To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

If you are happy then that's it.

Funny how no one bats an eyelid about a father working full time, yet you are the one that gets judged.

Crack on with your plans- do what's best for you.

Just ignore. It’s your child, and you don’t stop being a person in your own right when you have a kid. No one has to stay home if they don’t want to.

If he says anything else just say “thank you for you opinion, I’ll be making my own decisions in regards to my child”. And then don’t engage any further.

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

I'm not going to comment on the nursery situation, but I really don't think this thread is going to help if that's how you're feeling. Why invite negative comments when you're already upset by the ones you've had from family and friends?

Did your dad look after you when you were younger or work full time? If he was working he has no idea what it is like being with a small child all day. My own dad tried to compare us having the same amount of children and knowing how hard it is, he doesn’t, he was never there in the same way as my mum! Do what is right for you and your own family.

Of course it’s not unreasonable! You are entitled to work full time if that’s what you choose to do, regardless of whether you “need” to or not. However, I must admit I don’t know many parents who send their child to nursery 5 days a week. It is a lot and where your baby is so young I think perhaps you’re underestimating how much you will miss them. But working isn’t a life sentence, if in the future you realise that perhaps you’d rather do 4 days a week and your work will allow this, then hopefully you can make a decision then based on how you feel once you go back.

Ignore all the negative comments, just say thank you for your opinion and trust that you’re uniquely placed to make the best decision for your family

If that's what you want or need to do, crack on. Why does it matter what anyone else thinks?

Your life your choice.
My baby started nursery at 8.5 months old and she'd be in 8ish until 5:45 ish 5 days a week.
She's 4 now and we have a great bond, she's very social, resilient and outgoing, was not fazed in the slightest starting school. I think nursery helped her with that

@Toocold

Did your dad look after you when you were younger or work full time? If he was working he has no idea what it is like being with a small child all day. My own dad tried to compare us having the same amount of children and knowing how hard it is, he doesn’t, he was never there in the same way as my mum! Do what is right for you and your own family.

No, exactly why I was upset with him. When faced with the situation he chose to work full some from when I was 2 weeks old!!!!!! It’s assumed that I curtail my career that I’m passionate about when him and other who have commented didn’t do that themselves.

He’ll be full time for 4 months..

I don't understand. You're on maternity leave but going to work?

@HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst

So you're on maternity leave and you want to send your 8mo into childcare from 8-6 2 days a week? Yes, I think you're being unreasonable.

One of them is a KiT day.

It's such a subjective area. Every family has a different set up with employment flexibility, help from grandparents, finances etc. Nobody can make the decision of what's best for you but you! There's nothing selfish about wanting to go back to work. I know several people whose children go in 8-6. Nursery is great for children in my view, as long as you find the right one. They get stimulating play, little friends to socialise with, and activities you might not have the facilities or time for at home. What does your DF think happens all day in a nursery? A Victorian schoolmarm making them sit still all day and learn times tables?? I wouldn't be comfortable sending an under 12-month-old but that's my personal choice.

It's 5 long days - is there a way you and DP can shift your hours so one does a later drop off and one an earlier pick up? Or perhaps DF could have the baby one day a week to help out, if he's so concerned?

Certainly no judgement from me about working, I was working from 6 weeks with both boys (one day a week, family childcare). My work is important and keeps me sane. But I did make adjustments after the kids were born, I'm not working full time at the moment, but I'm self employed so I have that flexibility.

This is one of those subjects where everyone has an opinion but it's all pretty irrelevant because only you and DH know what is right for your family.

Will you be better parents in the time you spend with DC if you get a break and are able to work in jobs you enjoy? I am. So in your shoes I would do what you are doing, and in fact I did. But that doesn't matter. Only you know what is right for your family. If this is the right decision for you, own it. You know best!

@FTMF30 yeah, one day a week is for KIT for 10 weeks. The other is so I can get stuff done and get a break.

Then the two weeks before I RTW is annual leave so still going to go the 2 days since we have to pay anyway.

I personally find sending your dc to daycare whilst you are on maternity leave a bit unreasonable but I can see why you would want to.

I just returned part time to work and send my 6 month old 3 days a week. She is loving it and having a great time. I miss her some days though! I know at this stage that she would struggle with anymore days at daycare as she gets very tired. I think 5 days would be to much for her and can’t see that changing anytime soon

I wouldn't do it, and didn't, my DH and I both reduced our hours so ours only went to nursery until lunchtime. 8 - 6 is a v long day, longer than a standard work day.

Also, do you mean your'e sending him to nursery while on maternity leave?

You also have another on the way? I can understand the comments tbh but you are the parent and, most importantly, STILL a person in your own right, so if that's what you think is best, then do it. Alot of people give FA about women's feelings and wellbeing when they become mothers.

Babies aren’t working at nursery it’s a home from home setting (usually).

If op wants to go back to work it’s fine! I don’t know why people get some weird about it.

How do you know you will be on maternity leave again when he is 15 months old?

DS has been going 8:30-5:30 since he was eleven months, he goes 9-5 at the moment because our nursery has reduced hours. He is an only and loves it, he has excellent social skills, his speech is much further on than his cousin who is three months older and he loves learning. My career is thriving I've been promoted since he was born and I've had similar but more subtle comments, oh you're back full time etc, funny no one has ever said that to DH although I am the higher earner. DS is happy, I'm happy and that's good for our family.

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

Do what is best for you and your family and ignore what everyone else thinks. I'm pretty sure your DF didn't spend all day every day with you when you were 8 months old did he?

I'll never forget the middle aged male colleague who commented "I'm surprised to see you back at work, babies need their mums when they're tiny" on my first day back after a year of mat leave. I should have politely told him to mind his own business, instead I cried in the toilets!

Oh ignore me. You are newly pregnant.