To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

The majority of her life, what?! How does that work out.

OP, nurseries are great (once you have found the right setting), some people act like they're some sort of prison, but most children love them. Not from a judgement point of view but from a realistic one, 5 full days you might find that by the end of the week they are shattered and that feeds into weekends and sleep, but they will adapt.

oh and @FTEngineerM I put my dc in childcare from about 3 months with both of them for one day/a few hours so that I could have a break-in the first case and spend sole time with the other DC when the 2nd came along (no family to help, partner not able to help much).

As a mum you will literally be judged for anything. If you gave up work you'd receive stick for making yourself financially vulnerable, not setting your DC a good example etc. You literally can't win. So just do what works for you and your family. You don't need to justify your decisions to anyone. I'd stop talking to your dad about nursery. Maybe he feels so strongly because he regrets missing out on things when his children were little.

My eldest did three full days 7-12 months and five full days 12 months until she went to school. She loved it, wish I could have done the same with my youngest. If they love it, they love it. If not you'll know, and maybe have to rethink.

I sent both my DDs to nursery from when they were 10 months FT. So roughly 8 until 5.45 every day although when we could pick them up early or drop them off later we did. The main thing is that they are happy in that environment. We were lucky that our nursery was brilliant. They thrived there and are both very happy children now aged 5 and 8. I wanted to work and ultimately if you as parents are happy, the kids will be too. It's all about having confidence in the nursery. Lots of people made me feel guilty and sometimes it was tough to deal with. You have to make the right decision for you and your family. Everyone has different priorities and situations. If it doesn't work out for some reason you can always make changes.

It's totally up to you how you plan your life. I do think that when children are so little it's important for them to be with people who love them and personally I'm very happy
I had the choice and didn't have to send mine to nursery before they were 3. It doesn't have to be all on you though! Can your dad do regular childcare for you for free? Maybe a day a week? Can your partner and you work condensed hrs so each of you can have an extra day with your child?
At nurseries in the uk for kids of that age it's one carer per 3 babies I think, so however it might seem ok from the outside, they won't be getting as much attention as they would 1-1 with a loving parent or grandparent. There are plenty of people who won't agree though. Gosh, there are people I know who sent their kids to a boarding school at 7 yrs old to another country! I guess it boils down to what you think your role as a parent is and what your values are.

The majority of her life, what?! How does that work out.

Doesn't take much to figure it out.

@KitKat1985 again I don’t think it is a comparable situation, keeping your eldest in nursery when on maternity leave with second baby. It makes a lot of sense to do it that way especially with the oversubscribed nursery situation, and gives you a bit of breathing space to not juggle baby and toddler all the time. For me the difference is she was already a toddler, not a small baby, and also I bet you didn’t leave her from 08:00 to 18:00 on those days.
I’ll say this again, it’s OPs baby so she and her partner makes the decisions, it is no one else’s business. But she asked the question so we are just trying to frame why other people may have had the comments they had. I would never comment on this in real life because it is rude. I’m just doing it here because OP asked.

Unfortunately you’re going to get a lot of judgemental and harsh comments about it being too long, you missing out of their life and it being damaging for your child. Ignore them. Do what is right for your family and sod what other people think.
As for putting them into nursery whilst you’re on mat leave why not? It’s 2 out of 7 days. One day your effectively working and why not have some you time. It may even make you able to parent more effectively the other 5 days.

OF COURSE you’re not being unreasonable. And there is absolutely no good reason for you to listen to those who want to use this opportunity to feel smug and judgemental.

What you need to do is work at finding the courage of your convictions. Children need a happy and well-balanced mother in order to thrive. Anything that helps you will help them.

My daughter will go to nursery when I return to work, probably be there 7.30-5.30 most days so same day length. I actually think it's a brilliant idea getting your little one settled in (doing 2 days a week) whilst you're still on maternity leave - if that means you have some "you" time as well all the better!

It's different for everyone but we staggered our hours so that our kids could go 9-5 which worked well.

There's a lot of "oh I couldn't do that" and "5 days/8-6 is too long/too tiring for a baby" on this thread. Contrast it with some of the unhappy marriages where a SAHM is trapped financially and posters say "this is why you should always maintain your career and earning power". Bloody hell, mothers can never get it right can, they? Even in the eyes of other mothers.

I have two children and they both went to full time nursery from a few months old. They were absolutely fine and loved it. Going early meant they were used to it before separation anxiety stage. I will add that they were both very "busy" children who liked/needed a lot of stimulation. We struggled to keep them sufficiently entertained at home unless we went out doing lots of activities. So admittedly they may have been happier than shy, clingy children would have been.

i don't agree that nurseries are "tiring" for babies except perhaps in the early stages if they take a while to settle into napping somewhere different. Otherwise, they have meals and snacks, take regular naps, get taken for walks in a buggy have nappies changed and play. It is no more tiring than doing those things at home. They aren't strapped to a treadmill!

I missed them, of course I did. So did their Dad. They were pleased to see us at pick up (though sometimes protested if they were enjoying an activity and didn't want to leave) but didn't seem to miss us. To be honest, babies have very basic needs to be met. They don't really care who is changing their nappy, feeding them or singing Wheels on the Bus and shaking a tambourine.

It didn't spoil any bond. We remain very close to our children (now primary and secondary school ages) and I have no regrets. i agree with a PP who said they need you more when they are older. That is true because those needs (particularly at adolescence) are more complex and really do need mum and dad. We both still work full time but the seniority we have reached as a result of staying committed to our careers means we can be there for them as flexibly as needed. I no longer have to work in compliance with someone else's diary. Plus, we now earn good money which comes in very handy for the teenage years!

You are getting a hard time for using some nursery time while on ML. But one day is a KIT day - fine. Plus nurseries will tell you 2 days is better than 1 for "settling in" stage as its easy for baby to forget one day. So 2 days is better for baby too. Your baby will not know or care if you are at work or catching up at home. No one else's opinion matters.

if you enjoy your job and get satisfaction from career progression, you will be a happier person and by default a better parent. Not everyone is the same but this was definitely true for me.

In short, you do what works for you. What other people think doesn't matter. I stopped caring about that long ago and it has been so liberating!

Ignore the “I couldn’t do that”. Most of these people have either family to look after their children, don’t need to go back to work, or don’t want to go back to work. And that’s fine for them but that’s not your situation.
DS goes to nursery 730-530 4 days a week and has done since he was one. DH does all drop off and pick ups because I’m at work (he’s WFH full time even prior to COVID). I have negotiated 4 long days meaning I can work FT but I have Fridays with him.
We have no family locally so no options there and We need my wage to continue with the lifestyle we enjoy. And to be honest I’ve worked really fucking hard to get a senior position and I enjoy it, even taking a year out was a tricky decision. But it’s paid off and now I’ve got an even more senior role starting 1st March.
Do what’s right for your family and make sure you ask DF why if it’s so important he didn’t reduce his hours to spend more time with you. Misogyny at its best.

Everyone always has an opinion on what parents (mothers!) do
For example
Work =bad mum
Don’t work = lazy cow

Best thing to do is for you and DH to decide what is best for your family and do that and ignore everyone else
Have a few stock phrases you use eg thanks but we’ve already decided on that

It’s a very divisive topic.
I left a job earning over £100k that I loved to be a sahp. I had my own, personal reasons and returning to work wasn’t the right choice for me or my family.
If you want to return to work and both you and your partner are happy with this decision, what does it really matter what anyone else thinks?
I know a lot of my friends from work thought I was totally nuts. They still do! I don’t care! Your DC will be fine in nursery or at home.

Couldn’t do it and wouldn’t want to do it

No. Me neither.

Why people think they have a right to tell you what to do, I do not know. Tell anyone who thinks they have that right, to do one.

💐

Couldn’t do it and wouldn’t want to do it

But OP does want to do it. People are different, no one is right or wrong. People who went back to work and their children love going to nursery probably feel like that they don't want to stay home all of the time; just as you feel you couldn't put them into nursery.

welcome to being a mum, everyone's got an opinion. My dad doesn't understand how anyone can't work FT+ with two children and a partner that travels frequently. Someone always won't validate you!

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

Because the baby will be in FT childcare for 3 months??? A bit of an overreaction.

I don't see any issue with it especially as you'll be on mat leave again soon so I expect LO will be going to nursery part time again. In any event I put my kids in full time childcare from 6 months or thereabout it worked for us - for my first she went to a childminder for full days but only 4 days, then with my second she went to a nursery from 9m old for 5 full days and same with my 3rd child - all of them of course 'benefited' from my subsequent mat leaves during which they didn't go to nursery much.
Many parents all over the country send their kids to nursery Monday to Friday. It is what it is.

It won't harm your child to be socialised with other kids or to grow up seeing his parents work for a living. Some families flow better with sahp some with working parents, don't feel guilty for choosing to live your life the way you want.

[quote Mrgrinch]@Ileflottante um, who are you?[/quote]
Oh no one in particular. Was just subject to your wrath on a previous thread where you accused me of ‘not caring’ about sending my baby to nursery.

I was just deeply unsurprised to see you here.

As you were.

Oh it’s fine! Mothers and babies do not exist in silo. It’s a dyad. You both need to be ok and it sounds like you are not ok so whatever it takes to fix it is fine! 2 days a week having a break from being a parent could do wonders for your well-being and will benefit your baby in turn!

I know I could not have survived maternity leave without contact with other people, family and baby groups throughout the week. My heart goes out to all new mums doing it in lockdown.

Do what’s right for you OP xx

If he is so put out by it then perhaps he should watch the baby instead of nursery then. I doubt he will so no point in trying to guilt trip you over something he wouldn’t or won’t do himself.

I also bet none of the other men adding their two cents would do it either.

I sent my oldest to nursery for 10 hours a week when he was 18 months and I was a SAHM. We didn’t have any family nearby and my husband was away for almost 10 hrs every week day on top of business trips where he was gone for a full week. Our son in nursery was the only times I had to myself without being on alert and we continued those days when I became pregnant with our second. Oldest is in school and sent the youngest to nursery right before his second birthday so I could work part time not just because I wanted to but for extra security in case anything ever happen to my husband and I needed to jump back into the workforce. Easier to do that than trying to do so with several years gap in your employment history.