Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To name Rainbow baby after Angel baby

212 replies

MeekPoster · 17/02/2021 15:00

After spending the last few months seeking comfort, laughter and wisdom on Mumsnet as a silent reader, I have decided to make my first post. I will preface this by saying that I am open to all opinions and comments, even the ones that may be difficult to read. My question is simply this: Would it be unreasonable to name a rainbow baby after an angel baby? I lost my first pregnancy at 15-weeks after my water broke early. It was a shock that my DP and I were completely caught off-guard by and are still recovering from as best we can. After the devastating loss, my DP was adamant that he didn’t want to name the baby or have a funeral. However, after a week I suggested that we call the baby a name that had been on our list but was more of an unusual and rare name I was certain we probably wouldn’t have used. After we announced the name to a few family members, we were overwhelmed by the positive reaction to the name we picked out. We were told it was one of the “most beautiful boy names”, “something they never heard before” and “absolutely lovely”. We are pregnant again and expecting another little boy. I have spent many hours searching for names that we love, but in my heart, I keep coming back to the name we already chose to give our angel baby and I don't know how to feel about it. If people can name newborns after living and deceased family members such as a father, grandfather, or distance relative, why not an older brother? I think it important to say that I understand this second child is in no way a replacement for the child we lost. Yes, there are many other names we could choose from. But at the end of the day, isn’t the reason why we choose to name a child something because of the emotional connection we attach the name? My reasoning is that the best way to honor our lost son is to have the blessing of being able to raise a child with this same name and to pour a lifetime of love and memories into it. Would you consider naming a rainbow baby after an angel baby? AIBU?

OP posts:
Trying2310 · 17/02/2021 15:18

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't, but this is because my uncle was named after his brother who died at 15 months old. It has caused him a life time of emotional stress and he has issues that he didn't have his own identity and had to live up to the memory of my grandmother first born son.

HeronLanyon · 17/02/2021 15:18

Really sorry and congratulations. I don’t feel in any position to say anything about you being ‘unreasonable’
I think I would not do this. For me it would feel ‘disrespectful’ to my lost baby who you gave that name in a lovely and meaningful way. Also a very difficult thing for your child to live with. I’m trying to imagine what I’d feel as a child and adult if I knew this was the history of my own name. I would wish my parents hadn’t done that.
Good luck and support op.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 15:19

I was just thinking - my eldest had two life saving operations as a baby and spent a lot of time in hospital.

My dc2 is named after the patron saint (actually an angel) of healers, which is kind of a nod to that but not overt.

Could you do something similar?

CharlotteRose90 · 17/02/2021 15:19

No sorry I don’t think it’s right and I think if your son ever found out the name belonged to his brother it would hurt him so badly. By all means give it him as a middle name but not as a first he deserves his own identity

LittleBoPeep95 · 17/02/2021 15:21

Sorry for your loss OP.

But personally I wouldn't do it. If you wouldn't have two living children with the same name I dont think you should name your child after their deceased sibling, sorry.

BikeRunSki · 17/02/2021 15:22

My nephew has three give names, all after dead relatives, including a child who died very young. Aged about 8 he declared “I hate my name, all of it, when I am an adult I’m not going to call my children after dead people”.

RightOnTheEdge · 17/02/2021 15:22

Im sorry for your loss OP.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

I think that both babies should have their own identity so I wouldn't name your new son the same as your first.
Maybe as a middle name though.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 17/02/2021 15:22

I couldn’t do it. For me, a rainbow baby needs, and deserves, atheir own name, not to be a constant living reminder of what you previously lost. I can understand why people do it though, and have come across it.

I am so sorry for your loss, congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 17/02/2021 15:23

No, please don't do this.
My husband is named after an older brother who died before he was born, it's always made him feel uncomfortable and kind of a consolation prize.
Also not the same but similar, I was adopted at birth, my birth mother went on to have a daughter and gave her the same name as me, I felt replaced, she felt awquard and a constant reminder.
I'd say kindly, keep your little angel baby in your memories and let your rainbow baby have his own identity.

Noyournevergunnagetit · 17/02/2021 15:23

Go for it. My nanna named her daughters after her angel baby. So sorry for your loss

Megzmoo · 17/02/2021 15:24

Hi op,

So sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I too went through something similar, in 2019 our first dd was sadly born sleeping 6 months into my pregnancy, we named her and this name was on her birth/death certificate and funeral announcement.

We then had our rainbow baby last year another little girl and my husband told me one night after he had a few drinks that he was stuck on the same name and wanted to use it for our rainbow baby, I really struggled with this as felt I would be replacing our little angel, I suggested maybe as a middle name? As time went on we decided not to use angel babies name and give our rainbow a different name. I personally didn't want to reuse her name as I like to talk about her and we have a special memory box, that one day when my daughter is older I may want to show her.

I think it's a really personal choice and if you and dp agree on using the name then do what is right for you, that's what's most important xx

HeronLanyon · 17/02/2021 15:24

I don’t think using your lost baby’s name as a middle. And is right either for same reasons. Both should be honoured with their own individual names. For your own welfare as well op.
Support.

MadeOfStarStuff · 17/02/2021 15:25

I’m sorry for your loss but YABU

Your child needs a name of their own not the name of their sibling, it’s too much pressure for them to live up to all your expectations for your “angel”

Use it as a middle name if you want the connection but give them their own first name

BrumBoo · 17/02/2021 15:26

Honestly, I think your son may just think of himself as a replacement for his brother, rather than an individual. The fact is, he probably wouldn't have come to be without his brother's sadly passing, I dont think he needs an extra reminder of that with his own name. My sympathise for your loss Flowers.

MyLittleOrangutan · 17/02/2021 15:27

I think it's a lovely idea.

Pinkfreesias · 17/02/2021 15:27

You, naturally, want your first baby to have his place in your family, even though he can't be with you. Giving your next child his name might seem or feel like replacing him or taking away his unique place in your hearts & lives.

Using the name as a middle name is more a way of honouring him. That's what I would choose to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Symbion · 17/02/2021 15:29

I'm sorry, I don't think you should do this. It's not fair on your younger one, no matter how stridently you repeat that he is not a replacement. Plus on the practical side, presuming you will always bring up your youngest to know about his older brother, those conversations will be much more straightforward when he is little if he has a different name.

Giving them different names will help define both their spaces in the family in their own right IYSWIM.

Callywalls · 17/02/2021 15:30

My great grandparents named their son Sam after his father and grandfather. The baby sadly died at 3 months. Years later they had another son and also named him Sam. To them Sam was a family name and they were used to having more than one Sam in the family. Use the name.

StrikeWhileTheCoffeeIsHot · 17/02/2021 15:31

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Give us the name and let's see if we can come up with something?

I don't think I could use the first name again. What does your DP think ?

catatecheese · 17/02/2021 15:31

Sorry for your loss and congratulations on your new pregnancy.
Firstly this new baby deserves an identity which is their own. The name of your first baby is probably best in the middle name slot especially as you have used it and told family members its the name of your first sadly lost baby.
Also in reality you know everyone will have said nothing but nice things about the name in such circumstances. Nobody would say anything bad and this may have slightly altered your view of it. People are generally more honest if the name actually has the carry someone through life. As you said you probably wouldn't have actually picked it if your child had lived I just I should point this out. I'm sure it's beautiful but this is the reality.
Have a healthy pregnancy and safe birth. X

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 17/02/2021 15:32

Congratulations OP Thanks

We lost a baby between our two DC, but never named him. We'd been considering a name that we'd have used if we'd had a boy, and we went on to use that name for DS2, but had never 'announced' it or referred to our lost baby with that name, we'd just contemplated using it. It's DS2's name and his alone, I'd be very keen to avoid any hint of a connection. I don't consider my lost child to have had the name at all, we still refer to our baby with its 'bump' nickname and always will.

I see your point about honouring a relative, and I think ultimately you can only do what feels right for you. I personally couldn't do the same, especially if I'd told other people the name of my lost baby.

TJ17 · 17/02/2021 15:33

First of all I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

I think using it as a middle name is a wonderful idea but I don't think I could use it as a first name.

Not that you should care what others think at all but I think people would find it confusing/strange. I know you said you were surprised about people's reaction to the name you chose and that everybody loved it which seems to be what is swaying you towards using it now but nobody is ever going to criticise a name under such tragic circumstances.

I'm wondering if you keep coming back to it more because it has sentimentality to you now.

At the end of the day though, it is your opinion that matters (and DH) so if it feels right then there's nothing wrong with using the name.

Wishing you the best of luck with your pregnancy Thanks

sunflowersandbuttercups · 17/02/2021 15:33

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I''m afraid I wouldn't do it. I don't think it's fair on the living child to know they were named after the one who died. I would personally feel like I was only there as a replacement, instead of a child who was wanted in my own right.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 17/02/2021 15:33

I wouldn't, for all the reasons stated. Your child deserves their own name, identity, sense of individuality. You may feel he's not a "replacement" but to a child that's exactly how he will feel with the same name, especially when young enough to know his brother died but not mature enough to see it from the same viewpoint as the adult parents. Don't do that to him.

user1592512579 · 17/02/2021 15:33

I wouldn't. I dont think it's fair on your rainbow baby. He deserves his own name.