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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

212 replies

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 15:00

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 17/02/2021 17:01

Also possibly sexist but anecdotally I have found boys are more likely to struggle with the older brother being better thing. Dh is older of 2 sons and his younger brother is even now quite chippy at perceived injustices as dh has done “better”.

My poor grandfather spent his life in the shadow of a golden child older brother who died in an accident at 21. It can be a tricky dynamic between brothers so on balance I wouldn’t.

Embroideredstars · 17/02/2021 17:02

Maybe as a middle name?

I'd worry about the 2nd child growing up in a shadow of 1st dc but I've never been in this situation so you should do what feels right for you and do.

Alwayswrongneverright · 17/02/2021 17:20

I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Before I was born, my mum and dad lost a baby girl at a month old due to illness. I was born 18 months later. For as long as I can remember I've always been aware of her. I would have hated to have had the same name, it would be a constant reminder that I wasn't her or that I wasn't worthy of my own name. Similarly, they also had a stillborn daughter at 8mths when I was 4, would have also hated sharing a name. Your newborn son deserves his own identity

MordredsOrrery · 17/02/2021 17:24

I'm sorry for your loss. If you love the name and feel it suits your new baby then do it.

I do a lot of family history research and it was quite common for rainbow babies to be given the same name as an angel baby, so there's plenty of precedent.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 17/02/2021 17:27

I did that.

It's a family name that means a lot to us.

I lost a baby at 15 weeks too, I'm so sorry Flowers

I fell pregnant with shortly after and have had two beautiful daughters since.

I still think of my list baby often. But it's my wonderful dds name. It suits her. And to me, it's a little way of keeping my lost baby close.

I know it's not for everyone though.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 17/02/2021 17:29

Obviously my children don't know of the lost baby.

I have an older Ds but he was 11 at the time. He didn't know I was pregnant yet as I was having problems from 11 weeks. I didn't want to upset him. He's 18 now and rightly or wrongly, he still doesn't know I was pregnant before I had his younger sister.

So no one knows but me and Dh.

MinnieJackson · 17/02/2021 17:30

Our son was stillborn. When I fell pregnant again we barely looked at names because you obviously know yourself how worrying being pregnant again feels. When our son was born it was bizarre. I had a c-section and the recovery room they put me in was the room id given birth to our stillborn son in. When I got back to the ward the woman in the bed opposite me had named her son with the same name as our Angel baby. We struggled a few times with calling our new baby by Angel babies name as a slip of the tongue Sad I couldn't name him after his brother, we found a name that loosely translated means God has been gracious and given us another chance. Best of luck to you OP. Flowers

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 17/02/2021 17:31

Im not voting because your not unreasonable its your decision however as a parent who has been in the same situation (we lost our daughter at 18 weeks and went on to have 2 more daughters) i wouldnt use the name. Its your sons name and he will always be your son, we talk aboiy our daughter all the time and that would be difficult if we had named 1 of our other daughters the same name. Maybe use it as a middle name if you really want to use it but give this baby hes own name so you can tell him about his brother in the future.

DeadButDelicious · 17/02/2021 17:33

I lost my first daughter at 20 weeks, her name is the only bit of 'identity' I suppose, that we could give her. I did toy with giving our second daughter the name of our first as a middle name but ultimately decided against it. Her fist name means 'radiant shining one' which we thought was a nice nod to the hope that she brought with her and her middle name is after my Nan who I was very close too.

I was very into the whole rainbow baby thing when Pregnant with DD but more along the lines of her being the light after the storm. As time has gone on however I have moved away from the concept, I don't want DD to grow up in her siblings shadow. I had counselling through my bereavement midwife during my second pregnancy and I think if that is something you can access then it may be very helpful to you.

We will tell DD about her sister when the time is right and answer any questions she has but I think it is important that she is viewed as separate from that time, I would hate for her to feel second to a child who isn't here.

If you wanted to use the name as a middle name I think that would be fine and a nice tribute but as a first name, I wouldn't.

VestaTilley · 17/02/2021 17:38

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

But please don’t give your new baby your lost baby’s name. This isn’t about your ability to get closure and move on, it’s about recognising your new baby will be a person in their own right and they deserve their own identity.

A friend of mine was named after her older sister who tragically died at 9 days old. She found out when she was thirteen. She was shattered by it and found it horrible and creepy - as though she were just a replacement. Please don’t do this.

Ivy455 · 17/02/2021 17:39

I don't think I would but I wouldn't judge anyone else for doing it.

georgarina · 17/02/2021 17:40

I think it's completely up to you. I think there's nothing wrong with that at all, if it's a beautiful name that you love. It's not sinister or anything, it's just giving life to the name you loved the first time (and didn't even use the whole time, just chose after). Congratulations on your rainbow baby Flowers

catinbootsx · 17/02/2021 17:40

@Maireas

Use the name for your baby. It clearly means a lot to you and would be a way of remembering your other child. Best of luck x
Most of the time I open threads fully expecting arseholes to be the first to reply. This really made my smile Smile What a lovely response and congrats OP xxx
saraclara · 17/02/2021 17:42

A friend of mine was named after her older sister who tragically died at 9 days old. She found out when she was thirteen. She was shattered by it and found it horrible and creepy - as though she were just a replacement. Please don’t do this.

Oh that's terrible. What an age to find that out. Did she change her name? I would have.

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 17/02/2021 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

saraclara · 17/02/2021 17:50

My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it.

No, no, no.

You raise this new child with love because of who HE is. Not who his brother was.

I'm trying really hard to be kind here, but it seems that you are being over-sentimental here, and focusing far too much on your feelings and not on bringing up an emotionally healthy and completely different child.

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 17:50

Thank you everyone for the support and honest opinions. I'm overwhelmed by the number of responses and also appreciate your kindness and delicacy on this matter. I half expected to be told I was the most horrible person in the world for even considering this. But as I haven't made it through all the messages yet, I expect there's still time!
@2bazookas Your message was especially touching as my partner is a lover of history and would be very interested to learn of this practice.
@farandfew No, my DP doesn't know yet. He specifically said to the family that the reason he didn't want to name our miscarried son is because it would be a name we couldn't use in the future. This is why we decided not to go with the name that was our #1 choice at the time. And now I don't even fancy that name. But I thought I would test the waters of mumsnet before talking to him. If I am only feeling this way because of the grief, maybe better to get my thoughts sorted out first.
@StarsShiningUpAboveYou Thank you so much for posting about your experience with this. How did your family and friends react to you using the name again?
To all those that suggested I use it as a middle name, this was my thought exactly at first. It was only after feeling that every name paled in comparison as a first name that I got on my current train of thinking.
I am still reading through comments but will try to answer the questions that have been posed.

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 17/02/2021 17:51

I don't understand any of this angel rainbow baby stuff, feels like mawkish nonsense to me. I also don't understand referring to a miscarriage by name as if it was an actual born baby (and I've had one later than 15 weeks)...but my opinion is just mine. You should do as you want.
I think its weird though and not very nice for a child to be named after a miscarried foetus.

Hope you aren't a real person.

sheslittlebutfierce · 17/02/2021 17:53

17 months after my DS was stillborn at term, my precious rainbow DD arrived and helped to heal our hearts.
I am not sure I could have used DS's first name but his middle name was our instant choice for her 1st. Granted a slight change in spelling but has absolutely ALWAYS been her name since we found out her gender at 20 weeks.
It was a family name on both sides. She will happily tell you at the ripe old age of 12 that she is named after her brother, 2 grandfathers and her great grandfather (who she definitely wasnt named for as he had a grisley history!)

Your baby, your choice. For me it would have been too hard to hear but if its what you really want - do it!

So terribly sorry for your loss and many congratulations on your future

NoSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 17:55

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I don't understand any of this angel rainbow baby stuff, feels like mawkish nonsense to me. I also don't understand referring to a miscarriage by name as if it was an actual born baby (and I've had one later than 15 weeks)...but my opinion is just mine. You should do as you want. I think its weird though and not very nice for a child to be named after a miscarried foetus.
What an unkind person you are.
Mammyofasuperbaby · 17/02/2021 17:56

I couldn't do it personally.
I've lost 3 babies after having my eldest and they all have names because it was all I could give them. They were individuals, each perfectly separate from one another.
My babies names are all I have left of them and we speak of them often but I could never reuse one of their names because it's theirs.
I view it like this. Would you name all your children the exact same name or would you give them separate names because they are individuals.
I think middle name is the way to go

Fuckadoodledoooo · 17/02/2021 17:56

@SurvivalIsInsufficient

I don't understand any of this angel rainbow baby stuff, feels like mawkish nonsense to me. I also don't understand referring to a miscarriage by name as if it was an actual born baby (and I've had one later than 15 weeks)...but my opinion is just mine. You should do as you want. I think its weird though and not very nice for a child to be named after a miscarried foetus.
We all deal with pain in different ways.
Itsjustaride8w737 · 17/02/2021 17:59

My stepmother did this.

My brother constantly gets referred to as 'Alive Jonathan' by distant relatives etc. He hates it.

Please give baby their own name.

ScarfaceCwaw · 17/02/2021 17:59

I'm sorry for your loss.

Don't do it. At least not as a first name. You won't always feel as you do now about this. And hopefully you will have many decades of raising your new baby into an adult, a person. Don't give them the weight of an "angel" sibling to carry throughout that life, one who will always be perfect and flawless. Let them be themselves. To do otherwise would be to put your (understandable) desire for comfort at this time above their lifelong need to be their own person, loved for themselves.

IthinkIm · 17/02/2021 17:59

What's the name OP, if you don't mind saying? We might be able to help find a similar one if that might work?

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