To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

[MeekPoster]

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

Sorry for your loss, and I wish you every joy. However, I agree that your family's positive reaction to the name probably wasn't about the name itself, but about expressing their love for you and their desire to support you. They may hate the name really! And they may well be very taken aback if you choose to use it again, I think a majority of people would find this uncomfortable.

My grandmother had multiple losses both pre and post birth, and my Dad's first name had been used three times before it got to him. He hated it, and the feeling of being a replacement, and has gone by his middle name since adulthood.

Sorry for your loss and congrats on pregnancy.

I wonder if the reception to the name from family and friends made it seem a more special name and also your attachment to it since you named the angel baby that. When you chose it, it was one you thought you wouldn't use so it's the attachment to the lost child which has brought the name to your favourite choice. Because of this attachment I wouldn't. A lot of people have already listed reasons why. I think the main one is that I imagine the rainbow child would feel weird and uncomfortable to be named like that. I know I wouldn't like that. I think a good compromise would be to have it as a middle name.

Whatever you decide to do best wishes.

I wouldn’t but then i really dislike the term “rainbow” baby. None of my babies replace or made up the sorrow of my losses and it’s unfair to link them. You have a baby of that name so naming a sibling the same name isn’t okay just because one isn’t living.

I don't think you should, mainly because you said

My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it

I'm sorry you had a miscarriage 💐. But you cannot pour a lifetime of love & memories into that baby via your baby you're pregnant with now.

Your soon to be DS deserves his own identity and his own love & memories that aren't tied up in a baby you lost.

If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost

Sorry this may be hard to read. Because the unborn baby you lost was full of hope and expectation and that would be far too much pressure for your expected DS to live up to. There's no way your DS would not feel like a replacement.

I think you need some help to mourn the unborn baby you lost at 15 weeks, preferably before you give birth to DS or otherwise I think you're going to be overwhelmed & really struggle after the birth.

Take care of yourself xx

I can totally relate to this. We lost a baby at a few days old, and a few years later had another of the same sex. I love the name of my first little girl more than any other name. I was so sad not to use it....but, it was her name. She existed, and so does my second daughter. They can’t have the same name because they are sisters. My second little girl needs a distinct name to use when she talks about the baby we lost. She needs to understand she was just as individually special and wanted and loved, and she needs to tell our families story without it being confusing because they have the same name.
There is enough baggage for a child who is aware there should be an older brother or sister (and I know this is slightly different maybe because of miscarriage, or maybe not...it depends how you feel and how your family view your loss). Your second son needs his own very distinct identity. He shouldn’t feel like a ‘second try’. He needs to know who he is.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s hard going through a rainbow pregnancy too. I hope it all goes completely smoothly for you and your family.

@BikeRunSki

My nephew has three give names, all after dead relatives, including a child who died very young. Aged about 8 he declared “I hate my name, all of it, when I am an adult I’m not going to call my children after dead people”.

Ah bless him. This such a sad thing for a little dot to say.

Can you name your baby with and open heart op? It can be a lovely way to link your babies or heavy burden, which may stay with your child forever.

@saraclara

Please don't.

This is not meant to be a criticism of you, OP, but I also have a real problem with any child being referred to as a rainbow baby. That alone prevents a child being born and growing up with the same sense of self as any other child should have. If they are always seen by others through a prism that ties them to the existence of a child who never saw the light of day, it is potentially damaging.

This one should simply be a baby. Your baby.

This.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, but this child you're carrying is a new individual, who deserves both a name that will not make him feel like his deceased sibling's replacement and not to be referred to by a designation that ties him to your earlier loss.

There are lots of lovely names out there, OP, and any of them will be a better choice for your child. I think the fact that you keep coming back to your original choice for the baby that died is simply a sign of ongoing grief.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

DDs BF is a rainbow baby. His mum has always made a thing of it. As result he has always felt like a replacement for the child she lost, and feels (rightly or wrongly) like he can never quite live up to her expectations of what her first child would have been like.

I can only imagine the negative impact being given the same name would have had on him.

Please don't do this. I grew up with a girl who was named after her sister that died at 2 months of age two years before she was born. She always hated her name and she's felt like a replacement her entire life. She once said she felt like a living, breathing memorial to a person she never met, and I was so sad for her when she said that. Your new baby needs their own identity.

@MagnoliaBeige

Definitely as a middle name, definitely not as a first name. I wouldn’t run the risk of my second child wondering if they were a replacement for the first child, even if that’s not the case.

It’s a different pregnancy, a different child, they should have their own name.

This^

Please don't. My parents did this to me and it caused incredible problems for us all during my teenage years. I felt lost and unwanted, as is they always and only ever wanted her and not really me. They simply couldn't understand where I was comng from. Second best will always be in your son's mind if you do this.

@CodenameVillanelle

Don't do this. It's not ok

What a compassionate response

definitely not, for all the reasons stated by PP. sorry for your loss

I wouldn't. The baby you lost has that name. I don't think it's fair to have a baby that has to live in their siblings shadow as it were.

So sorry for your loss OP, and congratulations on your coming baby boy. I am afraid that I also ticked YABU to naming the new child after his brother. You must remember that the loss of your first son is yours and your husbands, your new baby will enter this world as a completely separate entity and must be allowed his own identity.

isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name?

This doesn't have to be the reason that we chose names for our children. We didn't name our DCs for six weeks after they were born as we wanted to chose something that would really suit them and serve them well for their life. People that we have lost can be remembered and honoured in many beautiful ways, using children's names might not always be the best way.

DDs BF is a rainbow baby. His mum has always made a thing of it. As result he has always felt like a replacement for the child she lost, and feels (rightly or wrongly) like he can never quite live up to her expectations of what her first child would have been like.

I think it's tragic that thousands of children are going to be feeling this way, since the term 'rainbow baby' gained such traction.

Again, I don't mean that to criticise you OP, and I'm sorry for your loss. But I do feel that a lot of children are now arriving in the world with the baggage that this recent social media-inspired designation gives them. And it is likely to have a life long effect.

So sorry for your loss.

I feel, like others, that it's not a good idea.

Both babies should be treated as individuals. Your first baby will always hold a special place in your family but this baby will be its own person and needs its own name.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

This used to happen a lot in centuries past, when losing babies and young children was commonplace.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but personally I'd use it as a middle name, for fear of having the following child be uncomfortable about it.

If there were an older sibling it might feel strange too.

I might use it as a middle name for a following child of either sex - perhaps for all of them.

I wouldn’t. This is a new baby who should have his own name and there are lots of (equally lovely) names you could choose.

Just being totally honest, it’s likely that your family would always have reacted very positively to the name you gave your angel baby, whatever you chose. I knew someone who called her angel baby ‘Angel’ and everyone reacted as if it were an amazing name due to the sad circumstances (doing anything else would have looked really unsympathetic).

You must remember that the loss of your first son is yours and your husbands, your new baby will enter this world as a completely separate entity and must be allowed his own identity.

Well put, @Genderwitched

@MeekPoster
My DS’s name is centuries old, has been used by good men and bad, living and departed men and boys...
You name your second son whatever feels right to you🥰

I wouldn't. As others have said, your son needs his own identity.

Using a different name will also let your first baby have his own identity, and make it easier to talk about him. I don't know how you currently remember him, but a friend has an engraved item with her stillborn child's name. I think it would be confusing if she had to explain to her small children "that thing that says Katie has nothing to do with the Katie who lives here." (name changed, obviously)

I am named after my DM, my GM and my GGM (three different names).
Even that makes me feel that my parents didn't see me as my own person, in some ways. I'd loved to have had a name that was my own.

Sorry for your loss.

I think your next child should be allowed to exist on their own terms, as their own person and reusing a name would not help you to do this. I don’t think it’s fair on your child at all, to have their entire existence in shadow. It also won’t help you grieve, and seems more a denial of the loss than an act of moving forward. I think cutting out the term rainbow and seeing this child as their own person is the best way forward. Nobody can ever live up to an idea or a possibility, it’s unfair to put this weight on them.

When your new baby comes, he will be his own little person. He will need his own name, and you will want him to have his own name. The name of your lost little boy is his own name.
In years to come, you will want them to have different names. You won't want to be thinking about the first Billybob and the second Billybob, or the Billybob we lost and the Billybob we still have.

Give your new little one his own name.