Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

[Dollyplum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

@Catsandbats

Sex and gender are distinctly different things. Sex is solely what you are assigned at birth from your genitalia. This does not by any means define your gender, which is an entirely separate thing. You may know your child’s sex, but that is by no means their gender

@Catsandbats

Sex isn't 'assigned at birth'. It's not handed out like a bloody ticket. Sex of the fetuse is created as soon as the sperm meets the egg, and is noted at birth as is observed by the HCP.

A gender is a different thing for sure. What that 'thing' is, no one can explain (something about male and female personality traits, which seems awfully regressive and full of sexism from the vague explanations I've been given). You no sooner know someone's gender than their religious beliefs.

However, as I previously said, non-binary is particularly nonsensical, by it's very definition literally all of humanity would fall under that particular umbrella. Many gender terms scream 'I'm a young person who needs to label my individuality', just like most of us were like at teens. Unfortunately, unlike every other generation and our stages of self discovery that took... unique turns, going down the gender road can have disastrous consequences that a young person may find difficult to back out of. It's highly important that the op makes sure their child feel safe and supported. It's also important that the child can feel they can back out of this 'identity ideology' if needs be, and that means both parent and child be fully informed of the good and bad around gender beliefs.

@Shelby2010

I haven’t quite grasped the difference between non-binary and gender non-conforming. But it seems that most women don’t embrace all the Barbie doll stereotypes & are therefore non-binary?

I reckon as a slightly overweight frumpy middle-aged woman, I could singlehandedly make it all very untrendy just by declaring myself non-binary. The teenagers would be finding a new way of exploring their angst faster than I could declare my pronouns.

Just start using the 'mewself' pronouns. You actually have to be taken seriously. Seriously.

Or just ask her to articulate - without absolutes and meme-speak - what she thinks. What she thinks about sex and representation of women in media, politics and social life.

We need more critical thinking young women our there, not those who run and think they can opt out of womanhood.

However she identifies, she's still their sister. Humans are a biologically binary species.

@Ahmnotacat

If you found a random object on the floor, whos owner was not known then people would use it automatically

"oh no THEY dropped THEIR glove, I should return it to THEM"

But that's not the same thing, and it's weird and difficult to constantly refer to your child as if you don't know what sex they are, when you obviously do.

I feel the same

"@RedToothBrush There is no support for parents or adult siblings.
Its a taboo subject. We must submit to demands of the lobbyists. And ignore that identity is not individual. You dont get to pick and choose however much you may want to. "

There is support for 14 yr old children and their families. Stop forcing your agenda on others.

Imagine you are writing an email about someone who had a gender neutral name. You didn't know if they are make or female.
You don't want to offend anyone so you would be cautious so

I am writing to you about Sam, they have asked me to do x, I will speak to them on Tuesday and ask them to complete y.

It's just practice

[quote ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]"@RedToothBrush There is no support for parents or adult siblings.
Its a taboo subject. We must submit to demands of the lobbyists. And ignore that identity is not individual. You dont get to pick and choose however much you may want to. "

There is support for 14 yr old children and their families. Stop forcing your agenda on others.

[/quote]
Im not.

Go look around MN. There are plenty of people saying there is no support for them or their other children.

The only position allowed is complete capitulation to the ideology.

Whatever happened to tomboys? If you don’t like pink fluffy things as a teenage girl are you now non binary -Jesus I’m glad I’m old

My DS has a friend (aged about 21 I think) who is a "they." I have no problem calling them "they," but it took a bit of remembering at first and I'd have to correct myself in mid-sentence. What surprises me a bit is that they still happily use their original, obviously female name (it's something a bit like Roisin but not that - there is no male equivalent). I'm not sure what the thinking is behind wanting to be "they" but not choosing a more androgynous name.

I am really struggling to know when you would use pronouns with someone you like with. I rarely use pronouns with people I live with. I virtually use their name. I can't imagine it will be much of an issue going forward.

Outside the home I can imagine people find themselves at the end of a pronoun discriptor e.g. who ordered these chips? She did in the red jumper.

Live with that should be

"@RedToothBrush Go look around MN. There are plenty of people saying there is no support for them or their other children.
The only position allowed is complete capitulation to the ideology."

There is plenty of support.
Give over with your " complete capitulation to the ideology" big word bullshit.

No Op , don't go looking around MN. Full of @RedToothBrush et al bitter crap.

The OP is asking for support as a mother. A mother who is coming to terms with their child's desire to be addressed as something different to what the OP has called her child for the last 14 yrs.

This is the OP's post. The Op has asked for support ,adapting to how to address her loved child, not a lecture on a whole host of political and gender debate issues.

This is about power. She’s probably never had power over her parents before and I expect this is all making her feel rather superior. She can now tell you off / accuse you of being transphobic etc if you make what according to her is a mistake. But it’s really all about power, as controlling language usually is.

I wouldn’t call my child ‘their’ when that’s grammatically incorrect, if she really wants to be nonbinary then the grammatically correct term is ‘it.’

Neither would I humour that child or acknowledge a biological female as anything other than a biological female.

This is about power. She’s probably never had power over her parents before and I expect this is all making her feel rather superior. She can now tell you off / accuse you of being transphobic etc if you make what according to her is a mistake. But it’s really all about power, as controlling language usually is.

Agree with this.

Are you in control in the house?

"@MrsBobDylan
OP I would take a look on NM feminism board to see how this sort of thing is undermining women. Please try and speak to your dd about the wider implications of her decision."

Op, i would look at this and tell my child to give Jack shit!