12 year dd being called babe by 12 yr old boy and I ain’t happy

[Rosita101]

Ok, I’m just trying to get a different perspective here... checked my daughters phone and there it was.. messages from a boy in her class calling her baby. I am tempted to block him on her phone but obviously I prefer to keep the communication open with my daughter. There was lots heart emojis and promises of holding hands/hugs when lockdown is over but no kisses involved.. phew. She’s turning 13 soon and I’m worried it will turn into a proper relationship, which obviously I’m not supportive of, as I think it far too young. I’ve met the boy a few times at the school gate ( as her friend , I didn’t know they had feelings for each other), She then told me they like each other but I always say for me he’s just her “ like interest” , not a boyfriend. I’m so uncomfortable with the fact he calls her baby /my baby girl . It does not sit well with me.
Am I totally over reacting? Please be brutally honest!!

Ouch ! But then again I did ask for people to be brutally honest didn’t i

Perhaps it’s nice for her, someone cares about her and she’s enjoying it.

Your job is to teach her about boys, sex and make sure she knows she can say no if anything makes her feel uncomfortable. By this I meant the handholding or even anything in texts. You can’t shield her forever, but you can be there for her and make sure she’s safe and happy. Forbidding it or blocking him will just send them underground & you’ll have no idea what’s happening because she won’t want to tell you. Relationships should be open and honest and good communication is part of that. That includes your relationship with your daughter.

My 15 year old son has recently met someone just before lockdown and he was over the moon about it, told me all about their first date and all about her. Came home elated after their first kiss and holding hands etc obs not into mega details but you want them to be open with you and I want happy kids who can talk to other people about how they feel etc

The “baby” thing would turn my stomach and if she is mature, I might discuss why I didn’t like that with my daughter.

However you are on shaky ground with “I ain’t happy” Do you wear leather driving gloves and drive Lexi?

I can't wait to see your reaction when he discovers the aubergine emoji. This is tame, it'll run its course in most cases (though my cousin eventually married someone shed been with since the age of 13).

Over reacting and likely to push her to be more secretive.

Seriously though, count yourself lucky that it's only "baby" or "babe". I cringe at both but if anyone uses "bae" then I reach for the sick bucket.

Oof. Massive overreaction. Can you not remember being 12/13?

I'd be sickened if a 40 year old man called me baby just because I don't like it and even I think YABU. That's how some people talk to show affection. I have had mates and bfs who have said hun/babe/baby/love/sweet/ or mostly bitch.

I teach teenagers. This is how they talk to each other platonically these days. Yes it baffles me too, I was a teenager in the 90's where the most affectionate choice of word was dickhead, but this is how today's teens have watched too much American TV speak

Just keep an eye. Don’t block him though, it’s not your decision to make. Sounds like they like each other no harm in that. Wait a few days then talk to her about relationships at her age, about sex and consequences.
If it was my dc I’d be locking them up until they’re 74 🤣

Overreacting. I say this as someone who's well intentioned mother did the same. Back off a bit but keep an eye. If she needs you make sure she feels like she can talk to you. My mum didn't allow any speak of relationships or (god forbid) sex in her house. I got most of my information from terrible sources and was very promiscuous as soon as I moved away from home. It's not something I regret but I feel that if I'd been allowed to discuss sex and relationships I may not have felt the need.

Why are you reading her messages? You sound very controlling. She's nearly 13; she's going to have boyfriends whether you like it or not.

Ah stop

Yep you are over reacting. She is also 13z it’s great that you have oversight of her communication on her phone (presumably she agrees with and knows about that). Best not to make a big deal about this like this that a actually just normal for that age. I’d you overreact she might start hiding things rather than being open and you’ll be more likely to miss if something properly concerning happens (like some random old man messaging her):

I think you are being a little over protective here TBH! At 12 I had a friend of my own age who was a boy .We would walk home from School together and he would carry my bag! All very innocent .Liked him ,but also he had a lovely labrador dog as well which I was probably just as fond of!

Just teach her a few scathing responses to being infantilised by men. Especially ones who are still wet behind the ears.

Good grief OP.

Aw young love ❤️

I had 3 DDs (all now grown up) and personally I would not worry about this - they are just putting a toe in the water. Mine had crushes on peer boys at that age and it did them no harm.

I know it is a jolt when you finally have to come to terms with the fact that your DD is growing up and developing into a sexual being; but you need to gently help her through the confusions that this produces rather than coming down heavy on these first steps - she will not confide on you in the future if you do this; and you will need to have her onside in the next few years.

Does she know you look at her phone? I think that needs to be out on the open. It is a matter of trust - which again is going to be very important over the years to come.

I had a "boyfriend" when I was 13 - I survived this!

Take a deep breath and concentrate on the important things: keeping trust intact and keeping lines of communication open.

Steady hand on the tiller... a bit of VERY gentle pisstaking is as far as I’d go re the baby language, and a LOT of talk about her rights to her power to set her boundaries and pace.

@AnnaFiveTowns her DD is only 12 why wouldn't she be checking her messages from time to time?
My DD is also 12 and I check her messages periodically. I'm very glad I do that as I've found some spectacularly age inappropriate content on there recently. It's given me an opportunity to talk to her ( once I'd calmed down ) to highlight the possible consequences to her and how she could have handled it.
@Rosita101 I also detest Babe and Baby but would probably overlook that and just keep an eye on her messsges going forward.

At that age I was calling boys, going on cinema dates. Handholding and kissing. It was all very exciting but also very innocent, and good practice with asserting myself and managing it when I was a bit older and shit got realer.

Yes you're overreacting. This is normal.

Oh dear OP you are getting a kicking but I'm afraid o agree with the general sentiment. You are overreacting.

Just a word of caution , minimising it by saying "like interest" is not a great road to go down. My DM was a master at this and anything like this it was a comment along the lines of "oh well he is a lovely friend isn't he " , now granted my Dm took it to extremes and was saying this until my twenties.

All it does is belittle your dd. I know you don't mean it like that and at 41 of course I look back to those times and laugh. At 13 and upwards though, everything is important and real and a big deal. Don't sniff at it in front of her , it's just a way of telling your dd her feelings or experiences aren't real or important and shes childish.

I do realise you don't mean it like that but your perspective is not the important one. Just relax. I'm sure you have raised your DD to be sensible and you can keep a distance eye on it. But don't invalidate it by sniffing at it being a like interest and don't panic.

Honestly if the boy is interested in higs and handhelds I don't think that's too bad.

@StarCourt thank you so much for this. At least I know I’m going crazy. I also found weird messages from friends that was a good way to discuss the subject with my dd ( like you, after I calmed down)

That's all I'll add.