12 year dd being called babe by 12 yr old boy and I ain’t happy

[Rosita101]

Ok, I’m just trying to get a different perspective here... checked my daughters phone and there it was.. messages from a boy in her class calling her baby. I am tempted to block him on her phone but obviously I prefer to keep the communication open with my daughter. There was lots heart emojis and promises of holding hands/hugs when lockdown is over but no kisses involved.. phew. She’s turning 13 soon and I’m worried it will turn into a proper relationship, which obviously I’m not supportive of, as I think it far too young. I’ve met the boy a few times at the school gate ( as her friend , I didn’t know they had feelings for each other), She then told me they like each other but I always say for me he’s just her “ like interest” , not a boyfriend. I’m so uncomfortable with the fact he calls her baby /my baby girl . It does not sit well with me.
Am I totally over reacting? Please be brutally honest!!

He's calling her nice names and wants to hug her what's wrong ???
I've just dealt with a pupil who was cheating with ganster by her boy and had to have std and pregnancy test and both him and other girls are threatening her with death/ rape

@bendmeoverbackwards absolutely. People ask if I remember when I was my ds’s age. Of course I do. I also remember my parents telling not to hang out with certain kids , for different reasons , and I had to accept that. There was no WhatsApp ( gosh I’m really giving my age away now) so things are very different nowadays and some boys will feel more confident in saying things online than actually in person . That needs to be monitored in my view. I didn’t resent my parents for wanting to parent me how they deemed fit for my age . I didn’t turn out to be promiscuous ( I went to uni , got married , have a decent life ) . It wasn’t easy in my teens, but sometimes I was glad with the “ interference “ aka parenting, as I felt lost and could have taken some wrong turns along the way. People assume you can’t have a sound , close relationship with their kid if you actually have some control, expectations and boundaries when they are still relatively young.

@nitsandwormsdodger that sound very intense and sad . There will be always worse things happening to other children , compared to what I’m facing now but that’s life. What is worrying to one family, isn’t necessarily a worry to another .

The real question here isn't what you think, it's how your daughter feels about being called babe. If she doesn't like it and wants him to stop would she be able to say that to him? Would she feel able to ask you / a teacher / another safe adult to help her?

@Witchtower whatever you do, don’t come to mums net for advice 😂, I was called crazy, mental, controlling, all by people that are apparently excellent parents 😂😂😂 just because I think a child for a 12 having a boyfriend is too soon , that I’m uncomfortable my ds is being called “ babe” , and because I check her phone ... oh the horror 😉

You asked a question, it got answered.

@Rosita101 😬.
Maybe it’s down to our experiences that heighten our concerns. Yours being a friend who works in the police and mine being all my friends losing their virginity at 14. This was also a very diverse group of girls, all of us with different backgrounds, demographics and upbringings.

@MottTheHoople there was no need for the insults, in my opinion.

[quote Rosita101]@crystalcherry87 How frightening to all of you. It really baffles me that parents refrain from checking their children’s phone because of privacy. I have a friend that works in the police and it’s part of the team that tracks peadophile rings . People don’t seem to have an idea how dangerous the internet is for a young , inquisitive minds and how many bad people are out there, just waiting for a small opportunity to take advantage of it, hence it’s always a good idea to keep an close eye on things.
Now the whole point of my post was to find out whether I was overreacting by the fact that I dislike the fact that a boy is texting my daughter and calling her baby but it seems that it was a big trigger for some the fact that I check her phone 🤣. People need to get a grip .[/quote]
Ofc there are loads of horrible people out there. Having been a child during the msn days myself I know that full well. It's shocking.
You should check your child's phone up until a certain point, perhaps 14 or 15 depending on your child.
You didn't find a horrible 34 year old texting your child though, you found an innocent 12 year old calling her baby and saying he can't wait to hold her hand and you still lost it and want to block him on her phone! That's what people are taking far more offense to than you checking her phone.

I actually think having varying experiences makes it easier to see what is innocent messages and what warrants more intervention. There were lots of girls sexually active at my school from the age of 12 upwards (not necessarily sex but way more than holding hands), no texting as no mobile phones but notes/letters etc and they were definitely not as innocent as calling each other babe or talking about hugging/holding hands.

Personally I feel that having/seeing those things means I have a good understanding of what teens get up to and when I should really worry. My boys tell me a lot, they have had some messages sent that they have felt uncomfortable with but they have come straight to me, I have never had a go at them over it (especially if they have interacted at first before they realised it wasnt appropriate). When they got phones at 11 yo, they were both told if they want phones then either their dad or I had to have the passwords to it but that they could keep it private from their siblings.

I had a great relationship with my parents, my mum was easy to talk to and helped to get my dad to see when to allow me to do stuff etc. I hope I can continue having that relationship with my boys.

[quote Rosita101]@bendmeoverbackwards absolutely. People ask if I remember when I was my ds’s age. Of course I do. I also remember my parents telling not to hang out with certain kids , for different reasons , and I had to accept that. There was no WhatsApp ( gosh I’m really giving my age away now) so things are very different nowadays and some boys will feel more confident in saying things online than actually in person . That needs to be monitored in my view. I didn’t resent my parents for wanting to parent me how they deemed fit for my age . I didn’t turn out to be promiscuous ( I went to uni , got married , have a decent life ) . It wasn’t easy in my teens, but sometimes I was glad with the “ interference “ aka parenting, as I felt lost and could have taken some wrong turns along the way. People assume you can’t have a sound , close relationship with their kid if you actually have some control, expectations and boundaries when they are still relatively young.[/quote]
I agree @Rosita101 you sound like a sensible, caring parent.

You know, all this talk of fear and predictions if you put in a few boundaries - your child will be secretive, not tell you stuff, you’ll damage the relationship etc. There is every chance that your child will look back and wish their parents WERE a bit more controlling. For various reasons I was given a lot of freedom as a child/teen, I did what I wanted and watched whatever TV programmes I wanted. However I always had a few pangs of wonder at friends who ‘weren’t allowed’ to do various things - did their parents care more about them?

There is surely a happy medium though? Of course parents need to step in and control certain situations, stopping normal harmless teenage behaviour isn't the answer IMO though. Boundaries are important and I don't understand how allowing a 12 yo to have a BF (clearly not a proper serious one) as long as the situation is monitored and communication is open is considered just letting them do as they please with no boundaries.

IME my friends who were not ever allowed out and weren't allowed to do anything other than school or to friends houses were the ones who sneaked out at night, constantly lied about where they were. I had more freedom but with conditions, eg if I went to a party I could be collected really late but never allowed to stay over. The fact I was allowed to go with no hassle I thought I was getting loads of freedom compared to friends but in fact my parents had way more control over the situation than I realised. My friends still went but sneaked out or told their parents they were sleeping at a friends. I never once lied to my parents as a teen about where I was going, I also didn't make a fuss if at any point they did say no to something as I know there must be a good reason as they were so lenient at other times.

Personally I would just keep an eye on things, just keep talking and making sure DD is OK with it all. I really dont understand letting 12 yos have free reign with SM, if anyone thinks its OK then I don't actually believe you have a full understanding of the dangers. In fact I saw a post on FB today from a friend who had been so sure her DD was super sensible and it did not end well, she was very shocked.

Sorry but Yabu. My DD is 15 and this is just part of growing up, nothing inappropriate, no need to get involved.

@Bayleaf25 there is a big difference in the decision making process of a 15 year old compared to a 12 and half years old. Two years make a big difference in the development.

My ds is still 12, not 15.

Keep an eye on it but the boy isn’t doing anything wrong. And babe can go either way male or female. Obviously if your daughter doesn’t like it she should say. It’s hard to strike the balance between too laid back and being like Amy’s mum on Big Bang Theory

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself no, I drive a Range Rover and leather gloves makes my hands itchy