To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Send him from 8 months is my advice, he will be settled then bu the time you return to work fully. It's a lot harder to settle them at a year old. (I've run a nursery so have experience).
I'm due on maternity leave at the end of March. My 19 month old will continue doing two days per week throughout my leave.

I think that a gradual introduction to nursery via two days a week is a very good idea if they will be going full time when you go back to work. It’s too much of a leap otherwise from full time home to full time nursery.

However, being totally honest I don’t think full time nursery is good for a young baby or toddler and would avoid it if at all possible. This should not, however, be entirely down to the mother to accommodate. The child has two parents. What does your partner think about your baby being in nursery full time?

DH and I were lucky to be able to arrange this but we both reduced to four days per week after my mat leave ended. This was enough to keep both our careers moving upwards and meant our children were only in nursery for three days. For me, once they’re at nursery more than at home then I would feel uncomfortable. But I fully appreciate not everyone has much choice or flexibility. If DH hasn’t been willing to step up and parent his children the way we both wanted to, I’m not sure what I’d have done.

@Mrgrinch what's to miss? I absolutely hated being at home full time, I am not a teacher and need mental stimulation to be a good parent.

@FTEngineerM ds1 went to nursery 3 days a week at 8.5 months until he started school in September, hes confident has always been happy and I do not feel I've missed his life he spent the other 2 days with mil. For ds2 mil is no longer an option so he has started last week (8 months old) at nursery 2 days while I do my kit days, from March 1st he will be there 5 days from 8:30 - 5:15 (3pm finish on a Friday) hes settled really well and I am not at all worried about him - he gets fed and gets his naps and is played with all day every day while I pay to keep a roof over his head and provide him with nice things

My dd absolutely adored nursery and will still tell me her keyworker from baby room is her favourite teacher. They loved her too and looked after her with great care. She did 3 long days at nursery from 6 months old, the other 2 with extended family. Would have been happy to send full time to nursery if family weren't on hand. I needed to work as did my dh, financially and to preserve our identity. As has already been said, the father is never questioned for wanted to continue working, funny that. Pretty sure they have 50% responsibility!!

Do what you have to do. I wouldn't send a child that age for long days when not working though.

I did a few KIT days when I was on maternity leave and sent my daughter to nursery to get her used to it. It’s the ideal time to get them settled in. You’re not being unreasonable, it’s your family and if that is what works best for your circumstances then that’s the right thing to do. People stick their noses into everything when you have a baby

Honest answer is I wouldn't do it - you'll essentially be seeing your 1 year old two days a week by the time they wake up in the morning. Evening will be commuting, bath and bed. Not to say it has to be you - both me and DH dropped a day each then had a family member do one day.

I also think you may find the transition to two under two amplified if you'll go from one child in fulltime nursery to two under 16 months - would suggest a couple of days then to give you a break.

Absolutely not in the wrong and ignore anyone who passes comment. Seriously this is the kind of stuff that needs to end for woman to be equal in society and every woman who refuses to be manipulated helps achieve that. Carry on.

I probably wouldn't do it if you're not working as the guilt is quite hard. I did it though for working - 4 full days a week at 9 months. If it's just for getting things done around the house you could look at a private nursery that accepts the funded hours. There's a bit more flexibility that way and you can do half days etc

I work in a nursery. The majority of children that do 5 long days miss their parents and it’s quite sad. They barely see them.

I have 3 children and work full time. My eldest and youngest were / are both in nursery full time, the middle one did 3 days a week as I was part time for a few years so there is no judgement about using nursery full time to work from me.

But putting them in nursery from 8am - 6pm to have a break and to get stuff done when you are on maternity leave and have only one child? Nope.

My DC did 8-6 at nursery some days and just wanted to respond to pps who consider this to be excessively long for a tiny child - it’s really not like doing those hours in a school or work setting! They’re playing, hanging out and sleeping. And it winds down even further towards the end of the day as other kids leave so it’s generally a very relaxed and cosy setting by 6pm.

I remember school transition and being v annoyed at the weeks of half days to build kids up to a 9-3 day. I was so smug that my DC didn’t need all that, being used to 8-6... Erm no. School was a whole different ballgame that exhausted my DC until they got used to it! So so different from nursery.

Anyway, that only responds to one part of the concerns. Is five days of this a good idea? Only you and your DH can know this and you shouldn’t be guilted into another choice.

If it doesn’t work for you, you can change your mind later. Own your decision so if you have any wobbles you remember why, on balance, it’s the right thing for you and family.

I think it depends a bit on the nursery too. They are such a mixed bag. In a really good nursery with engaged and happy staff it’s fine IMO.

It might be a bit too much disruption for him starting him full time for a short spell of three months then taking him out altogether for your second mat leave. I don’t know- you know him best and whether he’s sensitive to routine or really easy going.

Not a criticism but I’m a bit surprised you’ve gone back in for round two so soon. I enjoyed a clear couple of years back at work and enjoying life a bit after my first mat leave. Ive found having two to consider so much harder.

I wouldn’t - short (half) days so they can gain exposure to nursery, see other kids etc, sure. And on KIT days see if the nursery can have them longer. Otherwise it seems over the top to me. However it’s your life, your career and your child.

You do what's best for you and your family and ignore everyone with unhelpful comments.

My MIL went back full time at 3 months because back then, in the country she was in, she would have lost her job otherwise. DH was fine and thrived. It was perfectly normal. We sent DS to nursery 3 days a week starting at 14 months with the aim to increase days. We wanted to send him 8-6 but it was too much for him so we BOTH adjusted our work hours to limit his time at nursery. Childcare isn't just your responsibility but I bet he doesn't make those comments to DP!

I actually think it's very sad to send your baby to nursery whilst you are on maternity leave.

Also 8-6 are VERY long days. That would be too long for me to be out of the house. I'm out between about 7:30 & 4:30 and I find that tiring.

I sent mine 2 days a week from the age of 6 months, then 4 days a week from age of 1. He's now 3 and goes 5 days a week and he has always absolutely loved it.
The nursery is brilliant and has helped him in his development in so many ways.
I'm so glad I decided to start him off at 6 months, as he never had to go through the separation anxiety he would've if he started older. I don't regret it at all. Means I can do my job and provide for his future, whilst knowing he's happy and well looked after during the day.

Not sure asking opinions is wise if you are already upset OP. People will be coming at this from so many different perspectives and experiences.

For example it would be so easy for me to say 'I could never do that' and for you to feel rubbish. However that is my stance because my parents didn't love me and wanted rid of me as much as possible. I have therefore veered the other way with my son and am a SAHM after a few years of part time work. However someone from a healthy family wouldn't feel that way.

Every family has to do what is right for them.

It is too long, and I think you know it is.

That is why the family comments are hurting and stinging, because on some level you really are not comfortable with it either. If you were comfortable the comments would not bother you.

I would think it would be best for you and dh to sit down and work out how you can reduce the hours to make it better for your children. They need to spend time with you, particularly at such a young age.

Couldn’t do it and wouldn’t want to do it.

So what makes you happy.

Both my children were in nursery from 7.30-5.30 from 9 months. They are now 9 and 6 and are in breakfast club at 7.30 and I collect them at 5.

I’ve heard it all from the older women in DH’s family - ‘they’re so little’, ‘they’ll fire easily’, ‘only young once’ etc

My children are healthy and happy and extremely active, probably more so than their peers who come in from school and air in front of devices and tv all evening!

Neither DH or I wanted to give up work - we wanted a large house, still wanted to travel, able to afford extra curricular activities for our children, save for their Uni funds. None of which would be post to or if we didn’t work full time.

Think about your family’s priorities and ignore all the other voices!

*possible to do

The ‘did your dad look after you or go back to work FT?’ is a red herring. The vast majority of people wouldn’t blink an eye if a woman went back FT and the father went PT and baby was split between father at home and nursery.

The issue here, that you’ve invited options on, is both parents working FT which necessitates FT nursery. I personally don’t know any families that thrive on this set up. Everyone is exhausted and there is no give in the system. If it’s to keep food on the table, I’d do it. If it isn’t, there’s no way I’d consider it.

However, as you state you’ll be returning to maternity leave before long, I assume you are wanting to return FT to get higher maternity leave. In which case, that should be included in the OP.

I had this same concern and decided to quit my job. I really regret it.

My daughter is in nursery full time even though I’m on mat leave. She absolutely loves it. Why why would anyone think it more beneficial to keep them home at the moment where they can’t do anything or go anywhere?!

She has been in nursery full time since 9 months as both of us work full time. I’m a better mother for it. My career is important to me.

My mum was a SAHM and made it very clear that she resented us for it. I would much rather have a happy mum that worked.