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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

212 replies

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 15:00

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

OP posts:
Timpeall · 17/02/2021 18:01

@Itsjustaride8w737

My stepmother did this.

My brother constantly gets referred to as 'Alive Jonathan' by distant relatives etc. He hates it.

Please give baby their own name.

Yikes.

That is fucked up.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 17/02/2021 18:02

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I don't understand any of this angel rainbow baby stuff, feels like mawkish nonsense to me. I also don't understand referring to a miscarriage by name as if it was an actual born baby (and I've had one later than 15 weeks)...but my opinion is just mine. You should do as you want. I think its weird though and not very nice for a child to be named after a miscarried foetus.
What a completely cuntish opinion to freely give on a thread full of bereaved mothers.

My baby was born at 21+4, alive and moving, he has a name, he was baptised and he had a funeral. He was not a "miscarried foetus"

Lelophants · 17/02/2021 18:05

How will you refer to your angel baby? Special Name 1 and then you have Special Name 2?

ElderMillennial · 17/02/2021 18:06

No I think it is a strange thing to do tbh. I lost a baby at 40 weeks a couple of years ago and it wouldn't occur to me to use the same name. I had thought of using the name as a middle name of rainbow baby if the same sex but that would be to remember the first baby.

You seem to just want to use the name because you like the name and other people have had a positive reaction to it and not to honour your first baby.

Also, and I don't mean this to sound horrible, just to maybe make you feel better about not being able to use the name again... those people saying how lovely and unusual it is might not mean it. Maybe they're just being polite.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 17/02/2021 18:06

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise reading that was like a jolt to my soul. Bless you and your baby Flowers

Justmuddlingalong · 17/02/2021 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saraclara · 17/02/2021 18:07

To do otherwise would be to put your (understandable) desire for comfort at this time above their lifelong need to be their own person, loved for themselves.

I wish I'd said that. Because it's very much what I feel. This child has to come first.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/02/2021 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeadButDelicious · 17/02/2021 18:12

I have seen some unthinking things said on this site @SurvivalIsInsufficient but that takes the cake.

I birthed my daughter, held my daughter, rocked her. Counted her fingers and toes. We gave her a name and had a funeral for her. She was, is and always be my daughter.

You may not 'understand' it and that's fine everyone's experience is different but to come on a thread where OP is going through a difficult time and say something like that is just cruel.

SlipperTripper · 17/02/2021 18:12

@Justmuddlingalong after the particularly dickish comment from a previous poster got me really, REALLY pissy, your crusty flip flop actually made me smile - thank you :-)

RichPetunia · 17/02/2021 18:12

Don’t. Your child will feel like a replacement rather than special in their own right.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/02/2021 18:13

You should do what you want and what feels right to you. I think if I had a late loss I probably would have reused the name too. It’s not a strange thing - it’s culturally the norm in nearly all cultures. In some all boys and all girls have the first name so you wouldn’t be doing anything weird.

So just go for it Flowers

SlipperTripper · 17/02/2021 18:13

(I wasn't don't think I need to clarify which dickish comment I'm talking about?)

Justmuddlingalong · 17/02/2021 18:15

@SlipperTripper 😳 I'm mortified. I've reported it twice, and I apologise to everyone in the thread.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/02/2021 18:23

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I don't understand any of this angel rainbow baby stuff, feels like mawkish nonsense to me. I also don't understand referring to a miscarriage by name as if it was an actual born baby (and I've had one later than 15 weeks)...but my opinion is just mine. You should do as you want. I think its weird though and not very nice for a child to be named after a miscarried foetus.
I come from a culture that doesn’t consider children as worth funeral rites until the age of 5. So many infant and child deaths in our historic past that Mothers were told to just assume their babies were going to die and keep producing new ones. A still birth or early loss was all the same and you were expected to grieve and move on quickly.

But even my grandmother who was as tough as old boots wouldn’t have told a grieving mum that choosing to name her child after one who died was weird or accused her of being mawkish. Or inferred that late losses aren’t real babies. In many cases after 14 weeks you are giving birth to a live baby who is too young for life saving treatment and so all you can do is hold them. You can’t even comfort them with breastmilk sometimes because they either can’t suckle or it would prolong the agony.

So please don’t dismiss other mum’s opinions here.

whenyouseemyface · 17/02/2021 18:23

No don't do it. Your baby will become the new name you pick.

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 17/02/2021 18:28

I didn't realise opinions were only ok from those that felt exactly the same? I've had 4 m/c between 12 and 17 weeks...I can assure you my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's and there is no reason I can't call a miscarried foetus exactly that; it is what it is.

As I said, my opinion is just my own, and why am I not entitled to it? I've earned it. Don't judge me when you haven't been there.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 17/02/2021 18:33

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I didn't realise opinions were only ok from those that felt exactly the same? I've had 4 m/c between 12 and 17 weeks...I can assure you my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's and there is no reason I can't call a miscarried foetus exactly that; it is what it is.

As I said, my opinion is just my own, and why am I not entitled to it? I've earned it. Don't judge me when you haven't been there.

Would you say it to someone's face? If they were talking about the late loss of their much wanted baby, you'd call it a "miscarried foetus"? To their face?

And I am judging you.

Original poster
MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 18:33

@Queenoftheashes I appreciate you sharing your experience. Sadly, it appears that your view is in the minority on this post. I had hoped with my whole heart that this would be the way my second son would come to understand his name. But now I'm nervous this is a risk not work taking. I'm so glad to know that you have formed a special connection with the memory of your older sibling through your shared names.

OP posts:
Timpeall · 17/02/2021 18:37

I agree with whoever said way back that it's not fair to connect him to the baby you lost through this prism of grief. And it would be selfish. He will be a person in his own right, not a memorial for the baby you lost. That's what you need to keep in mind. Give him his own name.

VienneseWhirligig · 17/02/2021 18:39

I wouldn't do it, a child needs their own identity. And that includes your angel baby - they have a distinct place in your family and their name signifies them. My child is named after deceased great grandparents, but they are different generations and a different situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

ACovidofWitches · 17/02/2021 18:49

I wouldn't either. I had an ex whose name was something along the lines of John Samuel. He had had a brother who died before he was born named Samuel John. My ex found it extremely difficult to cope with both as a child and as an adult. He had huge worries about having stolen his brothers soul as a young child and as an adult always felt like his brother would have made more of a success of his life. It ate away at him and his mother couldn't reassure him.

Your child deserves his own name.

WannabemoreWeaver · 17/02/2021 18:53

I know that there are lots of people named for relatives etc, but that seems different to being named after a deceased older sibling. I think it would be really hard for that child not to feel like a replacement, to be honest. How will you differentiate between them when you are talking about your family? I am sorry for your rainbow baby, and glad for your angel baby. Whatever you decide, best wishes with it.

LaceyBetty · 17/02/2021 18:57

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I didn't realise opinions were only ok from those that felt exactly the same? I've had 4 m/c between 12 and 17 weeks...I can assure you my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's and there is no reason I can't call a miscarried foetus exactly that; it is what it is.

As I said, my opinion is just my own, and why am I not entitled to it? I've earned it. Don't judge me when you haven't been there.

The opinions you offered were not the ones being sought by the OP. She wasn't asking for your views on terminology for miscarriage and whether your think it's over sentimental or "mawkish" in your words. That is so far from what the OP was about.
Skyla2005 · 17/02/2021 18:59

Sorry for your loss. I personally would t be able to as that name is special to that baby I would try and find one similar or have it as a middle name