Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

He feels the same as you

You both want baby to have your surname

No LTB from me but I would think very carefully about having children without being married.

Both surnames sounds the only sensible compromise, doesn't sound like he wants to meet you half way though. You sounds totally reasonable.
He doesn't get to play the "tradition" card when you're not doing the traditional marriage etc, and like you say he's wrong on that front anyway.

You're willing to compromise on double-barrelled.

He needs to compromise - there is no compromise from him (him being willing to let you change your surname is not a compromise).

In your shoes I'd be telling him to choose between double-barrelled or your name.

I can see both sides as you obviously both, like your surnames and want to pass them on to the baby so why not use one as middle name?

I will add though that not being married is most likely a disaster waiting to happen. You should protect yourself and your child and get married asap. You're leaving yourselves very vulnerable.

I would agree with you and wouldn't give baby a different surname to me. Getting married is 'tradition' but you arent doing that so it is no argument for baby having either name. Only compromise is double barreling really. He just needs to get used to the idea.

The obvious solution here is that you double barrel baby's name and use that full name all the time. That way you both get what you want.

As some one with a double barrelled surname, I wouldn't say it was 'common'. Mine was done 5 generations ago to make a very very common name a bit more unique.

On the not getting married front, totally your choice but make sure you're both fully aware of the legal situation for you and child and what documents should be in place before baby arrives. Top of that list is a will.

Friends of mine were dead set against marriage until their daughter arrived. Looking through the legal stuff they decided it was just easier to get civil partnered (they're straight)

Your options

• dad's name

-mums name

• both names
• new name

The problem is your partner will only consider one name at the moment. You are happy with two options, including the compromise option.

Your DP needs to consider others points of view.

I also recommend not becoming a SahM and looking into shared parental leave.

@Parkandride

Both surnames sounds the only sensible compromise, doesn't sound like he wants to meet you half way though. You sounds totally reasonable. He doesn't get to play the "tradition" card when you're not doing the traditional marriage etc, and like you say he's wrong on that front anyway.

This. If tradition is so important to him why is he against getting married first?

This is why we got married. Well a part of it. We are now "the smiths" for example. All together. One family.

I would also reconsider from a protection point of you. For you.

Just give baby your surname.
He can have dad’s surname as a middle name.

@PotteringAlong

No LTB from me but I would think very carefully about having children without being married.

It's a bit late for that.

Neither of you are unreasonable. Double barrelled name is the compromise though - unless one of your surnames can become a middle name? I personally find DB names a bit fussy, but not common. I know someone who thinks they're positively posh (they have delusions of grandure though).

@JustLyra

You're willing to compromise on double-barrelled.

He needs to compromise - there is no compromise from him (him being willing to let you change your surname is not a compromise).

In your shoes I'd be telling him to choose between double-barrelled or your name.

I agree with this. His position is that he gets exactly what he wants - well, that's not a negotiating position.

Do not agree to give his name with yours as a middle name - for some reason this is often seen as a 'compromise' but it really isn't, it's just giving the baby his name.

It's common in some countries such as Spanish speaking ones to give a child both surnames - eg Baby (father's surname) (mother's surname). No double barrelling and DC could choose just one to be informally known by at school but have both surnames on the school books, and on DC's passport so no issues if you need to collect DC or travel together with different surnames (not sure how often those issues really arise but I've always thought it's something to be aware of with having DC with a different surname)

Double barrel it. If he won’t compromise then just yours. Because if you split up in the future statistically speaking you’re more likely to end up doing the bulk of parenting. Plus, if he’s so keen on tradition, that is the tradition as you pointed out.

You are correct.

It is tradition for the baby to have the mother’s surname. OFTEN that is the same as the fathers as TRADITIONALLY the parents are married and the mother has changed her name.

However if unmarried or mother not changed her name then traditionally it’s the mother’s name that the baby takes. So if he wants to play tradition card that’s what he gets.

Dad could always change his surname to yours.

Double barrel. It's actually your decision, only you can register the baby. So if he wont accept double barreling then give baby your last name. You're willing to compromise, either he compromises too or he does without.

I totally understand the comments about marriage and it's honestly something that I've considered at length. I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious.

People change and I want to choose to be with him every day rather than feel that I have to because I couldn't afford to leave.

We own separate houses (renting mine out currently) and have separate finances and I am very happy with the situation. Although I trust him as much I could ever trust any man, people surprise you.

YANBU at all. He is being very unreasonable.
As you're not married and don't plan to marry, he can't register the birth without you, so you can in fact name the baby whatever you want 🤷🏻‍♀️
Double barrelling is not "common" (I have two surnames and was teased at school for being "posh" because of it, go figure!) It is becoming the norm more and more, and is in fact the norm in Spain.
In your position I would insist that baby has both surnames (in whichever order sounds best) and they are both used all the time or baby just has your surname and has DP's surname as a second middle name.
I assume you intend to share parental leave and return to work?

He's operating from a sexist position (giving baby his name is a source of male pride and indicates his possession of you and baby) while you're operating from a physical one (baby came out of your body). No way would I give baby his surname under those circs.

My bro in law was banging on about it being tradition for kids to have dads name and we had to tell him not to be thick of course it isn't when you are not married. Double barrell but why drop one for school? Just use both. My son hasn't seen his dad in 11 years he still uses both surnames as that's his name.

I think he is being U about double-barrelling being "common"... has he seen how many names some of the (dwindling) aristocracy have?

Neither of you are otherwise being unreasonable. Double-barrelling is really the only way out of it. Unless you compromise on the other names, e.g. he lets you have the surname and he gets his choice of first name.

Separately, and I know you didn't ask this question, but if you earn the same or less than him, or are planning to be a SAHM / work part time, please make sure that you have put some legal protection in place if you aren't getting married and you are to be the main carer, e.g. if you don't do this and he were to predecease you, everything would go to his children, not to you. Likewise, he can leave you high and dry financially if you were to split up and you aren't married.

Hi @Same4Walls could you please explain this? I will add though that not being married is most likely a disaster waiting to happen. You should protect yourself and your child and get married asap. You're leaving yourselves very vulnerable.

Double barrell is the compromise if neither of you want to change name.

If he doesn't want that then surely it is your name? He has to decide what is better double barrell or your name. He can't say I want my name and no compromise.

Huge eye roll at calling it common. Not very nice.