Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

If you don’t want the protection of marriage the baby should definitely have your name.

What protection that marriage can provide is relevant to my situation?

Completely agree @boomclaps! Bit late now! It's 2021, people don't need to be married to have kids.

I love and trust who he is now completely, he's wonderful and has never given me any reason to doubt him.

Listen, he is failing NOW. It is not “wonderful” of him to try to dig his heels in and refuse every compromise about the first major co-parenting decision you have to make together.

You have already offered for the baby to have both names but “use his day to day” and he has said no.

Try to step back out of your pregnancy hormones and natural baby-inspired optimism and just note to yourself that if a friend were telling you this tale you would see it for the first red flag that it is. 🚩

Do NOT give the child his name.
And if you give both surnames, put his as a middle name and yours as the last name, no hyphen.

By the way, as you are not married, you can register birth without him and put whatever name you want. He can't go without you.

Not saying you should do this, but pointing this out to him might focus his mind.

I wouldn't marry a selfish, sexist bullying pig either so not going to argue with you there.

Just give the kid both surnames, I did and it never caused any issues .

He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried

In relation to this part of your OP above you are both wrong, it is actually traditional for a child to have the mothers surname by default in all circumstances, the only difference being most woman take the man's name when they get married so the child has the man's name by default as it was adopted by the mother.
Only fair way to do this is to double barrel the childs name and by deed poll you and your partner also adopt this new surname and all 3 of you have the same name then

BTW @MNHQ a red flag 🚩 emoji would be incredibly useful.

This is certainly a man's world isn't it? You suggest a compromise but he says no. He should think a little deeper into that. Why do men feel entitled to things but feel like women aren't entitled to the same hhhmmm

Anyway, yes obviously Double Barreling is the fairest solution, even then you are saying that the child can drop your name at school though, why?

‘It’s a tradition’ is the worst argument ever

Traditionally

Women couldn’t vote
Slavery existed
You could hit your kids

These were bad traditions. They got changed.

It’s not a valid argument. Ever. If a tradition has no harmful sexist, racist, homophobic or other similar connotations and you want to do it then crack on but you will never persuade me of its validity by saying ‘it’s a tradition’

@unchienandalusia

This is why we got married. Well a part of it. We are now "the smiths" for example. All together. One family.

Oh shit. I'd better go downstairs and tell my husband and children that we're not a family or 'all together', despite what they might have thought, because naughty bad mummy kept her own name and the kids have both.

They will be shocked and distressed but it's important that they know. Thanks for the heads up!

Rickitarr it wasn't a case of "I won't even discuss this, it's my way or the highway", it was only a short conversation where I made those suggestions, he has form for being a bit rash with his answers when he's not had time to think properly. Hopefully once he's had some time to consider everything we can talk properly about it.

OP, he is a misogynist and controlling. Don't marry him and don't do that thing where you give your name as a middle name and then in reality it gets dropped and never used and they just have their dad's name in practice. Men will never stop acting this way unless women stand up for ourselves.

My partner and l had this debate a while back when we started to conceive. I told him there are 2 3 options: my name-his name, his name-my name or my name. Initially he wasn’t thrilled but l made clear his name only isn’t an option and we need to compromise. We are doing with double barrelled, my name-his name as it sounds better that way around

Compromise isn’t him getting what he wants. This is what l ex husband thought compromise was

Why don’t you both choose a new surname and all use that. If not the double barrel land use both names all the time. If he still won’t compromise then use your surname.

My brother and his partner chose a new surname for all of them. My kids have my surname (not married then but married now).

It’s a tradition’ is the worst argument ever

Even more ludicrous when being deployed by someone who doesn’t want to get married.

@yvanka

Rickitarr it wasn't a case of "I won't even discuss this, it's my way or the highway", it was only a short conversation where I made those suggestions, he has form for being a bit rash with his answers when he's not had time to think properly. Hopefully once he's had some time to consider everything we can talk properly about it.

I hope so, because so far he is sounding a bit of an arse.

Maybe point out to him that parenting means being the opposite of rash for the next 18 years or so?

Regardless of if the OP is financially independent - I would get a lump sum or an order drawn up in advance of any pregnancy if I could go back in time. My ex and I were married - he puts lots into his pension and pays £300 a month despite earning more than me and my pension taking a hit after each pregnancy - how is that fair? I would ask him to pay or after to pay in writing half of all wrap around child care costs via legal document should I do it. The ‘trust me’ I will always look after you and baby - does not happen 99% of the time. Men look after their money. Woman the children. Sad and not how it should be - but it is.

The equal and fair option is to double barrel. He knows this.

As the mother, you have the choice, as you get to register the baby. His only choice is the choice you give him. Your surname, as is tradition, or double barrel.

If double barrelling really isn't on the cards for him, perhaps suggest his surname as a middle name (ie "first") and yours as the surname.

My son is double barrelled, though me and DH are married, I kept my name.

Sorry, your surname without marriage.

It's tradition - so that should make him happy, no? :)

But also. The facts are that if your relationship breaks down, it's 95% likely that you'll be the one left with primary care and day to day residency. Your surname.

You are going through the birth. You will be the one taking that extra career hit. Your surname - it's simply your choice, he can't even register the baby without you or be on the birth certificate without your say so.

Friends in a similar situation couldn't come to an agreement so they both took a completely new surname before baby arrived. Two deed polls, new passports and driving licences, half a day of admin. A true compromise.

I think we are in a very interesting time in history where we are aware that it is nonsensical for women to have to change their surnames to match the man's, but that doesn't leave any established, neat solution for what surname to give a child. It's natural that you both want to use yours.

Other cultures in the world have different ways of doing it, that in many ways are more forward thinking. Time for us to adopt blending the two names, or double barreling etc etc as the norm, I think. It will no doubt seem unnatural until it becomes "tradition", but our old tradition is bogus and a fairer solution, more reflective of the modern family unit, is needed.

I am in the same situation. (Been together 15 years, not married) We have given our DC a double barrelled surname. If/when we marry, I will change mine to that too.

Tradition, LOL. Tradition is to marry first. Nope, double-barrel. It's the only compromise or both of you change your surname to the same.

@yvanka

Why do you have such a negative view on marriage? Just curious.

Take a look at my second post, I explained this

Your second post doesn’t make a lot of sense though. You will be tied for life once the baby arrives but without the protections of marriage. Women that are unmarried are more likely to be “unable to afford to leave” as they don’t have the protections that marriage brings. Your finance may be well balanced now, but that will not necessarily always be the case.

We have double barrelled our baby’s surname but without a hyphen, so just two surnames. Thought it was less common. We aren’t married due to covid, but are engaged. I don’t want to take just my partner’s surname and ditch mine completely because I have just one sister and I don’t like the thought that my family name won’t carry on when my sister and I marry if I don’t keep it.