Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

I double-barrelled my children’s surname in a similar situation to you, and honestly, I have always regretted it. I wish they just had my surname. We split up very early on, and my children have always been known as my surname only, but I am unable to change passports, etc. Which I hate.

I would never make that mistake again.

Chloemol thank you, but I don't want to do all of that. I don't see a need, truly. We're getting wills sorted soon which will suffice.

Don't give the baby his surname op. It's up to you anyway. He can't register the birth if you're not married so it's entirely your choice.

No one sees themselves splitting up OP at this stage in their relationship unless it's already bad.

Happy relationships gradually become unhappy ones for so many people.

See a solicitor to sort out wills and power of attorney etc so you are protected as much as you can be. Double barrel is literally the only compromise. If he's concerned about it being common then your name it is.

Hi OP

Good to see he will be paying your share of the bills over mat leave. I hope he is paying his share of baby stuff as well.

We are married but I didnt change my name. Ita a hard one and my husband is the last Male of his name and didnt want it to die out (my family name has not carried on either as all the males had girls but its not unusual). In the end he said we could use my name and that took the wind out of my sales and I said they could have his.

We didnt double barrell though we have my name as a middle name. So we say to my children they have two second names and they can choose which one. They turned out to be girls so if they have the same view as him on naming any children they might have, his name will die out anyway!

I'll be honest though it's a pain in the ass. My husband does his fair share of things with the kids but I work one day less than him so end up taking them to official appointments on my day off. And every time have to correct assumptions that their surname is mine or the other way around.

From a purely practical point of view I'd say whoever is taking their child to doctors / dentists/ nursery and school registration etc it makes sense to share the same name especially if you're ever going to travel without them (which we sometimes do, sometimes my husband will drive with all our stuff and we fly, or he is on a work trip and we fly out to meet him, but he hasn't flown with them on his own).

Also as others have said his tradition argument is bullshit given its incorrect and also if tradition mattered he would be wanting to marry you.

I wouldn't give your child his surname. Double-barelling is more than fair from you. If he's not willing to compromise then yours it is!

you can double-surname without it being a hyped double-barrelled name

So baby is called

Babyname MiddleName HisSurname HerSurname

(or swap the order of the surnames). But definitely have them both there and then it is relatively easy to choose which one baby is known as. e.g. the school could call the register as Babyname HerSurname

The marriage issue is irrelevant to the name issue because you would likely keep your own names on marriage anyway, and either party can do what they like with their surnames, married or not.

Citing a patriarchal tradition would be a red rag to me. Between his judginess over hyphenated names being supposedly ‘common’ and your wish for your child to carry your name, (as does he) then your wish wins out every time.

It’s the 21st C . Equality. Tell him you understand his wish for his baby to be named after him because you feel the same thing. And you do not see why you or any other mother should lose out on that because of a sexist tradition.

And if there is any talk of a middle name comprise, let it be his.

Bloody hell, these men!

Please make sure the baby has the surname that you want him or her to have OP. Whether that be as part of a double barrelled surname or just your surname or whatever. It's your baby and I assume your first child, you don't want any regrets.

My OH's brother is also expecting a baby with his partner and is trying to pressure her to make sure the baby only has his surname. Even my in-laws have got involved trying to apply pressure. It makes me and OH deeply uncomfortable to know this pressure is being exerted on a pregnant woman, but fortunately his partner seems pretty self-assured and a confident woman so I think hopefully she will prevail.

I also completely understand where you're coming from OP with regards marriage. Just do look after yourself financially and legally. Good luck with a healthy and happy pregnancy

Also why does he think he gets the final say and you have to compromise? Surely you both compromise?

Other alternatives is pick a new name for all of you to share. Eg he is Macdonald, you are Johnson, you both pick Donaldson and both change and give your child the combined name

I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc,

That’s more than a compromise. That’s him more or less getting his way. A name is essentially what you are “known as”. Yet he is not even happy with that. He is being beyond unreasonable.

You are correct that if you’re unmarried, the baby should “traditionally” have your name, but the compromise option is to double barrel and use both barrels (as it were ).

You won't marry him because you don't trust him but you're having a kid with him?

I love and trust who he is now completely, he's wonderful and has never given me any reason to doubt him.

My point is that any partner or husband or wife could become a completely different person in 10 years and do things you'd never expect like have an affair or hit you, I want to be able to get away easily.

That is not a reflection on him, it just makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

Put his name as a middle name. I did it the other way around and then changed it to double barrelled. One bitter break up later I am stuck with it and the kids hate it and only want my name.

For all sorts of reasons - travel being the main one I wish they only had my surname.

Are you taking much time off work after the baby is born? If so, make sure that you are not solely financing it.

The same with childcare costs and nursery drop offs and pick up. So many mums end up taking the full hit for the costs of raising children.

It is not easy to totally disentangle yourself from all assumptions that everyone has about the DC being your job and your expense.

Non resident parents are not really expected to make a meaningful contribution to their children's upbringing. Dsis's ex partner pays maintenance equivalent to maybe 1 week childcare a month, while Dsis obviously has the other 3, plus an extra bedroom, food, clothes, entertainment to pay for.

You do need to plan for things going wrong. Surely, the whole point of making plans is to safeguard yourself and your child for any eventuality.

Our Dc have hyphenated surnames, both our names, and have both individually flown with them often with no hassle whatsoever.

If you are not married and split up - potential you end up with a small amount of maintenance. If I ever could go back in time I would refuse to have children with anybody who would not sign a legal document to pay 50% of all nursery costs and wrap around children’s care as well as CMS. My child care was £1500 a month he paid £250 - it broke me

The only fair way is for the baby to have both surnames.

The OP has her own assets and income, and as long as she does not stop work (and her own pension payments) there is no reason why she is more vulnerable.

For all we know she might be the higher earner.

OP you hold all the cards here as he can’t register the birth and even if you were married in the event of a dispute the mother gets final say on the name.

He can be grateful you’ll compromise and double barrel because he’s incredibly entitled to assume his surname would feature at all in the circumstances.

In your financial position, I agree getting married isn't necessary. But i would make sure that you absolutely don’t sacrifice your career in anyway now. If you're considering pt, both go to four days rather than you to 3 etc.

As well as wills, make sure you have life insurance to pay out to the other to help raise the child.

And I would not be compromising on the name. Tradition doesn't actually matter to him as he didn't want to get married before having a child. So ignore that. But you're right. Traditionally children have their mother’s name. Always give baby mother’s name.

Erm he wants to because it’s “tradition” ...so is marriage.

You can’t see you splitting up? Don’t be ridiculous. Do you think any couple does?

If you don’t want the protection of marriage the baby should definitely have your name.

@PotteringAlong

No LTB from me but I would think very carefully about having children without being married.

Why the fuck do people say this when the op is already pregnant 🤦🏼‍♀️

All children should take the mother's surname married or not. Half of marriages end in divorce and in the vast majority of cases the children stay with the mother. It makes practical sense.

I was married for 20 years and kept my own name and so did the kids - just as well as he then chose to have no involvement. I would hate them to now have his name.

It's a red flag that you are willing to compromise with double barrel but he isn't. Stand firm.

Haven't RTFT but I posted something similar in Baby Names! We are married (I'm double barrelled) and I think I'm going to give the baby both our names.

One option I considered is dropping the hyphen (since your DP doesn't seem keen) and having two surnames - the Spanish do this, everyone has their mother and father's last name but most go by just one every day use. That could be a compromise? Rather, your DP needs to compromise!

You won't marry him because you don't trust him but you're having a kid with him? I find that strange.
Not strange at all. OP is a woman who has avoided being strung along by the idea of weddings being a big, romantic party, has done her research and has decided that marriage isn't for her. Marriage is a legal contract that binds a couple's assets in a way that the OP doesn't want to when she owns her own property and they have separate finances.

If someone has made an informed decision then they live with the outcome either way. It's not like she's doing what people on many threads have done, not marrying, giving up work, being financially dependent, no claim on the house whilst doing all childcare etc, all whilst claiming that they don't need a party to prove their love.