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Original poster

Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

894 replies

Dollyplum · 16/02/2021 16:30

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

OP posts:
suspiria777 · 16/02/2021 16:42

imagine you're talking about someone whose gender you don't know, or imagine them as a "plural" -- like your daughter for 14 years, and now your child going forward. Two people = them.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2021 16:46

Your daughter doesn't like sexism.

Neutral pronouns dont help you escape it.

Using the pronouns merely reinforces the myth you can. Its unhelpful.

You are what you are. Its inescapable in the long run.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 16/02/2021 16:48

So - name - would that be a gendered name?

Whatever you decide - make it blatantly clear that it is your choice to do this, and that any inevitable slips of the tongue/refusal by other family members to follow is also their choice and arguments/bullying or threats will not be tolerated.

BrumBoo · 16/02/2021 16:50

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ThatIsNotMyUsername · 16/02/2021 16:50

Oh - and things like getting a smear test or HPV jab (rubella, if thats still a thing) cannot be messed about with.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 16/02/2021 16:55

Knowing your daughter, do you think this is likely a fad or a long term, serious thing?

Either way, I would have a sit down chat with her and her family. Ask her how she wants to be addressed in different circumstances and also ask her to forgive you if/when you slip up. It won't be easy keeping it up all the time, you'll slip up from time to time and hopefully she can not take offence to this. Also share with her any emotions it creates in you. Afterall it would be very normal for this to trigger a sadness in her parents, to lose 'her' and gain 'them'.

RevIMJolly · 16/02/2021 16:56

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AnnLouiseB · 16/02/2021 16:57

They / them has been a single person pronoun since the 14th century. You probably use it as such all the time without realising (for example: ‘someone has left their coat behind. Maybe they will be back for it later’.) I know that doesn’t make it automatically easier to remember, but it may help you to realise that it’s something you already do whenever you’re talking about a person whose gender is unknown.

This is something that will make your daughter feel happier, more secure and more respected. For that reason it’s worth doing. And remember, the more tolerant you are of this, the more likely they are to be open with you about their feelings, including possible returning to she / her pronouns in the future if that’s something they want to do. Not all children who experience being non-binary return to their originally expressed gender, but if your daughter one day wants to it will be easier for them if you have been calm and accepting of their choices to date.

Winesalot · 16/02/2021 16:58

I hear you OP. It it is not uncommon. My teen's friends 4 out of 6 are trans and they are all 14.

Tartyflette · 16/02/2021 16:58

Your dd may not be there yet (and indeed may never do so ) but another no-no for young teenagers is breast binders, due to potential harm.

42goingon90 · 16/02/2021 16:59

Just try your best. I'm sure they will forgive you the occasional slip up if you're able to show you are trying your best to use they/them pronouns.

crivit · 16/02/2021 17:00

They / them is also historically singular. We use it frequently in the modern world when we don't know which gendered pronoun to use.

I would seriously try hard to respect their wishes on this. A relatively small change on your part (albeit with an effort required at the start) can make a big difference to someone. You also sound like you've already been very supportive too 😊

HmmSureJan · 16/02/2021 17:02

I have a 14 year old. There are interests she had six months ago that I cannot mention now because "Mum stop! It's so embarrassing!!!" I believe the majority of young people will move out of this if everyone around them is relaxed and doesn't take it too seriously. I'd say to my dd "hey you know how much I love you and think you're great however you want to be but I am not always going to get this right, it's a big change for your old Mum, be patient with me!" and I know she would be. Just leave the door open for her to come back from it in the future. The worst outcomes in these situations usually arise from parents taking it super seriously in a bid to show how supportive they are. I honestly would just be saying "ok babe whatever you want, love you!" every time she discussed it with me.

Dreamingofvenice · 16/02/2021 17:05

I know this is not quite what you're asking but my DP is Hungarian in Hungarian they dont have he/she just the gender neutral Å‘. So when he's speaking in English he often gets he/she mixed up and despite knowing him for 10 years it still confuses me when hes talking. So my point is this will take time to adjust too personally I would just try and use the new name instead IYSWIM

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/02/2021 17:05

I always find plural pronouns for a person really confusing!
Can you just use her (new) name instead of pronoun?

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 16/02/2021 17:10

I read an article about an actor who went by ‘they’. It was genuinely confusing even through I knew beforehand.

SoupDragon · 16/02/2021 17:11

They / them is also historically singular. We use it frequently in the modern world when we don't know which gendered pronoun to use.

This. As well as being plural it is also used as a gender neutral singular and always has (albeit not in these very specific circumstances).

"I went to the doctor"
"Oh, what did they say?"

"I spoke to my friend Alex"
"Oh, what did they say?"

SoupDragon · 16/02/2021 17:14

OP explain to your DD that you will try your best to remember ti use them/they but might forget sometimes. TBH, I can't think of many occasions where I would be referring to my children using a pronoun within their hearing.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/02/2021 17:23

My DC is the same, 15 years old and has been identifying as non-binary for just over a year while now.

While I disagree with the entire concept for various reasons (I'm a gender abolitionist feminist), it's not my choice to make, it's my DC's, and I'd far rather we kept the conversation open and honest, with me on their side rather than making it a battleground. We agree on far more than we disagree on, and the teen years are all about trying on various hats to figure out who you are.

The pronouns were hard work, both grammatically and because it'd known them as 'not them' for 15 years, as you say. It really was just about practice. I used the pronouns whenever I was talking about DC, whether they were around or not, despite some awkward conversations that were half-wrong and frustrating. But after a couple of months' practice it's pretty much second nature now, and I know DC appreciates that I make the effort. Good luck!!

AnnieLobeseder · 16/02/2021 17:27

@SoupDragon - this is half the problem, you don't often use someone's pronouns when they're around, so when people change them, they're asking for everyone they know to perform mental gymnastics all the time when talking about them, and they're not even there to appreciate it!! Grin

But I found that it was much easier to get the pronouns right around DC when I used them all the time, so I use them/they whenever I talk about them now, not just when they're in earshot. And really, as a matter of simple courtesy people's chosen pronouns should apply under any and all circumstances.

Treebranch · 16/02/2021 17:27

They / them is also historically singular. We use it frequently in the modern world when we don't know which gendered pronoun to use.

Some people may, others not. I'm being required to use it as singular at work atm and it just seems wrong wrong wrong. Ugh so confusing and ugly.

However, we must move with the times! And this gender neutral stuff is very normal now. My experience is as PPs say, that if you do a good faith effort with the pronouns, that's enough for people, even if you slip up sometimes.

About the children, they are right, of course. The gender binary is ridiculous and oppressive and it always has been. Each generation and each individual has to find a way of dealing with it, I suppose. This non-binary "they" method is not the worst way.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 16/02/2021 17:29

Op, this is a big change for you and your family. Your child has had time to think about who they are and how they now want to be addressed. They have considered this for a while.

This is "new' news to you and It will take you and your family time to adjust. You sound like very supportive parents and family.

I do not know what i would have done in your position. But, as a parent , It is ok for you and your family to take time with this. It is ok for you and your family, given generational differences to take time to adjust. You are not being stubborn, you are adjusting and that is ok.

You clearly love your child and they have a safe space in which to explore who they are within their family.

If you do not want to reach out to your child's sch for additional support for yourself, have a look at on line "for parent" groups, those in a similar position to you.

You are not being stubborn OP, you are just taking time to adjust. You and your family are entitled to take time to adjust. Take the time you need and put no rush on it.

Your child is safe with you and in the bosom of their family. Your child is safe, confident, loved and being nurtured. Take some time for yourself now OP. Your child is 14 yrs old. They will understand you need time to adjust.

Talk to your child and explain. They have expressed themselves to you, communicate back, it will take you time to adjust your terminology. It will take time. It will just take time and patience on all sides.

You are a great mum op.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2021 17:33

Do you have other children?

Their identity is partly based on their role in the family unit.

Allowing one child to redefine that affects others in the family dynamic.

Simple questions like 'do you have any brothers and sisters' become a minefield and quite traumatic. It makes it harder for them to build relationships.

It removes power from other children and my psychologically have an impact on them.

WestendVBroadway · 16/02/2021 17:34

@AnnLouiseB, Really helpful example. I will use that with some of my colleagues who 'seem' to not get it when students identity as non- binary, and wish to be referred to as such. Strangely enough very few of the other students have any problem using they/them etc.

WannabemoreWeaver · 16/02/2021 17:41

I would just explain you will do your best but have been raised to see they and them as plural and it doesnt come naturally to use them with one person. And then keep trying to do what they want, but expect them to cut you some slack if you slip up. Glad they are happy and have your support.