To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Why are you pregnant again? Is that the real issue here? It's a very very small age gap. Is it what you wanted?

I think the nursery is fine. I know people who've gone back to work at 6 months (many higher earners can only afford to take six months leave to pay the mortgage!) and sent their children to nursery 8-6 or employed nannies who will be there for longer.

The bigger issue seems to be that you've set things up so that the second maternity leave almost flows from the first. Is that a problem for work and are they trying to get you to go back earlier?

I'm afraid that my own work would have thought I was completely taking the piss if I'd taken a full year off (most people I've known have taken less than that -- I had nine months) and then come back for three months before going on leave again. They couldn't have done anything, but I know it would have created problems for my career. Is that what's going on?

People are so quick to judge. I went back full time after my first as we needed the money. And being full time meant full time maternity pay for number 2. We had 2 years like this, and yes it's hard because little one is tired after nursery so it's quick tea, bath and bed, but meant we could afford to live a much better lifestyle in the long run.

Just prepare as much as you can, batch cook and fill the freezer, I'd recommend team Tomm for a cleaning and laundry routine to keep on top of things.

Best of luck on your return to work!

Just remember they are children for such a short while.

My son who is in full time nursery (8.30 - 5pm) calls me by the name of a nursery worker all the time and honestly I think she has A better bond than I have with him.

If I had my time again. (And more money!). I wouldn’t have put him in full time. I think you miss out on so much when you only see them 5 hours a week mon - Friday

I would not give my opinion on this unless asked...
However. Since you started the thread... 😂

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but I’m not surprised you’re getting comments as I feel like it is a little unusual these days. Now that a lot more employers are more flexible.
Hence why people do things like share picks and drop offs so the day for the child is at nursery less time, or compress hours into a 4 day week.
But if that isn’t possible, it isn’t.

Of course nursery isn’t like being ‘at work’ but it’s not like being at home either, with a 1:1 carer.
Some people think that under 2yo it’s better for a baby to have one carer they form an attachment to eg a childminder or nanny, and then after 2yo the social aspect of nursery is really beneficial. I think it depends - as a good childminder maybe be better than a average to good nursery, but a bad childminder is worse than a bad nursery.

The poster that said you’ll miss the majority of his life... was obviously just saying that they change very quickly at this stage. There’s a reasonable chance you’ll miss things like first steps.

In summary - I don’t think anyone/many would do this by choice. They would rearrange hours so it’s not 5 days at nursery. But if you have no choice and it has to be like this, and can’t access a good childminder or a nanny, then your son will be absolutely fine.

As for the maternity leave/kit days. It’s a good plan to get him used to it and settled: I found 1yo to be quite a tricky age to settle whereas 9mos probably easier.
I personally would want to do a shorter day on the non kit day and collect him straight after they have tea but see how you feel.

People have opinions on everything. You need to do what's right for you. If you have come on here then I'm not sure your comfortable with your choices.
You and your OH need to discuss what childcare options are best for you.
What works for me and my family won't work for you. I work flexible shifts covering 24/7 (I always have done as it's the nature of my job) and it was best for me to reduce my hours as in the future I can increase etc and husband works full time (however it's flexi so can start and finish early/late when we need to) so need childcare 8:30-4 1 (sometimes 2) days a week. Then she'll do 15 hours at nursery when she's 3.
I find it a little weird sending your child to nursery 2 days a week for 12 weeks while your on maternity leave again.

@LunaLula83

Just remember they are children for such a short while.

But again, what makes one family happy is different to another.

I actually enjoy my children now that they are older and I’m looking forward to the teenage years when we can run further together, cycle further, travel longer etc. I was never very ‘good’ at playing with babies or toddlers, probably why I’m a secondary teacher!

Here's where I am with this. Neither is wrong. YANBU at all to want to pursue your career alongside parenting and good quality childcare can most likely assist you very well to do this, especially in the preschool years. YANBU at all to try to ensure your opportunities are not more limited than a man in your position. And it is true that children gain enormously from the focused time and attention of their loving parents attuned to them and this is one of life's advantages in a good home. And it is true that family life runs more smoothly if one or both parents has some work flexibility. It's fine for you to choose one end of the spectrum or the other or somewhere in the middle, deciding what is right for you and dh and your little ones. And what you think works might change. Dd1 went to a great nursery 4 days a week, when dd2 came along it was 3 days for both. When they started school I worked 5 short days. If I was doing it all again now there is shared pare leave etc I think me and dh would both have worked 4 days. You do what is right for you but accept that there are no rights and wrongs and don't I would suggest get entrenched in one viewpoint.

If you need to work you need to work. But sending such a small baby in another full day when your not working sorry you are being unreasonable.

If your DS is happy and enjoying nursery then I don't see the issue. 2 days a week really isn't that much - he'll still be seeing you loads.

Mine both did two long days a week after my maternity leave ended, which wasn't much older than your DS is. They are 6 and 4 now and are both fine! In fact I think it's done wonders for their confidence and social skills. When I've been to nursery drop offs the kids that seem to struggle most with nursery are the ones that start nursery when they are about 3/4 (with the free hours funding) who have never previously been away from their parents, and have massive separation anxiety. Personally I also think having a bit of a break from each other can really help mother - child relationships (I know personally I get irritable when I haven't had a break from the kids in days).

Funny also how you never hear people going on about whether dad - child relationships will survive dad going to work...

It’s your child and your decision, no one else’s business.
Having said that, I can understand the comments. It is a lot of time for a baby/child to spend in nursery. What did you discuss with your partner before getting pregnant? IMO this is something that should have been planned between the two of you. You can both reduce your hours slightly or shift them in a way that baby can be picked up earlier so it’s not such a long day, and maybe send him 3 or 4 days instead of 5. I’m also surprised you are expecting again as you don’t seem to be enjoying parenthood that much. I do find it odd that you are not even trying to maximise the time you spend together, it seems to be the contrary.

OP, my daughter went to a childminder for those hours at 16 weeks (I’m freelance in a career I’m passionate about). We moved and she went into a nursery setting from 8.30-6, and she absolutely loved it. Absolutely no regrets.

DD is 4 now and one of the most bubbly, confident, sociable little girls. And that’s not me saying that, that’s everyone who meets her. (Obvs covid stopped all that and now I wfh with her)

In no other place is this conversation happening with your DH.

Your baby will be fine. More than fine.

@Mrgrinch

I hope he doesn’t die when he’s 1.5yo that would be utterly tragic.. but of course not what the conversation is about.

Where did I say he would die as a baby, that's a disturbing conclusion to jump to. He's going to be a baby for a few short years, when he's an adult he's an adult. Do you really not care that you're missing out on that time?

Oh, it’s you again.

Do what works best for you. Mine was full time from 9 months as I didn’t want to hurt my career and we needed the money. Best decision I made, my little boy is happy and sociable.
People thought it was their place to judge and shame me about this - mainly other mothers. Ask them if they gonna have the same conversation with your husband. I doubt it. How you parent and the decisions you make are no one’s business

@KitKat1985 yours were doing two long days when you were back at work, OP’s is sending off hers for two long days whilst she is still on maternity leave. And five long days when she is back to work. I don’t think you can compare the two situations.

Hmmm parenting by committee is a good phrase OP, I'm going to pinch that.

OP, I have exceptionally judgemental in-laws who look down on my OH and his choices - and by association, they look down on me and my choices. Fortunately I was with my OH for a loooooong time before we had DC so I had time to work this out and realise I had to just not reveal much at all about our lives. And my OH feels the same and does the same. They know so little about our DC other than minimal and very bland updates 'oh he learnt a new word this week' etc.

Honestly OP I think the only way to avoid parenting by committee is to hold a bit back, if that makes sense. Because unfortunately people are always going to think they can raise your child better than you can. So take that power away from them.

Good luck to your DC when they start nursery, I'm sure they'll have a great time and get so much out of it

Yes that is a long time for them to be in nursery, especially so young.
Can you or your partner not reduce your days slightly?
They will spend more waking hours with their key worker than with you.

I'm a big fan of nursery, as long as it's a good one, my kids got so much from it. They didn't have any GP to have them for a day or so a week so it was our only option and they've bonded so well with the key workers who my eldest still sees on a daily basis as the school is nearby. If you're unsure maybe do a few half days and then slowly increase it?

I would never give an opinion if not asked but as you have: I find it a bit strange. I’d pine for my babies away from me at that age. I am however more family driven than work driven and I know for some, showing their family love is by working hard to provide them with amazing opportunities in life.

Has she started yet? Will she take a bottle at nursery? Mine can’t use a bottle so even if I’d wanted to it wouldn’t be an option.

Honestly 5 full days 8-6 is a lot, especially for a baby and I say that as a parent who works FT. I did reduce to PT when my kids were babies though, and DH worked flexible hours for a bit.
I think that there’s an uncomfortable truth in what your DF has said.

Mine went 4 days a week from 7 months when I went back to work. He loves it, he also loves me. No regrets at all. We have an awesome nursery though so choose your setting wisely and he’ll be absolutely fine.

You have your dc in childcare 2 full days and you are on maternity leave? Sorry with your dd here. And no I wouldn't put my 1 year old in full time, I took work that enabled me to stay home but that's my opinion, I know I was fortunate to be able to make that choice

@Letmeout21

I work in a nursery. The majority of children that do 5 long days miss their parents and it’s quite sad. They barely see them.

Agreed. I worked in a day nursery for a few years in my late teens and they are not the utopia some people seem to make them out to be. I realise though that some people have to work and have little choice but to send their DC to nursery FT.

Personally (only my opinion!) bringing up my child wasn't something I wanted to outsource. I had children because I wanted to spend time with them. It's only a short amount of time until they are at school.
I just find it sad that you'd want to send them to nursery FT when you don't have to.

I was back at work six weeks after a c-section with my first child and three years later I took another six weeks after my second c-section. I must be scary because nobody criticised me to my face. I am now financing my eldest through a very expensive course in a distant city and I am very grateful that I can do this. I might not have been there as much as I'd have liked when he was a toddler but I'll definitely be there when he graduates as a doctor.

Ignore.

He would've loved me. I stayed at home and have been with my kids 24/7 for 19 years.

None appreciate it, it's made no difference to them. But I've got no life and rely solely on a man so can't ever rock the boat or I'd have nothing.