17/02/2021 15:04

Use the name for your baby. It clearly means a lot to you and would be a way of remembering your other child.
Best of luck x

Same4Walls · 17/02/2021 15:04

Firstly congratulations and sorry for your loss. Flowers

I think it would be a lovely sentiment as a middle name but if I put myself in your child's position I honestly wouldn't want to have the name as my first name.

That name belongs to his brother. Personally I would feel an incredibly large amount of pressure to live up to their memory if I had been named after an angel baby.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/02/2021 15:04

I wouldn't/couldn't. Similarly named a baby I miscarried and I think of that name as that baby's name.

farandfew · 17/02/2021 15:06

I'm so sorry for your loss, and congratulations on your pregnancy! I personally wouldn't because I'd be afraid it would make me sad, but if this is how you and DP want to honour your son then go for it. How does your DP feel about it?

LOLbebe · 17/02/2021 15:06

Personally, no I wouldn't. They aren't just a living relative, they are their sibling who unfortunately passed away. I think it would bring up a lifetime of issues, and is not fair in new baby who deserves their own identity. I wonder if you may feel differently as time passes? However, that is my personal opinion and each to their own. Sorry for your loss, and best wishes with new baby Flowers

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 15:07

First of all, so sorry for your loss Flowers

I’m afraid I wouldn’t. You gave that name to your first baby, and I think if your second child got wind of this he would feel like a replacement/ not enough, even if that is far from the case.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/02/2021 15:07

As a 1st name, no. As a middle name, yes.

Spanglebangle · 17/02/2021 15:08

Could you spell it differently, double barrel it with something else or use it as a middle name?

ILoveAnOwl · 17/02/2021 15:09

Congratulations on your pregnant y and sorry for your loss. With regards to the name, my friend's parents did this and he hated it. He felt like he had to live up to the impossible expectations of what his brother could've been. Could you use it as a middle name?

LaceyBetty · 17/02/2021 15:09

I understand your considering this and wouldn't worry about what other people think But, my reason for not doing so would be the impact on your rainbow baby knowing they have the angel baby's name. I honestly don't know what that impact would be, if at any, but it would be by reason for not doing so. Sorry for your loss and congratulations!

PutOnAHappyFace · 17/02/2021 15:09

So sorry for your loss.

I personally wouldn't. I'm pregnant now after losing our baby girl and I wouldn't use her name because that's her name but it's whatever feels right for you.

naptune · 17/02/2021 15:09

I personally wouldn’t, but it’s up to you and your husband

bridgetreilly · 17/02/2021 15:10

I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost.

Right. I think the question is more whether your second child will understand that, or whether they will feel like a replacement with a perfect 'angel' child to live up to. Personally I would give them the name as a middle name, but give them their own first name, so that they always know they are loved and wanted as their own person.

smudgemylife · 17/02/2021 15:11

I echo the above posters OP, sorry but I wouldn't do this.

As an aside, your family will love any name you choose for a child and will make all the right noises, regardless of what they really think. So don't worry about picking a name that is as loved. They could hardly tell you they didn't like it once you'd announced it could they.

MagnoliaBeige · 17/02/2021 15:12

Definitely as a middle name, definitely not as a first name. I wouldn’t run the risk of my second child wondering if they were a replacement for the first child, even if that’s not the case.

It’s a different pregnancy, a different child, they should have their own name.

StarsShiningUpAboveYou · 17/02/2021 15:12

So sorry about your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

My second child is named after my stillborn baby. I had changed the spelling though. Think Jade to Jayde (not the name by the way) There is nothing wrong with it. In my opinion, its such a lovely thing to do. ❤

CodenameVillanelle · 17/02/2021 15:12

Don't do this. It's not ok

2bazookas · 17/02/2021 15:12

In Scotland (and possibly elsewhere) , back when losing a child in infancy was common, some parents would name a new baby after their previously lost child. You can see evidence this on the stones in in old graveyards. I imagine it was comforting, a way of honouring the memory of the first child, and linking two precious children who would never know each other.

 If you want to use that special  name again,   you're far from the first family to do that.  So don't let anyone hold you back.
ShulamithFirestone · 17/02/2021 15:13

Use the name.

So sorry that you lost your first baby. Naming your second one after him is a beautiful idea.

Thanks
ivfbeenbusy · 17/02/2021 15:13

I've had several miscarriages in the past - personally I wouldn't use the name again as a first name - maybe a middle name?

I'd feel like I was replacing the baby I had lost with the new one. That it was all about the name and nothing else - Personally I don't think names are interchangeable or reusable in a situation like this

ShalomToYouJackie · 17/02/2021 15:15

Sorry for your loss. To answer your question, I couldn't do this. You say you know the second child isn't a replacement for the first but if I found out my name was the same as my deceased sibling I'd find it really odd/uncomfortable and would feel like a replacement

FilthyforFirth · 17/02/2021 15:15

No think of you child constantly living in their siblings shadow. They wouldnt feel like their own person. Agree use as a middle name.

Sorry for your loss.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 15:16

Do you feel up to telling us the name, and people might be able to help you come up with a name that you might love just as much? Obviously don’t worry if you wouldn’t find this helpful.

recklessruby · 17/02/2021 15:17

I m sorry for your loss but I wouldn't name a new child the same name as a lost baby.
Maybe use the middle name so you keep it but give the new baby their own personal only for him name.
I lost a baby halfway through pregnancy in the late 80s and gave her a name.
When dd was born mid 90s I gave her a different name altogether. To be honest she wouldn't have "suited" the lost baby s name.
Sometimes you will look at your newborn baby and just know a name fits or doesn't work.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

hulahooper2 · 17/02/2021 15:18

Could you use it as a middle name ? When your child is old enough to understand I think they could be upset about it