To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@Pancakeorcrepe I'll shock you now. I kept DD1 in nursery for 2 days a week when I was on maternity leave for the second time. It was a over-subscribed nursery and if we pulled her place we might not have got it back when my maternity leave ended, and, shock-horror, she enjoyed going so didn't see any reason to take her out, (and yes selfishly, it gave me a bit of a break from trying to juggle baby and toddler together). Again, she's 6 now and seems to have coped with the 'trauma' well....

This drives me mad. It's your child. Everyone should but out. My daughter went to nursery 1 and a half days from 9 months, then 2 and half from 1. She loved it and it was the best thing for her. We didnt have many friends with children so she loves being around other babies.
I once picked her up early when they were doing something and she cried Haha, she got fomo.
And during lockdown 1 when they reopened, I was still furloughed and we sent her back. She was so happy for a routine again and to see her friends. Me and OH loved the time together as well as I was pregnant so it wouldnt be like that for long!!!
My parents used to say the same. Oh it's such a long day for her blah blah blah. Even though she would come out every day happy, she would sleep really well too!
You know your child and your life OP. If you find later on you would prefer to be part time then see what you can do. But this is what you want right now, so do that.

People will judge whatever your choice around childcare. You just have to be confident it’s the right choice for you and your family and that’s all that matters. Yes they’re long days but they’re broken up by naps.

[quote KitKat1985]@Pancakeorcrepe I'll shock you now. I kept DD1 in nursery for 2 days a week when I was on maternity leave for the second time. It was a over-subscribed nursery and if we pulled her place we might not have got it back when my maternity leave ended, and, shock-horror, she enjoyed going so didn't see any reason to take her out, (and yes selfishly, it gave me a bit of a break from trying to juggle baby and toddler together). Again, she's 6 now and seems to have coped with the 'trauma' well....[/quote]
I think that’s a good idea - continuity for the baby and gives you a break.

I guess I don’t understand why two such long days when OP is still on maternity though?

It's not a long day though is it really. They just do what they do at home somewhere else eating, sleeping and playing. My son would have a two hour nap at nursery. They are not sat at a desk working from 8-6. They have cooked meals and snacks, other children to play with, different toys to play with and messy play.

I couldn't do it. If I didn't absolutely have to. You don't, you can afford to stay home. I think its a weird think to do when he is so young.

He'll only be awake with you for 2 days a week and a couple of hours the other days. You're not bringing him up the nursery are. This is surely the most important time to be with your child, they change so much and learn so much at this age. Their personality is forming, its strange to choose not to be part of that or want to enjoy it.

I find it even more curious you are having another child when you seem to enjoy work more than your baby?

I was a SAHM until youngest reached preschool age, so about four years.

My SIL did the same as you. Funnily enough she judged me. We're all open to being judged by someone imo!

I didn't judge her though. I knew that's what she needed to do to be her best and happy self. For herself and as a mother. Just like I knew that going back to work would make me miserable.

As for those making comments who haven't been in your position I would simply reply "Oh, is that what you did? No? Ok."

Also, I don't see the harm in your DC going in for two days now because that will help him settle in and adjust surely. Rather than going from zero days to five full days!

I don’t think parents ever think that nursery settings are utopias, but we tell ourselves what we need to get through the day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mum or dad drop off their precious child and then skip out high-fiving themselves for outsourcing their childcare*

It’s a means to an end and completely necessary for working families.

*I would skip now. In fact I would fucking cart wheel.

@Rangoon

I was back at work six weeks after a c-section with my first child and three years later I took another six weeks after my second c-section. I must be scary because nobody criticised me to my face. I am now financing my eldest through a very expensive course in a distant city and I am very grateful that I can do this. I might not have been there as much as I'd have liked when he was a toddler but I'll definitely be there when he graduates as a doctor.

@Rangoon This is exactly what I want for my children. Well maybe not to become doctors unless they want to be, but be able to afford the opportunities that will put them on that path.

If you feel able to do it then it is your choice. I worked half days when my dc were 8 months and used a child minder who was also a friend with a child the same age.I worked 8.30 to 12.30 until they started school.
I was a teacher.

People are different so it feels a bit pointless getting other people’s opinions on this.

I work two shifts a week and I count down every hour before I get home to my children. I rush getting changed at the end of a shift in the hope I’ll catch bedtime or see them before nursery. I figure on my death bed if I regret anything it will be missing any time with my children. I wouldn’t regret slow career progression. It’s funny because I find a lot of parenting exhausting and tedious, whereas at work I can feel my brain being exercised and I feel more useful. But it’s something very fundamental in me right now that is telling me my place and priority is with them.

We could do numerous studies on how children turn out according to how their parents manage childcare and work/life balance, but I imagine there’s no special formula and you just have to do what you feel is right at the time. It’s hard to relate but if you feel it’s right for you then that’s better than doing something you don’t want to just because it’s the ‘done thing’.

Just as an aside though - our children are absolutely exhausted from two days at nursery and DH picks them up 8-4:30 because it does feel like a very long day otherwise.

It's your choice. Don't worry what everyone else says... If it works for you and your family that's what matters. I did the same when my DD was 1 year old. She thrived at nursery. I saw a huge difference in her compared to my niece who stayed at home full time. My DD was much more social and confident. Also, when she started school there was no illness as she had built up immunity and no separation anxiety etc.

I think a lot of it depends on how your child settles. DD1 went to nursery 3 days a week and although she enjoyed it she always came home exhausted and I don't think she could have coped with more.

However DD2 currently does the same but bounces home with loads of energy and I'm wondering about increasing to 4 days as I think she'd be absolutely fine to spend an extra day there.

As a general rule though, everyone else should just mind their own business about this stuff. Especially men who haven't raised children in decades and even then left most of it to their wives while they worked full-time!

@ineedaholidayandwine

Your life your choice. My baby started nursery at 8.5 months old and she'd be in 8ish until 5:45 ish 5 days a week. She's 4 now and we have a great bond, she's very social, resilient and outgoing, was not fazed in the slightest starting school. I think nursery helped her with that

This

Do what's right for you and your baby. If you want to work and your baby enjoys the nursery then that will work well for you both. But - in order not to exhaust yourself I would see if there is any option for flexibility for you and your DP so you can do some earlier pick ups etc. (If you are both FT he needs to do 50%.)

Absolutely nothing wrong either with putting him in two days a week while you finish mat leave - you need a bloody break in this pandemic and it's a great way for him to get used to it part time. (Ignore the mummy martyrs on this thread who say this is unreasonable.)

As for your Dad - he is a total tool - is he usually this unpleasant and manipulative?? I would give him a wide berth for now - and be clear he has crossed the line big time. No one should express unasked for views on childcare like that, but more to the point - you are his daughter, so he should not be encouraging you to give up your career as it will make your very vulnerable financially in the future, not to mention bored and resentful.

Just be very clear with everyone going forward you are not asking for people's opinions.

Your life your decision. My children have done all sorts of days/hours over the years. All perfectly happy. The only time it's tricky is when you have to fit home work in around it. What would you be doing other wise? Sitting around the house trying to find things to do or go for a walk. Honestly the bonding moments are cuddles in bed in the morning and bedtime stories and having dinner together the rest of it isn't as important as other make out. Watching frozen together for the 100th time isnt creating a bond.

Regarding other people in your family commenting on this- not their circus, not their monkeys. Absolute gall for males in your family, who did not sacrifice their careers or take time off for their own baby's first year, to have any say on this at all.
If you can afford for baby to go during your mat leave and you need the time for KIT and also a day to just be yourself because mums are still people with needs too, then do it. It';; help your DS transition more easily to going more often when you return to work full time.
I'll be on maternity leave later in year and my DD will still go to nursery 2.5days a week - does that make me a monster? No. It makes me someone trying to improve their chance of retaining their sanity whilst adjusting to having two small children!

Send your kid to nursery op, they'll be fine.

If it makes you feel any better, dd is going to nursery 2 mornings a week (8-1) and I'm a sahm.

@ZoBo123

It's not a long day though is it really. They just do what they do at home somewhere else eating, sleeping and playing. My son would have a two hour nap at nursery. They are not sat at a desk working from 8-6. They have cooked meals and snacks, other children to play with, different toys to play with and messy play.

It’s a long day away from their parents though. For 5 days a week, the baby will be picked up at 6pm, have something to eat, quick bath, bed then straight off to nursery again first thing in the morning.

Your baby will only be spending 1-2 hours a day with their primary caregiver.

I did this for stretches with both dc, but the times when I managed to negotiate down to 4 days were a bit better for all of us. I've found that the quality of the childcare really matters if they're doing that many hours as mine were, and that's hard to tell from the outset.

Also some of the questions being directed at you on here by PPs are shameful- surely the questions like 'why are you having another if you love working more than your kid' should be being directed at both OP AND her partner. He also has the option to take shared parental leave, or reduce his hours to spend more time at home with children. It's 2021 ffs people.

Both mine went to full time nursery as I also love my job and didn't want to go part time. They are now at school and start in breakfast club and end in after school club. They love it. I never felt I missed out on them growing up.

On the day you want to get stuff done, do you really want to get up and out of the house to be at nursery by 8? When you're heavily pregnant?
I don't understand the long day that day. Nor the long nursery days when you are home with DC2 on maternity leave.

@Ileflottante um, who are you?

I’ve not been in this situation personally but I have friends and work colleagues whose kids went to nursery 8 till 6 from post mat leave whilst they worked full time in demanding jobs. In all cases their partner shared the drop off/pick up to accommodate longer working days/out of town days for either partner. In every case it worked brilliantly. The kids adored the nursery and there was absolutely no impact on bonding. They did all hire cleaners so that weekends were family time.

If it was me, I probably wouldn’t use the nursery so much during mat leave as those are precious days you never get back but once real life kicks in again, it’s the perfect solution.

Do not subsume yourself to motherhood. Enjoy both motherhood and your career