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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

212 replies

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 15:00

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

OP posts:
SummerBlondey · 17/02/2021 16:09

I'm confused. Was your baby 15 weeks old, or are you saying you had a miscarriage? I'm assuming it must be the former, given you talk about funerals. In which case, I would say this was a bad idea. Sorry for your loss, my own parents lost 2 children - one aged 4 days and one aged 4 months. They never got over it. My Mum is now buried with them.

Coconutfatfeast · 17/02/2021 16:10

It’s not ‘rainbow baby’ terminology that causes children to feel like this. It’s probably the unresolved trauma/PTSD/depression from the loss of their child that’s understandably impacted the parent’s ability to parent the next child. And a consequence of the fact that there has historically been very little support for miscarriage and stillbirth and women have been expected to sweep it under the carpet. It’s not a new thing.

1forAll74 · 17/02/2021 16:10

In your situation of losing your last baby due to a miscarriage at 15 weeks, and naming your baby, I would not name your forthcoming son with the same name, for the reasons most have stated on here.

I had a sudden miscarriage at almost 15 weeks, down at the bottom of my garden,and all alone, but many years ago, 70's era. We hadn't named the baby, as scans were not used much then, if at all. But my late Husband and myself didn't want to know the sex of our baby anyway.

But maybe use your chosen name as a middle name for your new son.

Megan2018 · 17/02/2021 16:10

I wouldn't , no way. It's an awful burden for your second child.

Middle name is a lovely tribute. First name is really creepy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but your second child needs to be their own person with their own name and identity.

If your first child had lived, you would need a new name for your second child, it shouldn't be any different because your first child died.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/02/2021 16:11

Sorry for your loss but please be really honest with yourself. How would you have felt about this if your DParents had done this to you? Someone will tell him. He will always feel that he comes second to the 'real' Samuel (or whatever the same is).

And I don't mean this unkindly - and I know you mean it in a lovely way - but it isn't the new baby's job to honour the son you lost, or to be the receptacle for your memories of him, as precious as they are. You need to keep the two separate, for everyone's sake.

Queenoftheashes · 17/02/2021 16:12

I was a rainbow baby and given the same name as my older sibling who died shortly after birth one year before I was born.

I have never had a problem with this. Clearly some do but I like the fact that I share my name with my sibling who isn't here. It's a connection. I haven't ever felt for example like I was competing for my identity or like a consolation prize or anything like that. I'm kind of offended by people declaring that it is "not ok". They don't speak for me and I wonder what else happened to make people who didn't appreciate this gesture feel like that.

Kerry987 · 17/02/2021 16:13

I wouldn't. Not as a first name and nor as middle name either.

You chosen that name for your first child and should choose a different for your second child. I would not name a child after someone who has died

2021mumma · 17/02/2021 16:13

I’m so sorry for your loss. I personally wouldn’t, having it as a middle name would be lovely as you are honouring and remembering your first baby but giving your new baby a new first name

timeforanother1 · 17/02/2021 16:14

I think you could use it 💙

Only really close people would know anyway and the memory of your first would live on

Coconutfatfeast · 17/02/2021 16:14

@Queenoftheashes Completely agree

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/02/2021 16:16

Sorry for your loss, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I absolutely wouldn't do this. It's different to naming a baby after a father, grandfather etc because had your first child not passed away you wouldn't be giving this baby the same name as his sibling.

Also. and I mean this as sensitively as I can, I doubt very much indeed that any of your family members would have said if they weren't keen on a name that had been given retrospectively to an angel baby. And with social media I think it would be very hard to be confident your new son will never find out the circumstances of his name especially as it's so unusual. It's too big a risk to take.

AbstractHeart · 17/02/2021 16:18

You only grew to like this name so much because of the positive reinforcement (nice comments) you received about it and the fact that it's become familiar. Pick another name for your Rainbow baby and you'll feel just as positively about that eventually.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/02/2021 16:19

A family that lives in the same town as me lost their dd in tragic circumstances last year, the couple now have a baby ds, and have given him the same name, with slightly different spelling, no one has commented that it's not appropriate or a bad idea, so what I'm saying is if that's what you want to do, go for it, its your baby and you can call them whatever you wish.

pippiphooray1 · 17/02/2021 16:19

@MeekPoster I haven’t read all the replies, but I just wanted to say it can be hard for surviving child to carry the name as almost a ‘legacy’. It’s your decision entirely, but it an emotional issue that may reach beyond you.

Best of luck with your pregnancy Flowers

CeibaTree · 17/02/2021 16:20

If you hadn't told people the name and it was just between you and your DH, I would use the name, but because you have told people the name they will always associate your new child with the tragic loss of their sibling and that's a lot to saddle a new little person with. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly :)

fruitbrewhaha · 17/02/2021 16:20

No, use a new name. As others have said it's not fair to the child to give him the same name.

Your reasoning for wanting to use the name again, that your family said it was so lovely, is somewhat flawed. I'm sure it's a nice name, but they were hardly going to say anything different. There are plenty of nice names that will be individual to your baby.

oakleaffy · 17/02/2021 16:21

Not heard of “Rainbow Baby” but any child born after the loss of a child previously has a certain burden to bear..
It is natural that a bereaved parent will “
Cleave” to the subsequent child.. DH was the only living child of his parents- pre eclampsia-and he did find it tricky at times, growing up as his sisters were the angelic babes who did no wrong..
I

anotherlongwalk · 17/02/2021 16:21

If you want to use it op then do.

I had my heart set on a particular name if I ever had a DD. I had several MC but each time I was pregnant I would refer to it as the name. I would have still used that name if I'd gone on the have a living daughter.

You could always gives middle names to draw distinction if it makes you feel better.

And without sounding harsh (like I say I've had several MC myself) MC at 15 weeks isn't like having a still birth when it may be a bit more emotionally difficult to reuse the name.

NewtoHolland · 17/02/2021 16:23

I wouldn't, I think also and this sounds incredibly harsh but is meant as honesty people will have been very very positive about that name as part of a means of providing comfort to you at such a heartbreaking time so part of that amazing energy you associate with the name is people's love for you, not necessarily their love of that name. If that makes sense.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 17/02/2021 16:25

Firstly, it is entirely up to you.

In practical terms, though, could this make it harder for you to speak about your first child?

'When I was pregnant with Jack - my oldest Jack' for example? You'd need to clarify which Jack you were talking about each time and maybe even stop using his name altogether so you didn't have to do that, but giving each separate names means that your first baby is always clearly your first?

user0987654 · 17/02/2021 16:29

Sorry for your loss Thanks

I personally wouldn't for two reasons, for you it would be a continual reminder of your loss, for him it would probably feel as if he was a replacement for his brother (even if that isn't in any way the intention it would be really hard not to feel like it)

Flittingaboutagain · 17/02/2021 16:32

Sorry for your loss

I had a name for the baby I lost and it will always be the name meant for that baby. I'm pregnant now and I just couldn't. I also wouldn't want my child to grow up knowing they were "second" in that way like a shadow of what was never to be.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/02/2021 16:37

A friend of mine has a very similar name to her elder sister, who died before my friend was born. E.g. her sister was Joanna and my friend was Breanna. She liked the link to her older sister but there was no question of her being a replacement. How about something like that?

MissMarpleDarling · 17/02/2021 16:39

Haven't and wouldn't. They are different babies. I did as a middle name.

EssentialHummus · 17/02/2021 16:49

I was debating this with DH because of a similar situation. In our case DD chose a name for the baby we lost - a bonkers one, but we had decided to use it by the time we lost him. There was a whole other backstory to it which was important in our lives at the time.

We now, after a lot of back and forth, wouldn’t use the name as a first name or middle. We commemorated the lost DC in a way that felt right but I in particular feel like his name was/is his, not to re-used for a sibling even in an apparent tribute.