To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

How do you know you will be on maternity leave again when he is 15 months old?

I assume she is pregnant and knows when her next baby is due and when she’s planning to go on mat leave again?

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

I hope he doesn’t die when he’s 1.5yo that would be utterly tragic.. but of course not what the conversation is about.

Assuming he’ll live well into his 70s..

We have both condensed full time over 4 days so he isn't doing it five days a week one of us is off Monday and Friday both off at the weekend most of the time but always one of us. Yesterday when I collected him he came out cuddled me, then said go back in now?

He’s being utterly weird leaving you a voicemail about it, but I really wouldn’t elevate anyone else to ‘committee’ status even in annoyance/jest. People are going to judge everything you do, that’s human nature, and they’re definitely going to judge you putting your child in nursery while you’re still on mat leave. You have to either care what they think and do what they want, or not care what they think and do what you want.

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

Oh do be quiet.

@Mrgrinch don't be utterly ridiculous! I bet no one has ever said that to the child's father

I personally wouldn't do it, that's longer than a normal work/school day. What are you going to do when he starts school? But my kids' cousins do similar hours and now numerous breakfast, after school and holiday clubs and seem to be totally fine and unscarred. Just not a choice I would make, I worry my kids would be strung out and frazzled. So definitely think ahead, school comes around quickly.
YANBU to make that choice for your own family!

I'll just say 'solidarity'. I have done the same. I have started sending my LO (at 6.5 months) to nursery 1 day per week - exactly as you, so I could do KiT days and other assorted household tasks that needed to be done (like get the house ready for sale). My daughter really enjoys it, and now I am so glad she is going, as she is getting time with babies and others she hasn't gotten during this pandemic! Quite a few of my NCT group are now a bit wistful that she's getting a bit more stimulation than their babies. Per other comments: My parents went up in arms and claimed that I shouldn't EVER send my baby to nursery and I should plan to quit my job until she was 5 (ummm, no) so that I could be with her full time. What unrealistic world do they all live in?! Listen, it's not their child, not their money, and not their career and pension earnings, and guess what - you can also take a break when you want for you time. I honestly don't get why it's such a stigma to send your child to nursery or have a nanny, even if you don't work those days (I mean, it's a HUGELY fortunate position to be in, and not everyone is going to be able to, but it doesn't make it wrong!). No one would bat an eye at a dad having 'gym' time to himself, so why can't you have a few hours break if the baby is at nursery, etc. Anyways - good luck!

OP, you’re obviously feeling vulnerable at the moment so I’m not sure why you’ve started a thread inviting negative comments. All it will do is upset you.

You’ve made a decision you feel that is best for you and your family. That’s it. It really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks.

Of course it's fine to send your child to nursery. That's what it's there for and he is clearly thriving there. My own mother always worked full time and raised 3 kids. We all turned out well and respected her for her hard work. Ignore everyone please OP. Only you know what is right for your family.

My honest honest view is that it's a lot for a young child and its draining for everyone - child and parents. I wouldn't send a baby into nursery for 5 long days unless I had to. Not because its bad for the child or unreasonable to want to work, but just because it is so hard.

Having said that I worked 3 days when my son was the same age, although we were able to make the days shorter than 8 - 6. It was hard but it didn't do my son any harm.

I went to nursery 5 days a week 7.30-5 28 years ago. Pleased to report I'm a fully functioning adult and appear to have no lasting damage from it. He will be fine ignore what others say

I think a year old going to nursery full time so both parents work is fine, in fact in these covid times it’s probably the best place for them to be able to play freely etc.

Personally, I wouldn’t do 2 whole days at 8 months unless I had to, could you do 1 day for a kit day and then half a day nursery for some down time?

You’re investing in your career while dc is still young / I think that’s a good thing. I’ve found they benefit more from your attention and time when they’re older. 2 days week means you still have the rest of the week with baby. O you have a choice about going back full time after maternity? If you don’t then you can hardly be expected to give up work.

I was incredibly lucky that I had to return full time after first as it was the only way we cope afford to save and have enough money for a second maternity leave but we have grandparents to help for half the week. ( although that actually made things tricky due to the current pandemic!!) However , you have to do what works for your family, and if you are happy and baby is happy, who is anyone else to judge. I’m hoping to go part time after second as not going to lie, it’s been really hard going but that’s not guaranteed as I’m in a senior position and they may say I can’t at work . Don’t worry what anyone else thinks, do what you is best for your family .

Unfortunately, you will find lots of people have an opinion that they think you should share. My DS does long days like that in nursery and he is absolutely fine. In the first lockdown, I could have kept him at home but I kept sending him because it's the best place for him to be. They have food, friends, sleep, love, learning and play in a nursery. Please don't let others make your choices. Say thanks for your opinion and do what is best for you. If you sacrifice your work/career now it will have a lasting impact. And I bet you any money, your DH wouldn't do it! Because if you are concerned, that is an option too. The other thing about sending DC at 8 months is that they will never know any different. It's a good move.

I'm aware you've said you're sick of other people's opinions but have asked for them on here so I hope not to offend you.

I think if you look at the Stately Homes thread here there are a lot of now adults whose parents both worked full time when the children were small. It seems like the damage was more about a lack of parenting effort and/or emotional engagement with parenting, not how many hours they were together per se.

I can see why people would think working full time when you don't have to isn't compatible with wanting family life. But are you thinking once you have second child you'll still work full time? I appreciate you might want to work full time in your qualifying weeks to earn full mat pay.

Ultimately it's your decision. Personally I would split the second day into half days to get stuff done rather than a second long day unnecessarily.

Dd was 4.5 months old when I did that. Both my and DH's jobs are full on so DH would drop dd in as it opened at 8am and I was often only collecting her at 5.30/5.45....creche closed at 6pm.

She managed just fine. They used to give anyone in before 8.30 a breakfast, so she'd happily eat a second breakfast. There were lots of toys and other DCs, so she enjoyed that (only DC then and still now). The staff were lovely.

And I, while loving being a DM, was also really missing work and had no support structure near me. (Families are a t the other end of our country). So while I did add on a month unpaid leave, I only got 14 weeks paid back then so didn't have a huge amount of choice unless I was going to give up work. Which I wasn't for lots of reasons.

Dd was not the only baby that young, there was another exactly the same age, and 2 who were 8months old but had been there 3 & 4 months respectively already at that stage.

I hope he doesn’t die when he’s 1.5yo that would be utterly tragic.. but of course not what the conversation is about.

Where did I say he would die as a baby, that's a disturbing conclusion to jump to. He's going to be a baby for a few short years, when he's an adult he's an adult. Do you really not care that you're missing out on that time?

You’ve got to do what’s right for you as a family. That includes your own well-being and happiness. If nursery is right for you then do it and try not to let other people make you feel bad. My DD goes to nursery 2 days a week 8-5 and that works well for us.

I particularly can’t stand men who never stayed at home with their own children giving their opinions and judging harshly. They haven’t got a clue.

Families need to make the decisions which are right for them. I'm happy working PT for 2.5 days a week because it means I get to spend more time with DS. I'm less happy about the (probably irreparable) damage to my career. There's a lot to be said for keeping your career on track and maintaining your independence.

Anyway, why is it all on you? If you do feel it is too long, could both you and your DP look at dropping to 4 days a week and then baby could go for three days and have a day with each of you?

It’s your life so I would ignore the judgement of others and do what you want.

It wouldn’t have been my choice but 🤷‍♀️

Your df is being unreasonable, but full time is a lot of nursery imo.

I went back to work full time when DD was 18 months (4 days before then) and I’m not going to lie, it was hard - I was exhausted, I missed DD so much and I never had any time. However it has enabled me to have 13 months maternity leave with my second DC which was also time with DD because I had more money in maternity pay and had been able to save money. In comparison many of my friends haven’t been able to take as much time off with a second baby due to lower wages being part time.

Completely honestly, I couldn't have done it. I struggled with the rtw when mine was 10 months really badly, and started wfh when he was 13 months which tbh was a godsend. BUT that was me. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone else making a different decision cause it's none of my bloody business, just like your DF!