12 year dd being called babe by 12 yr old boy and I ain’t happy

[Rosita101]

Ok, I’m just trying to get a different perspective here... checked my daughters phone and there it was.. messages from a boy in her class calling her baby. I am tempted to block him on her phone but obviously I prefer to keep the communication open with my daughter. There was lots heart emojis and promises of holding hands/hugs when lockdown is over but no kisses involved.. phew. She’s turning 13 soon and I’m worried it will turn into a proper relationship, which obviously I’m not supportive of, as I think it far too young. I’ve met the boy a few times at the school gate ( as her friend , I didn’t know they had feelings for each other), She then told me they like each other but I always say for me he’s just her “ like interest” , not a boyfriend. I’m so uncomfortable with the fact he calls her baby /my baby girl . It does not sit well with me.
Am I totally over reacting? Please be brutally honest!!

So it's okay at 15? You said she's nearly 13 now, is two years going to make a massive difference?
It's just a name, my daughter's bf calls her babe and I cringed the first time (and had to stop my husband locking her in her room until she's 50) but it's innocent. This sounds innocent too. Holding hands is hardly a massive deal.
Anyway by the time it's allowed they probably won't be a couple anymore.

Oh jeez yeh you have a long few years ahead of you my DS has just turned 14 and it all loves up with his boyfriend. I have open conversations with him etc but it is what it is.

@Sweet666

How can people say she's overreacting? She's only 12! What if she gets pregnant, then is it 'overreacting'?! She's a CHILD.

You might want to look up a very good book 'How babies are made'

Sorry, but a bit of a spoiler, but it's not hugging & hand holding.

If my mum had have felt like this it would have really pushed me away and damaged my relationship with her.

You need to take a step back and reevaluate your attitude.

Some of these posters are hilarious. Babe is just a word that teens use a lot, often in a platonic way, its not offensive in any way or demeaning or whatever else people are suggesting. They are 12 FFS. In fact many adults use it for each other also, I think the area in the country makes a difference, its definitely used frequently in some places.

I do agree with checking messages at 12, DS is now 15, just, I probably haven't checked anything for well over a year but did from when he got the phone to about 13, he was pretty open anyway0. TBF its slightly easier as with lockdown he's not going out at all so not the same worries but unless I had a specific concern I wouldn't do that now.

If you are thar worried about completely innocent and normal messages at 12 then you are going to be locking your DDs up and banning phones at 14. Don't forget whatever you are checking on a 14/15 year olds phone, you can guarantee they will be using a totally different platform you know nothing about anyway.

Much better to have some trust and open talking with your DCs, if you get worried about them talking about holding hands then they won't tell you anything, surely its much better then tell you stuff (even if its not what you want to hear) than keep everything secret because you wildly overreact and block people etc. Exactly like a pp has mentioned about their friends gay son.

Jesus, it's not like he's sending her dick pics! Calm down.

@justcannotwithyou errmm yes because sex under 16 is illegal.

I find the casualness about relationships and sex a bit worrying. Yes it’s for 12/13 year olds to have boy/girlfriends and practice dating in an innocent way. But it needs keeping an eye on, teens are curious about sex and it has the potential to lead to more. Teens NEED their parents to control the reins sometimes.

As for ‘babe’ it may be in common use among teens but that doesn’t mean girls have to accept it if they don’t like the term. Young teens might not have the confidence to say they don’t like it, we should encourage our daughters to be assertive.

@PugInTheHouse

Some of these posters are hilarious. Babe is just a word that teens use a lot, often in a platonic way, its not offensive in any way or demeaning or whatever else people are suggesting. They are 12 FFS. In fact many adults use it for each other also, I think the area in the country makes a difference, its definitely used frequently in some places.

I do agree with checking messages at 12, DS is now 15, just, I probably haven't checked anything for well over a year but did from when he got the phone to about 13, he was pretty open anyway0. TBF its slightly easier as with lockdown he's not going out at all so not the same worries but unless I had a specific concern I wouldn't do that now.

If you are thar worried about completely innocent and normal messages at 12 then you are going to be locking your DDs up and banning phones at 14. Don't forget whatever you are checking on a 14/15 year olds phone, you can guarantee they will be using a totally different platform you know nothing about anyway.

Much better to have some trust and open talking with your DCs, if you get worried about them talking about holding hands then they won't tell you anything, surely its much better then tell you stuff (even if its not what you want to hear) than keep everything secret because you wildly overreact and block people etc. Exactly like a pp has mentioned about their friends gay son.

Some of these posters are hilarious. Babe is just a word that teens use a lot, often in a platonic way, its not offensive in any way or demeaning or whatever else people are suggesting. They are 12 FFS. In fact many adults use it for each other also, I think the area in the country makes a difference, its definitely used frequently in some places

As you say regional and also used along with "hun" and " mumma" ?

and "baby daddy " ?

Yuk to babe, it's like those sleazy guys whose it when they cant remember the womans name. I'd go more along the lines of self empowerment, not letting a man set your standards, self worth etc.

Ds keeps calling me bro . He got swiftly told Im his mum not his bro

😂😂😂😂

@MrsWindass I guess, personally I wouldn't use any of those but I do have friends that do except baby daddy, I have only heard that in the states TBH.

@Hankunamatata these are 12 yo kids, hardly comparable to a sleazy bloke. I know many people who use it in an endearing way, definitely not sleazy. Only the OP and he DD know the real context in how he has used it and it can't hurt to teach the DD that she only has to allow herself to be called certain things if she is comfortable with it. He hardly sounds like some sort of predator.

@AnnaFiveTowns

Why are you reading her messages? You sound very controlling. She's nearly 13; she's going to have boyfriends whether you like it or not.

It's called responsible parenting. Through checking my studious, sensible 12 year old DS' messages I found that he had been exchanging sexually explicit messages and being asked to send nude pics with what he thought was a 14 year old girl, who turned out was a grown man. I won't be checking at 14 and 15 if I don't have reason to believe there's something going on as at that age they earn privacy but 12 and 13 still needs a lot of guidance. So yes, it's a good idea to check.

It's snooping, however you look at it...even with all the excuses you use.

Blimey @crystalcherry87 good thing you checked.

The internet/SM can be a dangerous place. You wouldn't just let your child out into the world without knowing where they are going, who they are meeting and what time they will be home....so why on earth would you let a 12 year old child loose online with no supervision?

Seems to be some sort of competitive 'who can be the coolest' parent thing going on. Don't. Parent your child.

@Hankunamatata yes 😂😂, I find it so cringy and it turns out my 12 year old DS finds it too.. ha! I did ask if you feel comfortable and saying back then it’s ok.
People make assumptions that every girl is ok with it and the fact that I personally find it inappropriate for their age, oh I’m some sort of a controlling monster 😂😂 . People need to stop trying to be “ so cool “ and actually start parenting their kids in a sensible way.

Parenting your kids is not the same as completely blocking them from having these sorts of interactions. Asking if your DD is comfortable with the exchange, explaining they can say so if not is parenting, blocking the boy or not allowing a boyfriend at 12 is controlling, especially given that they are only talking about hugging/holding hands.

I have regular chats to my DSs about what is appropriate, how basically if they are messaging on SM then they have to assume that it is possible that everyone will see it, including teachers.

You said were thinking of blocking the boy, I didnt see a post where you said you saw the messages, spoke to your DD about whether she was comfortable etc then decided on appropriate action together, so apologies if I missed that.

Don't assume that parents who are ok with 12/13 yos having BFs/GFs don't parent their DCs, we just have different styles and also teach trust and openess. If I banned DS from having a GF, I am under no illusions that he would probably just have one but keep it a secret. Same as kids who are never allowed out to do things, they are the ones who lie to their parents and say they are elsewhere.

My DS1 had a GF at 12, there were loads of messages saying love you, miss you etc between them. All very innocent and it was not serious really, its just how they talk. It fizzled out as of course all they really did was chat on SM and hang out with groups of mates outside of school. I kept an eye on things of course.

@PugInTheHouse I personally think 12s should be encouraged to have lots of friends , boys and girls, to have meaningful friendships , instead of being encouraged/supported to start relationships at such young age, spending lots of time sending cringe messages instead of developing friendships. Of course as her parent I can’t stop them have feelings for one another , but that doesn’t mean I will encourage any romantic relationships at such young age . If I think the time spent texting and if the messages are getting a bit too serious for her age, absolutely I will block him. They can talk at school instead . I didn’t realise people would get so triggered by the fact that I don’t want my ds, at the age of 12, to be called baby or be anyone’s baby, until the age is right and she then can decide. For now I want to encourage self esteem ,tell her she doesn’t need a bf because all the girls have it at her age, to let her know that her self worth is not measured about whether a boy giver her attention or not . Then hopefully by the time she is older enough to be in a relationship she will then have the confidence to make right decisions about boys

Big difference between full on encouraging it and purely understanding that this is normal for kids this age. Why would anyone specifically encourage it, I am not sure I have seen any poster suggest that all. Blocking if the messages are inappropriate or abusive, 100%. All those other things you have said about self esteem, of course, surely that is what we all want for our DCs. A boy calling her babe, or baby is not giving any suggestion it is too serious. He may think its what she wants and she needs you to give her the confidence to tell him to to, if that's what she wants. I cant see from what you said that this 'relationship' is too serious for 12. Its pretty much nothing. At 12 she should be able to tell him she doesn't like the pet names he calls her especially with a parent to guide her.

This is a great opportunity for you to open lines of communication with your DD and teach her all those things you have said rather than alienate her because you are too controlling over her conversations.

Obviously if things were getting out of hand then that is totally different but so far it just sounds like very normal 12 yo behaviour.

My children are all quite young and I was hoping you weren’t overreacting but the general consensus is that you are. So now I am sitting here worrying about the future to come 🤣

Don't you remember that age at all though? Hormones are going nuts. You're still pretty innocent but very intrigued by vague ideas of sex and relationships and being in love. I remember sizing up every boy as a potential mate and in some cases being totally overcome by how much I fancied them. They were a mix of nice, nasty, attractive, not. At that age your thoughts start to go wild. I remember when I 'split up' with my boyfriend (who was absolutely awful) aged about 13 and spending a whole weekend writing mournful love poetry and phoning my friends to pore over every detail.

Throw into the mix ideas of being cool and grown up etc and of course kids start to form 'relationships'. They bear little resemblance to adult relationships but that's fine. Kids are testing stuff out, trying it on for size and seeing what things feel like. 12 is at the start of the journey but it sounds like everything has been age appropriate.

@crystalcherry87 How frightening to all of you. It really baffles me that parents refrain from checking their children’s phone because of privacy. I have a friend that works in the police and it’s part of the team that tracks peadophile rings . People don’t seem to have an idea how dangerous the internet is for a young , inquisitive minds and how many bad people are out there, just waiting for a small opportunity to take advantage of it, hence it’s always a good idea to keep an close eye on things.
Now the whole point of my post was to find out whether I was overreacting by the fact that I dislike the fact that a boy is texting my daughter and calling her baby but it seems that it was a big trigger for some the fact that I check her phone 🤣. People need to get a grip .

Nearly 13 and want to hold hands....

You are overreacting .....

Christ, Alot of people may sleep under a rock.
But some kids are actually having SEX
and no i dont agree with it but thats a fact

Your child wants to hold hands. You need to get a grip

I think you are over reacting a bit about the babe thing but yes I do think that 12/13 is too young for a boyfriend, and I have raised 4 perfectly normal teens, who are now adults. And I am not remotely religious or sexually repressed.