To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

[MeekPoster]

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

A friend lost a baby at 2 weeks old through a genetic chromozone disorder. That they only found out once she was born. So she was obviously named and registered. Her second daughter has exactly the same names. She told me it was like changing a tragedy into something positive and she doesn't regret it at all. She doesn't dwell on the fact that the first child is missing or make a big deal of it to her DD.

@MeekPoster I'm sorry for your loss, and keep my fingers crossed that all goes well with this pregnancy.

One thing to consider. How would you feel if, having given this baby the same name, he decides to change it when older? Because it is most likely that he'll feel he's a replacement for your angel baby. And the pressures this brings can be quite subtle, but powerful nevertheless.

And my opinion is that each baby deserves their own identity.

If you felt you could tell us the name of your first baby then we could come up with possible suggestions that are similar or that go nicely with the name as a middle name

I wouldn't do this, even as a middle name. Based on the experiences of others shared in this thread, it seems there's a real risk it will upset your new child at some point I the future. Even if using the name would afford you some comfort now, imagine how you'd feel if, in the future, your new child is angry and upset about being named after your first. It could well prove traumatic for both of you.

I just think that, naturally, you will want to be able to talk about the baby you lost after the new one has arrived, and how will you manage that if they both have the same name? You can't very well call them John One and John Two. However you handled it, I would imagine your son would find it very hard not to feel like a consolation prize. Please tell us the name so we can suggest other names that are similar or which have the same sort of meaning 💐

No I wouldn’t. My rainbow has her older sister’s name as a middle name and I think that is fine and a nice tribute, but they are two separate babies so deserve two names. Also, I often talk about our older daughter so would be bizarre saying ‘your older sister [same name] used to do this’. Congratulations on your rainbow baby!

After reading all 172 comments (at the time I'm writing this) I have made a decision. Firstly, my heart is with all of the mothers on this post who have lost a child at any gestational age. Though I find comfort in hearing your stories, I wish there were fewer broken hearts out there. Forgive any cross-posts in advance as I attempt to address individual messages:
@bridgetreilly @ILoveAnOwl @ShalomToYouJackie
I am really worried that the negative psychological impact on my second child will outweigh any attempt at being sentimental. I agree with all of you that I must treat this new pregnancy as just that and turn my attention towards the life I hope to create for him. I certainly wouldn't want him to feel as though he were in the shadows.
@Megzmoo It really helps to hear from someone who grappled with a similar decision.
@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I really like the idea of choosing a name that is related in a special way. I worry about sharing the name only because it is one that I have yet to see grace any baby book names or popular lists.
@Trying2310 @Thehogfatherstolemycurry @crimsonclover @DicklessWonder and @CovidPostingName Hearing from each of you helped me the most because you were the 'child' in this situation that was named after a sibling or you are in close proximity to a person with this story. It seems to have caused a lot of pain and turmoil to be on the receiving end of this, despite what I'm sure were good intentions.
@nancywhitehead I think you asked a really good question. I think the emotional attachment to the name is coming from the fact that he was my first pregnancy ever at 34 and very much wanted. With everything that 2020 has unleased upon our world, he was our little bright spot and it hurt so much to lose him.
@Paperyfish and @Sevensilverrings How unimaginably sad for both of you to lose children at 41 weeks old and a few days old (respectively) I pray you are finding lots of love and support.
I know there are some major cultural differences when it comes to sharing family names/deceased siblings names. It makes sense that during a time when infant mortality was so common, this practice would have developed. But if I'm being honest, it does seem like something that has mostly fallen out of favor and would likely be setting this baby up for some uncomfortable feelings and emotional upset.
To the many of you that said my family's gushing over the name was most likely to help us through an already difficult time whether they liked the name or not, I agree. It would have been cruel to debate the name once it was already given. But I will say the praise did seem genuine. However, I wonder if the reception had been lukewarm if my love for the name would have been as strong as it is now.
@oakleaffy @Fuckadoodledoooo (love the name, by the way!) and @georgarina (and others, sorry if I have missed you) To you band of a small mighty few who were in favor of my reusing the name, thank you. I think you got the spirit of what I was trying to do. But I am also glad to hear other perspectives. This is why Mumsnet exists after all.

I know there was a bit of a rousing debate about the ethics and morality of using the terms 'rainbow' babies and 'angel babies' etc. To be honest, I have never actually used those terms in real life. I know they are common among the TTC community and I needed a to-the-point way of phrasing the title of this thread. I think to each her own on this one. I think it's a lovely idea but whether you use the words or not, there are the emotions of experiencing pregnancy after miscarriages that is just...different.
So, with all that being said, I have decided not to reuse this name. Instead @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing and others have offered to suggest new names for me and I would love that. I don't feel quite comfortable sharing the name because I worry that this thread may come up if family ever searched babies name. My MIL has been ordering memory boxes and small trinkets with his name on it online so it's entirely possible. But I can get you really close to the name, Hendry. Here are the top names we like right now: Henrik, Lowan, and Everett. We have a fondness for Welsh, Medieval, Old English and Old French names.

Glad the thread has been helpful OP. How about Rowan?

I'm so pleased the thread has been useful for you. You seem a very calm, caring and rational person and no matter which name you choose I think your little boys are both very lucky to have you as their mummy.

YANBU as it's your baby, your loss and your choice as parents.

However.... I do think the fact those close to you know your first child's name it will be a bit weird for them.

It's also possible the things they said to you were just out of kindness. I always compliment names even when I don't like them as it's the kind thing to do. It's possible the name isn't actually as well liked as they told you.

There's also the consideration that it may be hard to talk about your loss now, as you'll not be able to use the name without confusing people.

Personally I wouldn't choose the same name. But like I said, it's your choice and you should follow your heart with it.

Berwin is a Welsh name, it means blessing.

I'm sorry lovely I hadn't seen your update. Ignore my message :)

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I would agree with all those saying your name would be a fabulous tribute to angel baby as a middle name for rainbow baby.

Ignore my comment. I read every page but the last 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Lowan is a beautiful name.

@DeadButDelicious

Berwin is a Welsh name, it means blessing.

I love that.

I have relatives that have done this but the whole name (middle name too) - it hasn't impacted 2nd daughter and except for family, don't thing anyone else knows her name was older sister's name.

I think you have roughly 5 weeks after giving birth to name baby. I would get to know baby first and see you if still feel that this is the name. I would 100% advise no repeat middle names, just something there of there own.

Hi op, I’m late to the thread and I haven’t read it all the way through. I see you have decided not to use the name again. For what it’s worth I think you are making the right decision.
My youngest DD died just before I found out I was expecting my youngest DS. He has grown up knowing about her, but we have never made a big thing out of it for him, we didn’t want him growing up under the weight of the her loss. He has visited her grave with us, as have his older siblings who remember her and we are open about her just as we are about any characteristic of our family.

Anyway, long story short, DS is now five. The other day he was drawing a picture of us all and he included a little angel and said that’s her (using her name). To hear him say he’d name happily and proudly and associate her as part of his family was the nicest feeling. If they shared a name perhaps that would be lost.
There is a reason your first child had that special name. Let it be used for him.
Best of luck op

What a moving thread this has been, your last post especially OP.

All the names that you have mentioned are lovely, I like Lowen very much. All the best with your pregnancy

There are some lovely Old English names for boys - lots of them strong and unusual. How about Eldred, Eldwin, Godric, Willan?

Your last post is absolutely lovely, OP. It's great that you've been so open-minded and receptive, and read everyone's contribution so thoughtfully.

I'm glad that you're now focused on what's best for your new little one, and I'm sure you'll be a great mum.

OP, just to say that you come across as a really lovely , thoughtful person. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious boy, and wish you joy with your new baby

@MeekPoster

My family accepted it with open arms. I don't look at her and think of my baby that died. She has her entire own identity. I have told her about her sisters (they were stillborn twins) and she gets all excited knowing that she shares the same name. I have never & will never expect her to be my first born and I will always tell her that. She has her own uniqueness.

Whatever you chose, it'll be the right decision for you. No one can tell you what you can and can't do whether they've experienced their own loss or not. Xx

I know someone that did this. I think it depends how often you are going to tell the new baby about his older brother and refer to him. If he is referred to daily then I wouldn't. If he never knows about it (unlikely as other people know about it) then maybe I would. I do think personally its different using the name of a baby who was lost so young compared to a baby who had lived. Though in past times due to family naming traditions it was common if you lost an older sibling, at any age, and had a new sibling, youd give him that name so that the naming tradition lived on.

One thing to add is that most people say 'lovely name' when you tell them your babys name, even if they hate it! If they are polite!

@MeekPoster no worries at all about not sharing it - I thought you might not want to, but thought maybe we could help.

I agree with others that Berwin is lovely!

Just sending you some OP. You deserve them.